Young Writers Society

Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I don't think I've read the other pieces linked to this one so forgive me if get some things wrong. With that being said I hope my thoughts could brighten your day all the same. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I found this a very bittersweet piece. It does sound like the siblings truly caews about each other only to meet a sad end. It seems like Lilie might have found her brother in whatever state he was in and was shaken. Yet at the same time, they are happy to spend the rest of their afterlives with Percy.

Maybe this would be a joyous ending if I didn't have the shrinking feeling they didn't live much longer than he did. Although I cant be sure and dont have the full context I just have a hunch these two lasted a few months or one to two years after finding him. It could be because it's common in horror or because finding your passed-away sibling would make go through some poor mental health so I could see it sadly.

Now moving on to feedback. I promise this will be very short this time around. As always I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all.

I won't go too much into this as I do Luminscent Ant on the metaphors and verbs. Furthermore, I do wish you expanded more on the aftermath of the sisters finding him. This could make the ending even more tragic because we get into their guttural reactions before figuring out they died.

Regardless I found this interesting but conflicting read. I hope to read the other new posts you posted sometime this weekend. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!

Hi vampricone! I'm here to review your song/poem using the YWS S'more Method!

I...vaguely remember reading Percy's Plight? It was more than a year ago when I read it, so I might have forgotten some stuff, but nonetheless I hope this review will be helpful!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This appears to be a poem about Percy's sisters and what happened to them/what they were doing when Percy left. It is undoubtedly a tragic tale, but one that ends sort of nicely, since we know that they died in peace because they could be with their brother.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I feel like you could add more emotion to the poem, in terms of what Percy's sisters were feeling, in a more vivid way. Maybe sprinkle in some metaphors or a specific emotion that they felt, like sorrow or depression, or if they were worried.

I also think this piece could use more fresh verbs, if that makes sense. Like, instead of saying, "Lillie tried to check on Percy" you could say, "Lillie, her heart filled with worry, rushed to ensure her brother's safety" or something. I struggle with doing this too, so don't worry about it too much, it's hard to come up with words that could make the piece more interesting.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I liked the pattern of comparing the two sisters throughout the piece and how Sadie didn't know much about Percy, but she was still involved in trying to find her brother. Meanwhile, Lillie was worried about her brother, and did her best to save him. I also liked how there was a part of the poem that seemed completely hopeless on how Percy was gone, and then it ended on a nicer note, on how the Hatchett siblings finally got to be together in the end. It was a sad story, but it ended more optimistic, and gave the reader hope.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, I thought this was a slightly tragic piece, but it had a peaceful ending. I also thought it was a nice addition to this story of Percy, and it was interesting that it was in a different perspective.

Keep writing!