*This song/poem is underneath my folder titled “Elsdale circus” and is about the man who ran the factory two characters from my “Elsdale circus” stories, Celia and Delia, worked at. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Mr. Factory man
Lied to many parents
Told em’ that their kids would be fine
That it was worth it for a dime
They all had to work, those poor kids
All in order to make ends meet
Briefly they had hope when Celia and Delia ran away
But that hope steadfast went astray
It wasn’t until Mr. Factory man fell in a vat
That they were able to run home with their skin still on their back
Some at the factory died and ascended
Some got to live and create descendants
But at least they all got free
And Mr. Factory man
Was judged indeed
He burns like he should
The children can rejoice!
Though they didn’t run away like Celia and Delia
They still found a way out
Some were put to death by Mr. Factory man
And when their parents found out after they expired
They felt so terrible for what had transpired
But many had grown
And were able to protect their own
Finally, they can rest
Finally, the burden is off of their chest
Finally, finally, finally…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Yay I always love when you slap down some poetry. I think its an underrated part of your game. Shall we begin?
Just a few sporadic thoughts.
1. Amelia Badelia could've gotten them out. Amelia Bedelia could've save Celia and Delia. (Sorry its all i could think of with their names).
2. Is the Factory man the Joker by any chance? I mean, he's crazy, toys with people, falls into a vat of acid....im not saying you did it intentionally but it sure has parallels. And also, Factory Man legitimately sounds like a name a serial killer would get which is fittingly icky.
3. Sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you dont. I think when you do it works pretty well, especially the last few lines. I think committing one way or the other would help me know how to read this. I love rhymes personally, and think it gives a sort of "around the campfire " vibe of a creepy story which obviously fits quite well with your vibe.
I also have every faith that you could pull it off if you went for it.
4. The finally finally finally actually ruined what seemed like a happy ending. And by ruined i dont mean in a bad way, but.in a way that makes me feel like maybe he's still out there and none of.them are safe....
~Messy
Super glad you enjoyed. The last bit is because while he may be dead, the trauma of working in a factory as children will never leave them.
Thanks for your suggestions (and jokes!).
Oh also I didn't know you could do emojis in the title??
I used my phone to post it lol
Hello, My Friend!
Oh wow, what a fittingly eerie piece for such an evil character! This was a very clever and poetic way to tell us what happened to that terrible guy, and assure us that even though not all of them made it out, they still got justice. I like the rhymes you made toward the end, and the way you ended it, the word “finally” just echoing and fading out, gave it an ethereal sort of feeling and really emphasized how long these poor kids have suffered.
As for a more technical review, I don’t have anything to remark on. Nicely done!
Ooo, special moments and favorite lines is tricky with this one. Hm…I did really like this part here:
The near rhyme, the images it provokes—I thought this was a great way of bringing out the time period, and the desperation of these families.
I do love how you ended this piece here. As well as the repetition of “finally” that I mentioned, this evokes a somber yet sweet image—the children who survived get to live on and grow up, using their experience to protect their own children, while those who didn’t make it can at least rest in peace <3
Overall, I loved that! Very nice!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you so much!!