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@Ravena I made this! :>

I usually find your poems quite pleasant so let's see what you have in store this time!

*Reads* haha, in store! Didn't know you would use that in the poem but it fits perfectly!

I found the rhymes a bit too simple this time around, like you were trying too hard to make it rhyme.

That said I really like the line about raising them with love and light and then the guilt cutting!

I also really like how you build up to the final line, it does feel like a crescendo towards the inevitable Leopold Shapcott!



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Oh hey there! It’s the last poem/lyric from the green room that I have to get to from before today that has zero reviews!

So, I put this one off til last because I’m not really sure how seriously to treat it in terms of how deep a critique you want on it. It’s a quickie for a friend’s character, right?

The syllable count is solid at the beginning, we have 12 syllables followed immediately by 13 which are large enough numbers that the single syllable difference fails to register as more than pleasing variation to the ear. The flow is lacking there (example of a random sentence that flows better with the first line would be “Were ever so clever except for what they knew” which will just match with the first line better if said out loud due mostly to “ever so clever”), but again I’m not sure how deep a critique you want. From there it kind of goes all over the place. The next line has 15 syllables which stands out, followed immediately by 7.

Okay, this is getting out of hand for a review where I suggested I wouldn’t go deep. This stuff is important for making poetry that sounds nice when spoken, though.

I can’t say much about the overall representation or depictions since I’m not familiar with the original character involved, but the imagery is straightforward and clear. You tell the story vividly.

The last two rhymes are near rhymes (light/knife and stopped/-cott), which are always better for ending rhymes in my opinion. Ideally the whole thing would be near rhymes since it’s all ending rhymes.

I understand that as long as your friend likes it none of this matters that much for this individual poem, but working on it as a creative exercise and seeing how you can change the lines so they have the same meaning but fit the syllable count would be a valuable thing to do. I do it with my stuff that is supposed to have regular meter and rhyme all the time, it’s essential. Your favorite song lyrics probably weren’t those specific words when the writer first had the idea, and the more times you adjust lines to fit meter overall the more you improve at it when you’re working on a poem for more than one person.

I have thoroughly failed to not go deep. Oh well. I hope you got something out of this though!

Please understand that I’m not saying you should do this for every poem you put up on here before posting, but just that it would be a useful exercise to do with your old work.