Threads Of Destiny: Echoes Of The Pendant-Book One, A Guardian's Spirit, Introduction And Prologue

Hello, My Friend!

Hi there, CATSRULETHEWORLD! I'm here to finally catch up and check out your little series here! Normally I use what I like to call "the Familiar method" when I review chapters, but given the short length and introductory nature of this prologue, I opted for something a little more condensed. Hope you don't mind!

Anyway, let's dive right in!

Alright, so here we get an introduction to the two primary clans at play, Cobra and Eclipse, and the prologue itself gives us a glimpse of what I assume will be the primary character, how he met this woman, and how he came to join the Cobra tribe. All great info to have!

Okay, for recommendations...I see Radiogirl mentioned that she would prefer the characters be introduced organically instead of listed ahead of time, but I kinda disagree (which is a good sign that you should take this with a grain of salt, because so much of this is just opinion!). I actually kind of like the cast list you have going, as it reminded me of when I read the Warriors series as a kid and would see a list of which cats belonged to which clan. So while that could EASILY be nostalgia clouding my judgment, I like the angle! (Likewise, Troy's suggestion of a map sounds pretty neat, if applicable.)

The best thing I can recommend, for the list and the prologue, would be maybe some tweaks to clean up the formatting a bit. For example, maybe bold-typing where it says "Prologue" and Characters," italicizing the descriptions of the characters to separate them from the names, maybe even leading with their names. Here's an example:

CHARACTERS

Cobra Tribe:

Thorn - The Leader. A tall woman with thick black hair, thin lips, and cold, black eyes.

Dylan - The Assassin. A fifteen-year-old boy with jet black hair and unusual dark blue eyes.

Thunder and lightning cracked in the gloomy sky. Rain poured. Small footsteps were left in the sticky mud as a young boy trudged through the storm. He saw a light up ahead.

“C-can I come in?” The boy asked. By now, he was drenched and shivering. “Where’s your family, boy?” The woman demanded. “I’m alone, ma’am.”

I will raise him as my own. I will make him into the second most feared in the Cobra Tribe, my loyal assassin. I will train him until he is only obedient to ME. The Eclipse Tribe would know his name. He will be feared by all but me. He will be named Dylan, as of the sea, calm, but powerful and mysterious, like the storms of the ocean.

hey there!

This is an interesting prologue! Dylan is set up to be the main character of the later story, but it is a structural idea to have a prologue lay out who he is / what his origin story is! It's traditional for a reason. There's something that separates him from other people in the various tribes--especially considering the repeated mentions of his eyes and how they draw people like Thorn in!--and I can see that there is a lot of foreshadowing of his rise to power in this short excerpt.

Personally, I am not sure about the structure of this though; if you introduce the characters organically, their personalities and character dynamics would be able to happen more naturally. I don't think that having a whole section in the beginning dedicated to explaining who each person is, is beneficial to this story! It's easier to keep track of, but it loses depth that you would get from writing each person into the story on their own, e.g. introducing Thorn's character as the leader without explicitly saying that she is the leader of the Cobra tribe.

I would've enjoyed hearing more about the setting as well! I don't know if this is set in a fantasy world, a historical-fiction version of our world, or something else entirely. It is hard to feel integrated in a story if you're unsure what is happening / where it is happening, so I would suggest to go back and explain more of what is going on through sensory details! Dylan could have moments of doubt, or he could have inner thoughts that contradict his path. You could explain more about the geography or history of this world too, to add more context.

I hope this helps you! :]

lina

The rest of the story is already out. Read this first, then read the others! I am having problems making a map, I will figure it out later. Thank you so much for reading!

Ooo, I like the suspense! This story is drawing me in already! I'm interested to see the roles of the two tribes in the story.

Hi! That's an interesting story. I could see that it started with Thorn raising up Dylan, and it seemed that the Cobra and the Eclipse Tribes are at war or something. It also stood out to me that the Eclipse Tribe has no assassins, probably because they did not raise someone like Dylan (lol)? I also felt like there's something special about Dylan, and I look forward to see it in the future!
Also, I wonder if you get a map or something about the Tribes? I'm also curious about your larger world setting, so I'll be happy to read future chapters!

Hello!

WOW I loved the prologue!!! It's really mysterious, but thanks to the Introduction the reader knows the names of the two characters and their places in the Tribe - which makes the reader feel like they have special insight into the story (which they do, actually) So it's really nice!

Who is the boy, Dylan? Where does he come from? Why is he alone? Did something happen to him or his family? Does he remember? All of the suspence makes me want to go read Chapter 1 IMMEDIATLY, but I also want to write this review first ToT I think I want to write this review first more : )

The fact that you described Thorn and Dylan first in the introduction is a good idea: they were two of the only people who's descriptions I really remembered, so I could immediatly scroll up and go check out their names =D

The way you started the prologue by describing the setting was also great: "Thunder and lightning cracked in the gloomy sky. Rain poured." It really made me feel like I was there, even though it's crazily warm outside today where I am, but because you described it well I could relate to a time where I'd had that too^^

I felt that the intro might have been a bit long, but as it's not the actual text and (I think) it's only nice side-info, that was fine, because it wasn't essential to read it through very attentively, just maybe the part about the structure of the Tribes (Leader, Assasin, Guards, "Normal People?") - And also about that, I like how you sort of casually added "Assasin" as a label, like it's a normal part of the Tribes...

Sorry if I don't review any more ToT, I REALLY have to go check out Chapters 1, 2, etc. now!!!

Have a great day =D

Hiiii @CatsRuleTheWorld,

Well I am not really great a reviewing but I wanted to reply after reading this intro... Tbh when you first read it it gives off a mystery/ suspense vibe... And I guess I'll be able to see more in the next chapters. And u introduced the characters first and actually that's a good way, so u know the readers can already immagine the characters before they even read the storyy!!!

Also just saying but ur username is greatt i love itt!! Anyway ig we will be able to see lots of things happeneing, because this lady here has kind of a bad side as she says she wants him to be HERS. So there's temsion. Overall this is greattttt!!

Good luckkk btww!!!

Hiii! Hop here! Now before I begin, let me advise you; I suck at reviewing. Please try and give me some grace because of how bad my reviews are.

Okay, I love how you gave us a description of so many characters! It really helps readers imagine the scene and at least helps me visualize what is happening in the story. I am going to be honest, Dylan sounds pretty hot not going to lie... (Ugh I'm hopeless)



Okay... Moving onto the prologue!! I love how you open with a stormy scene, I can imagine the rain chilling him to the bone and I can see young Dylan being soaked while the lady answered the door.


I do have some questions though. These may be answered when I read the next chapter, maybe not. Why is Dylan in the rain? Where did he come from? Why is he alone? What made him so attracted to the oddly shaped house?? Like I said, these questions I have may be answered later, but if not, why? Why do these things happen?


Overall, this is an amazing start to an amazing story. Keep up the good work but don't but don't burn yourself out!


Love, Hop

Hi! This is Dragonight9. After seeing your art I was inspired to see your story. It may take a while before I review your first book as it is all in one section so the review may be lengthy.

I was surprised to see a list of characters with brief descriptions here. Not that this isn't a good idea of course. Though I would love a brief description of their personalities or defining traits to go along with the physical description of the characters. At least for the important ones like the leaders, assassin, and maybe guards depending on how important their role is in the story.

This is of course up to you and having a list to reference if I ever forget how they look in my mind is great.

As for the prologue itself, I enjoyed the introduction to these characters. The scene was easy to visualize in my head and I got a good sense of the personality of Thorn, though I suspect Dylan's personality will look a bit different in the actual story, especially if Thorn has her way with him.

Now for the specifics,

This was dragon FIRE
My favorite parts.

I loved the gloomy and dark start with a small light of hope symbolizing Dylan's desire for safety and comfort.

The way Thorn treats him after hearing he is alone makes me think that he lost his family in some tragedy. And the dark hallway she leads him down is also a great way of showing that she is leading him into darkness, quickly followed up of course by her thoughts basically stating it.

I also loved your naming of Dylan. I looked it up and part of the name meaning is adventure which is perfect for the beginning of a story.

Of course I have a few theories but the only one I'll state for now is that I suspect Dylan will have a good heart despite Thorn's training and it will become either a great weakness or motivator for him to work for the side of good.
Though I wouldn't be disappointed by a badass manipulative assassin either.

Some loose scales
My critiques.

“What do we have here?” A woman appeared at the door. She had long, thickly layered black hair with cold, dark eyes and thin lips.

“C-can I come in?” The boy asked. By now, he was drenched and shivering. “Where’s your family, boy?” The woman demanded. “I’m alone, ma’am.” “Come on in.”

The Eclipse Tribe would know his name.