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The adventures of Poppy McLain-One

by vampricone6783


*I have decided it’s about time that I introduce you to different characters in a different series of mine. This series I made is old and there are several grammar mistakes, but I’m proud of myself for writing this. I’m also really excited to show you all!  So, without further ado, let’s begin! (Gacha Club character designs are on my wall btw)

It’s a dark, foggy, and cold night. This is a surprise for many people, for they have never seen a night as scary as this. It’s the year 2000. In a town called Cord Arboretum lays a little house at the corner of Goosecow street.

Five people live in the house:

A Mom, a Dad, a ten year old boy named Ash, a nineteen year old girl named Jessica, and a fifteen year old girl named Poppy (me).

I lie in bed, looking out the window, thinking about how horrible the first day of school would be when all of a sudden, I see a shadow zoom past my window.

I quickly get out of my bed in order to follow the shadow. I grab my pink, glittery pager (just in case), put on my jacket, and then my sneakers.

Then, I quietly leave the house.

I’m outside! YES!

Now, where is that shadow?

Hmmm...

Slurrppp..

What is that noise?

SLURRRPP..

I hear a shrill scream. As if the aggressive slurping wasn’t bad enough, I hear a shrill scream. 

Who is screaming?

I think it's in that bush.

I slowly walk up to the bush, worrying that there’s a monster behind there for some reason. There isn’t, obviously. This isn’t a movie.

I’m still scared, though.

I’m in front of the bush now. I move the leaves aside and..

I see a boy with white eyes that are decorated with sharp black snake pupils,dark hair and blood on his mouth.He looks like a vampire...but vampires aren’t  real...

He lunges towards me and bites me,like a frightened animal trying to defend itself..

The ground looks so close.

There’s darkness.

………………………….

I wake up in a pale room, with machines around me that are buzzing and whirring. My glasses are lying on a nightstand, but it’s not my nightstand.

Great. I'm in a hospital room. I hate hospitals.

Guess I have no choice.

………………………….

After I recover from my shock and anger, I try explaining what happened to me.

But they don’t  believe me.

My mom insists that I get some rest, but I don’t  want to rest. Even so, my eyes feel this heavy weight and begin to close...

I’m going to sleep.

Sleep comes. Sleep always comes.

………………………….

I’m walking in an old village.

I’m also wearing this lovely white lace dress.

I spot a lovely teenage boy with white eyes. He’s  wearing a black suit.In short,he’s really beautiful.

Suddenly a girl shoves something in his mouth and recites incantations.He falls to the ground and I wake up in a cold sweat.

"Well, well, she finally awakes."  An annoyingly hot voice says.

The voice is coming from the boy I saw earlier. I see him in my hospital room. He tells me his name was Derek and a story about how his friend Chole, the girl I saw in my dream, betrayed him and turned him into a vampire because he only thought of her as a friend, not a lover.

He turns to leave, but then I scream:

"DEREK! DEREK! COME BACK!"

But he’s already gone.

I want him. I want to know more.

Please, come back, Derek. Come back!  I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want doctors anymore. I just want YOU.

Hold on. Why do I like him all of a sudden? We just met.

The door creaks open. My doctor, Sheila, is here.

She has brown skin, kind brown eyes, but a firm face.

"Good news!"  says Sheila.

"You're better!  But stay away from this boy."

She holds up a picture from a news article. It’s Derek. How in the heck did they take his photo? How did they find him?  How did-

Whatever. It’s not that important.

"Police say he's a psychopath. They haven't caught him yet,and I don't want you getting hurt." She reports.

I don't care what the police say! They don't understand! Nobody understands! I WANT HIM!

But why do I want him? 

Huh. I guess it’s because he’s hot.

…………………….

I’m free from the hospital! I can go home!

As I’m leaving, I stumble upon a book on the floor.It’s titled:

A history of the supernatural

by:

But the name is scratched out.

I have to show my friend,Ashley. She loves seeing strange stuff like this.

I look around. I don’t want people to think I’m weird or anything.

No one pays attention. I don’t even know why I thought they would. Who cares about some teen girl anyway?

Her house isn’t too far from here. I could go right now.

I run to her home.

…………………….

 

I’m getting closer! I’m getting even closer to her home!

I must have ran too fast, because I slam my face against her door. I fall down.

…………………….

I’m back in the village. I don’t know how I’m in the village, but I know. Somehow, I know.

I’m  in a room with candles and cloth. Books are scattered everywhere. See? I’m not even surrounded by village homes, so how do I know I’m in a village? 

Eh. It’s whatever.

Chloe is here. I guess she’s real important, because I’ve seen her before. Now I see her again.

She screams:

"AGNES, GIVE ME THE POTION FOR VAMPIRISM! NOW!"

She stomps her foot on the ground impatiently.

A girl appears from the curtains. (Yes, there are curtains in this joint).

But she’s not just a  girl.

She’s Ashley.

She has her raven hair, her dark brown eyes, and her mischievous smile,like she knows something the other person doesn’t.

"And why would I help you? Your royal status doesn't change anything. I can just send you outside,or better yet-" She smirks.

"Hex you."  Ashley finishes.

Chloe thinks for a moment. Then she grins.

What is she grinning about?

"Because if you don't, I'll have royal guards kill your entire family." Chloe says easily.

Ashley’s eyes go big with fear.

"Okay fine, I'll help you."  She mumbles, not looking at Chloe.

…………………….

"POPPY,WAKE UP!" Ashley shouts.

Wait, she’s right here. How is she shouting? Her lips aren’t moving right now. I’m not asleep, I’m-

I wake up.

"You're lucky I saved you before you fell."

I fell? What I saw a dream?

Ashley’s facial expression changes to one of worry. Why is she worried?

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"I know everything, Agnes." I say.

My brain would have been too creative to make up what I saw. It’s a definitely a vision. I think.

She freezes. Her jaw goes slack. The words I said must have had some effect on her. Which means what I saw wasn’t a dream.

Which means I have a huge headache.

"How do you..I didn't have a choice! She was going to kill my family!" She screams

"She's so evil she could've lied to you! You could've fallen for her lie!" I scream back. Did she even consider that Chloe was just lying?

"I didn't have a choice.." She repeats.

I remove myself from her arms and run away from her.

Far, far away. (My legs are killing me now).

…………………….

Once I’m  home,I read the book I found.

What I find surprises me. (Even though it shouldn’t).

Apparently my ancestors were sirens.

So that means that I’m a siren...

I drop the book.

"POPPY,IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!" My Mom shouts.

I can’t  speak.

I can’t  move.

My Mom comes upstairs to check on me.

"What's the matter,sweetie?" She asks.

"IS IT TRUE?!" I ask.

"What are you asking?" 

"Am I siren?”

"Where did you get this idea?" Her face darkens.

I show her the book.

"I don't know where it came from,but I want to read it." I say.

I don’t mention Derek,for fear that she will report him to the police.

"I don't where this book came from,either.But you are a siren.Do you want to hear the full story?" 

"Yes." I answer.

"My parents died when I was young, so I was left in the care of my terrible Aunt.She knew what I was.She hated me for it.I ran away from her and didn't speak to anyone but your father. I’ve tried to keep the truth buried from you guys. That was selfish of me. No one came hide from the truth. Ever.” Mom says after finishing her story.

She leaves to prepare Dinner.

I follow.

…………………….

When I sit down,I eat my nachos in silence. Mom and Dad are talking about adult stuff,Jessica is on the phone with her normal human boyfriend, Levi, while eating nachos,and Ash is pretending his food were battle ships.

I want to know about my history. I want to know about Derek.I want to know why I want him. I want to know a lot of things.

So,I'm going to find him and my friend and we're going to talk.

I’m leaving this family Dinner. I’ll come back. Later. I think.

…………………….

Now I’m walking down the soft, dead, road all the way to the cemetery.The moon shines unforgivingly on me, but I don’t  care.I need to know the truth.

After a while, I finally make it to the cemetery. Ashley and Derek are waiting. Nice. This makes things easier.

I stride towards them, yelling at the top of my lungs:"I JUST FIGURED OUT THAT I'M A SIREN,MY BEST FRIEND IS A WITCH, AND MY LOVE IS A VAMPIRE! SOMEBODY EXPLAIN!"

"I'm your love, huh?" Derek asks with a smirk on his face.

"That's not important! I need answers,NOW!" I yell.

"Well..." Ashley begins. “I came from a village-"

"Yes,we know. Just get to the point!" I scream at her. I don’t care that she came from a village. I want the actual story.

"Okay,so I'm a witch and I happened to know Chloe.She came to my house and said that she needed the potion to turn people into vampires.When I found out that she used it against Derek, I was furious.I trusted her!" Ashley finishes.

Just then, out of nowhere, we hear a female voice screech in a witch-like way:"THERE THEY ARE! KILL THEM,THEY ARE ABOMINATIONS!"

"RUN!" Derek yells.

We run the heck out of there.

……………………

We run all the way to the water tower, which I have to say is surprising because the water tower is near the end of town.

“Who...are...we..pant...running from?" I ask no one in particular.

“We're running from...pant....Chloe...and her..pant...minions."  Derek responds.

Chloe already found us? She has people working for her? 

 

I need to take a breather.

But I don’t have time for that.

We jump in an abandoned Jeep. "Um,how are we supposed to ride this thing? It's abandoned and it probably doesn't work." I state.

"I'm a witch,remember? I can make this car start." Ashley answers me.

"Oh,right." I say. I forgot about that.

"Listen,I'm sorry I-" I apologize. She interrupts me.

"APOLOGIES LATER,POPPY! I NEED TO START THE CAR!" Ashley yells.

"They're gaining on us." Derek says.

"JUST LET ME FOCUS!" Ashley screams at him.

They walk closer to the car.We are so doomed. This is the end. We’re all going to die. Like teenagers in a horror movie. 

I brace myself for a gruesome death. I’m going to die at fifteen. This is the last of my days. I’m-

Right on time, Ashley starts the car. She’s a fast driver, too. She drives it like we’re  in a car chase.

We drive past the weird farm and the sign that says:"Thanks for visiting Cord Arboretum! Come back soon!"   (Who would want to go to a town called “Cord Arboretum”? Much less visit it? It had an abandoned and possibly haunted farm, for goodness’ sakes!)

I know that my whole life is going to be different from now on.

I’m going to learn more from my best friend Ashley.Maybe Derek and I will start dating. 

Anything can happen.

I turn to look at Derek, who is in the backseat with me. He passes me a mischievous grin and says:”Don't worry,we'll fall in love."

"Really?" I ask. Maybe falling in love with him isn’t a bad thing.

"Positive." He smiles. This smile doesn’t look mischievous or holds a smirk. It looks real. It looks warm. I like it. It suits him.

Oh boy, oh boy! I can't wait to continue this adventure.

Characters in Gacha Club:

Poppy McLain:

Jessica McLain:

Ash McLain:

Olivia McLain (Mother of Jessica, Poppy, and Ash):

Alejandro McLain (Father of Jessica, Poppy and Ash):

Ashley:

Derek:

Chloe:


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Mon May 08, 2023 10:41 pm
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foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello this is Foxmaster!!!
Wow, what a piece. I am soooooooo continuing this, 100%. I have to say that this was great, and Poppy is a very likeable character, one hard thing to do when you write in first-person. The characters were funny, and the way they all had some kind of magical-heritage was very original. So, let's cut to the chase here: (I am just not going to put quotes here because this is a short review and I am just too lazy:)
I lie in bed, looking out the window, thinking about how horrible the first day of school would be when all of a sudden, I see a shadow zoom past my window.

I quickly get out of my bed in order to follow the shadow. I grab my pink, glittery pager (just in case), put on my jacket, and then my sneakers.

Then, I quietly leave the house.

I’m outside! YES!

Now, where is that shadow?

Hmmm...

Slurrppp..

What is that noise?

SLURRRPP..

I hear a shrill scream. As if the aggressive slurping wasn’t bad enough, I hear a shrill scream.

Who is screaming?

I think it's in that bush.

I slowly walk up to the bush, worrying that there’s a monster behind there for some reason. There isn’t, obviously. This isn’t a movie.

I’m still scared, though.

I’m in front of the bush now. I move the leaves aside and..

I see a boy with white eyes that are decorated with sharp black snake pupils,dark hair and blood on his mouth.He looks like a vampire...but vampires aren’t real...

He lunges towards me and bites me,like a frightened animal trying to defend itself..
Oh, so vampires are real? Kind of a cliche, though, 'cause Poppy is going outside to investigate.....I’m back in the village. I don’t know how I’m in the village, but I know. Somehow, I know.

I’m in a room with candles and cloth. Books are scattered everywhere. See? I’m not even surrounded by village homes, so how do I know I’m in a village?

Eh. It’s whatever.

Chloe is here. I guess she’s real important, because I’ve seen her before. Now I see her again.

She screams:

"AGNES,GIVE ME THE POTION FOR VAMPIRISM! NOW!"

She stamps her foot on the ground impatiently.

A girl appears from the curtains. (Yes, there are curtains in this joint).

But she’s not just a girl.

She’s Ashley.

She has her raven hair, her dark brown eyes, and her mischievous smile,like she knows something the other person doesn’t.

"And why would I help you? Your royal status doesn't change anything. I can just send you outside,or better yet-" She smirks.

"-hex you." Ashley finishes.

Chloe thinks for a moment. Then she grins.

What is she grinning about?

"Because if you don't,I'll have royal guards kill your entire family." Chloe says easily.

Ashley’s eyes go big with fear.

"Okay fine,I'll help you." She mumbles, not looking at Chloe.
Ohhh, this is good, now, with Ashley being a witch......... kind of like Sylvie in my series! I'm excited to see what's next!
"POPPY,WAKE UP!" Ashley shouts.

Wait, she’s right here. How is she shouting? Her lips aren’t moving right now. I’m not asleep, I’m-

I wake up.
*Laughs!*
That's it......... this is SO good! I hope to continue this! It's also funny how Derek is a "Psychopath" and Poppy is like, "He's hot, I want him."
-Foxmaster!!!




vampricone6783 says...


I have published the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth stories in this series so far.



foxmaster says...


yesssssss I noticed!!



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Sat Sep 10, 2022 11:43 am
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hi vampricone!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I think this is the first time I am getting to read a story of yours that isn't a sequel. I was very excited when I realized there wouldn't be any references or background information that I would be unaware of. This is the start of a good story and I liked how the end leaves so much space for this world to expand and for the characters to go on many more crazy adventures. However, there are some significant problems that kind of held back the story from reaching its full potential.

I was outside! YES!

Now,where is that shadow?

Throughout the chapter, you switch tenses several times. The story started in the past tense but after a point it just kept switching back and forth between the present and the past. At first, I thought that the direct thoughts of the narrator are in the present which is an honest mistake that can be rectified by italicizing those thoughts so that they are separate from the mainstream narration. But then you switch to the present while narrating and describing and it gets a little difficult to follow when this tense problem is arresting your attention in every line. For example:
Suddenly,the door creaked open.My doctor,Sheila,is here.

Here, the first sentence is in the past tense while the second sentence is in the present. It totally changes the tone of the narration in the span of a single moment.

"Okay fine,I'll help you."

"POPPY,WAKE UP!" Ashley shouted.

I woke up.

This transition was not very smooth and I felt as if there were moments that got erased from the chapter. One moment, we have an intense scene with Ashley and Chloe and then suddenly we cut from there to a different scene where Poppy fainted. I would very much love to know what happened in those moments before Poppy woke up. I feel like I missed an interesting confrontation here.

"My parents died when I was young, so I was left in the care of my terrible aunt.She knew what I was.She hated me for it.I ran away from her and didn't speak to anyone but your father.Come,let's gave Dinner."

This was an important scene that gives us a little history of Poppy's mother's life. She was sharing the difficulties of growing up as a siren and facing the rejection of her aunt with her daughter. It was a moment of seriousness that was once again cut short by a seriously anti-climatic end. Until that last sentence, I was thoroughly invested in her words, but then she ends on such a casual and abrupt note that the whole interaction feels a little unbelievable and like a wasted opportunity.

Also, there is a typo here, 'gave' will be 'have'.

Mom and Dad were talking about adult stuff,Jessica was on the phone with her normal,human boyfriend while eating nachos,and Ash was pretending his food were battle ships.

The mundaneness of this scene made me smile. It was a quiet, calm and reflective moment that was not directly related to the plot but was a great comedic filler in the story. Especially, Ash playing with his food as though they were battle ship made me grin because I could so clearly imagine him doing it. I would have loved to read more moments like these when we are not always rushing through the plot.

I walked over to them and yelled:"I JUST FIGURED OUT THAT I'M A SIREN,MY BEST FRIEND IS A WITCH,AND MY LOVE IS A VAMPIRE! SOMEBODY EXPLAIN!"

This was another very funny scene. Poppy's exasperation is very clear in this scene and it is evident by this point that she has had enough. This was an entertaining scene that actually reminded me that these super strange and powerful people are also just teenagers. Derek's cocky response to Poppy's outburst was so typical and expected that it again made me smile.

Overall, this story has great potential. I loved the chaotic vibes of the characters and the insane amount of things that happened to them in such a short period of time. However, I really think that you need to slow down at times and let us experience the story instead of telling us what happened. You need to give your readers a chance to connect with your characters so that they actually care about their journeys. Otherwise, they won't feel as invested in the story.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you for your review. I will edit this.

(I have the sequel out now. I%u2019m going to make more stories. There will be ten in total).



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Sat Sep 03, 2022 6:49 pm
Roundsquare says...



This is quite a good, well done, fascinating work of art, with a bit of tweaking, you can turn this into a masterpiece.




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Sat Sep 03, 2022 6:44 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



Hi Vampire! Jade here to help get your work out of the green room! I've given you a lot of specific advice in the past, so this review will just be more general!

First of all, all of your parenthesis when writing, you use in instead of world-building. You don't SHOW us how people are related, or how they are the narrator; you just tell us, which drags us out of the story. It has so much potential. You focus a lot on telling us the relationships between each character.

Another thing is how you frequently use phrases like "It wasn't just any girl." to us, as readers, we don't know the girl. We do not know who she is, you should describe her more so that we feel the fear when she approaches. How is she scary? Who is she? What has she done. Also, describe what she looks like. If it's a stylistic choice not to do descriptions, the Gacha characters provide one anyway. I want more details on each character!

Next, every sentence is on a different line. It makes everything choppy. I've given you examples in the past, and again, maybe this is a choice you decided to make. If so, cool! It really stands out.

Those are my main concerns, I enjoyed reading this.





No matter what happens I'll always know there's a quote of mine in the YWS quote generator.
— looseleaf