CHAPTER FOUR
“Stay back!” Raven whisper-shouted to the figure. “It’s me, Shadow,” The figure said, and stepped out into the light for Raven to see.
The girl. The girl that Dylan killed. “Relax, I don’t want to kill you,” Shadow said, rolling her eyes when she saw the look of fear in Raven’s expression. “At least, not for now. I’m here to make a deal. I can help you escape, if you free me and the other spirits from this disgusting and awful place.”
“But why do you want to help us?” Raven asked, confused.
Shadow blushed with embarrassment. “I…um…used to have a tiny crush on him.”
“WHAT!?” Raven gasped. How come I never knew? “That’s why.” Shadow whispered. “Now, DEAL OR NO DEAL?”
Raven tried not to giggle. She was clearly trying hard to change the subject. “Deal,” Raven agreed. The one thing she wanted more than anything was to GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!
“I’ve been watching you and ‘Dylan’ interact. Is it just me, or is he acting strange?” Shadow asked. Raven let out a sigh of relief. She wasn’t the only one who noticed. “Yes! I have no idea why. Maybe he hit his head coming in or something.”
Shadow shrugged. “Maybe. Listen, I’ll roam around the area to search for information to help you escape. You stay with ‘Dylan’. Meet me at the huge oak in the center after a short while. I’ll be waiting.”
“Okay…be careful though! I don’t want you becoming controlled by whatever that thing is called,” Raven muttered. Then I’ll have no way out!
“I’m back,” a voice called after a short while. Dylan walked up to her. “I searched the area. I think I found a place you can attempt to escape. A bit risky, though.”
Raven didn’t know whether to trust him or not.
“Sure…” she said uncertainly. I’ve got to find an excuse to leave soon! She followed Dylan to a cloud of mist. When she tried touching it, pain seared through her finger. “If you are fast enough, you can pass through,” Dylan said. There is no way I’m running through that! “Um, I think I can wait for another, safer exit,” Raven said, backing away cautiously. “Oh no, I think you should stay right here.” Dylan’s voice had a dangerous edge to it.
This…this isn’t him! Realization struck Raven like a bolt of lightning. She had suspicions, but it still came as a shock to her. She ran. She sprinted, heading for the direction of the giant oak. “Hey!” She heard Dylan scream after her. Quick footsteps ran after her. She sprinted harder. “Raven, over here!” A voice, barely audible, came from a denser part of the forest.
She ran in that direction. Shadow was there, dragging Raven up the oak. She was half-climbing, half-being-dragged up the tree. Dylan ran right past her. I’ve got to stop calling him that. He’s not Dylan. Raven heard his footsteps echoing on the hard ground. Her heart was beating a million times faster than usual. “That is not Dylan,” Raven whispered.
“I know. That’s what I came to tell you. I know where the real one is. Follow me, quick!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi Cats! Finally back to review another chapter. I'm excited for this one.
It was a little jarring for Raven to be running towards the oak then suddenly being dragged up it. A transition sentence would help a lot. Something like, "She ran in that direction. Shadow was there, standing in the tree's lower branches. Raven reached the base and started half-climbing, half-being dragged up the tree"That was straight dragon FIRE
I am so excited to see Shadow! She was certainly not who I expected to be revealed here. I wonder how she was dragged in after what happened to her.
I was curious what the goal of the fake Dylan was, but it seems like he simply wants to get rid of her. This makes me wonder though, if he was strong enough to catch her, why bother with tricking her? (this is not a critique, just a thought I had while reading).
The last chase was as exciting as it was creepy. Great job with the tension there!
Some loose scales
When you said Shadow stepped into the light I was wondering what was lighting up this shadowy world. You could easily mention that here. Something like "she stepped into the light of the glowing purple sky."
When Shadow said she was going to find more information, it felt like she was only gone for a minute before Raven ran to the oak and found her there. If you mentioned that it took a while for Dylan and Raven to reach the cloud of mist, it would help.
As mighty wing soar overall
What a creepy chapter. I knew it was a shadow of Dylan or something. Probably has to do with that boy in the prologue.
I did not expect to see Shadow again, but I did think her story had been cut short so I'm glad to see more of her.
The reveal was well done and the perfect kind of skin-walker creepy.
Final wisdom of the dragon friend
Your pacing has gotten better and the tone was perfect here. Keep it up
May blazing dragon-fire light your path and ignite the flames of your inspiration.
Thank you sooo much for your awesome review! It%u2019s so nice to see you once again. And your tips and feedback will be for good use! I%u2019m so glad u gave this a read!!!
Hi CATS, this is Alex. You know the drill so I'll just get started.
Had a hard time envisioning it as a reader but I think I get what you're trying to say. But I'm sure as to why she's whispering in the first place. Wouldn't it be wiser to just scream, hoping Dylan hears it and comes to her rescue?
I think I get a hint as to why we saw Axel then. Apparently, people are getting trapped in another dimension after death. Now, we see them looking for a way idea. The events are certainly amusing.
The romantic elements are a mess as it is, don't do this to me now ToT. Until this is some trickery or has an essential role in some future plot, in which case it is impressively cunning of you. Also, doesn't Raven trust her a little too quick. She's a smart girl, it got me thinking if she'd not have reservations about trusting someone who almost caused her boyfriend's death. Just my own opinion though
Am I missing something or Shadow just.. didn't elaborate at all?
Raven and Shadow agreeing of Dylan's recent suspicious behaviour? Well, this is new. I have no clue where you're going with this. But he definitely didn't just hit his head, Raven dear -_-
I think the soul possessing his body the other time, maybe that's having some strange effects but it's a wild guess at most.
Almost turning spooky now! Not that I'm complaining.
That was too close for my liking. Not sure why they're climbing up the tree though, won't it just slow then down? I suppose they should be running away from whoever that skinwalker is instead. Ahhh my heart is pounding where really is Dylan..
The hurting fog though an original idea, looked untidy in planning. Like why'd this impersonater almost give himself away by asking Raven to step into something that's invoking pain? He must know at least this much that the real Dylan would never hurt Raven. In fact he's the one who healed her by his magic. I'm curious though, of how Shadow discovered that isn't the real Dylan. Raven makes sense, on the other hand, as she practically loves him and a result knows him well as she spends a lot of time with him.
This chapter had a rather eerie vibe. Even more scary than the others. Dylan has been acting wierd for some time now but it really accelerated in this chapter, I certainly liked how well you captured the changing tide. Now the reader isn't scared for Dylan because how'd he face all those after the pendant, but now the reader is scared of Dylan. Oh, how the tables have turned! The mystery is very compelling! Excited for what shall happen next.
Enjoyed reviewing this, keep up the great work! To the next chapter, I advance.
Regards
Alex
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