*This story is underneath my folder titled “Adventures of Poppy and others”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1065, I hope you enjoy and Happy New Fear!*
“Do you know where Poppy is?” Ash asked.
Ten year old Ash McLain was sitting in the back of his class, “talking” to a boy around his age named Henry with his mind. Henry did not live in his neighborhood and he didn’t even know what Henry looked like, but for some reason, ever since he was eight years old, he would have dreams about Henry and then, they both could see into each other’s lives.
Henry’s parents were horrible. They were witches and Henry was not, so they would use their own magic to try to give him powers. It was magic that made him too weak to walk at times, magic that gave him scars, magic that hurt him, but they didn’t care. They wanted him to be like them.
Ash didn’t tell anyone about Henry, not even his parents. He didn’t think that they would understand the way he did. Sure, sometimes Ash could feel the pain that Henry was getting from his parents, but it didn’t hurt that much. Besides, it was nice to have a friend to talk to when there was nobody else.
That was why when Mom, Dad, and his older sister, Jessica, found out that his other older sister, Poppy, was missing, he decided that when he started to fall asleep in class, he would ask Henry about Poppy. If Poppy’s disappearance had something to do with the supernatural, then maybe Henry would know why. Henry could help.
“I can’t connect with other minds, remember? Only yours. I hope you find Poppy soon, though. I’m sorry that she’s missing.” Henry’s voice said in his mind.
Henry always had a whispering, slightly fearful quality to his voice, as though he were afraid to breathe. Ash didn’t like that part of his voice, but he liked the soothing, lullaby-like sound beneath that terror. That gave a warm, safe feeling in his heart as he drifted off to sleep, the teacher and the chalkboard beginning to look blurry as his eyelids started to flutter shut. It made him a little sad that Henry couldn’t connect to other minds, but that was alright. Ash wouldn’t give up and neither would Henry.
“It’s okay. I’m going to keep looking for her. You look for her too. I’ll show you a picture of her later. We’re going to find her before anything bad happens to her.”
Though Ash wasn’t sure, he thought that he felt a smile on Henry’s face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hey there creeper!
I'm liking these characters, particularly Ash! The idea that he can "talk" to Henry through dreams and thoughts is genuinely interesting, especially because Henry is not only a fun supernatural friend - he has his own life, his own pain, and his own limits. That makes the friendship feel important instead of random, even if I am going into this rather blind. I also like how Ash’s missing sister, Poppy, connects the everyday world of school and family with the magical world of witches and such. That is a strong setup for a mystery, and it made me want to know what happened to Poppy. I'll have to read on and see what happens!
The main thing I would suggest is slowing down a little and showing some moments instead of explaining everything at once. For example, instead of telling us Henry’s parents are horrible and use magic that gives him scars, you could show Ash suddenly feeling a flash of Henry’s pain during class, or seeing one of Henry’s memories in a dream. That would make the more supernatural parts feel even more real - at least, as far as "real" goes. Also, the story gives us a lot of important information very quickly (Henry, witches, mind powers, Poppy missing, etc), so adding a little more space between these ideas would help the reader follow the plot more easily.
This is a neat story so far though! Keep writing, creeper!
best,
cocteau
Thx for reviewing and advice! I%u2019m glad you like the characters!
After a good night’s sleep, I am back for more of these folders XD For Violet Victory!
Grammar tip you also want to start applying, especially if you want to get your stories published: ten-year-old with the dashes. Important dashes. Always show up for age-related things like that. Except for here: “he was eight years old“ here the lack of dashes is correct xd
Wait what? These parents do sound HORRIBLE O_O
Also it sounds like that maybe Henry actually is a witch? A telepath witch? And if he told his parents maybe they would stop? (Wishful thinking I know ☹ )
Thanks for the small insight into what happens away from Poppy!
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Well yes, Henry is a witch of some kind. I plan to write a bigger story with Ash and Henry.
Thx for reading! ^v^