*This song/poem is under my folder titled “Elsdale Circus”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33 [2]”. Enjoy!*
Sebastian Shapcott lived how he wanted
He didn’t care who got hurt in the process
And even as he made the deathly promise
He still had quite the grin
For to him, life was a game
To live by the rules was to sin
Stealing away souls would help him thrive
He never once regretted his choice
Even as the Hellfire filled his mind with ferocious noise
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi creepy. Have Revmo. I see more poetry, and I click.
This a short one, so not a ton to say. The rhyming scheme is a bit all over the place. Process and Promise almost rhyme, and grin and game are kind of similar, but then you also rhyme grin with sin, and then choice with noise which almost rhyme. It just made it very hard to figure out what sort of way to read this.
But what promise is this? Is he the grim reaper? You mention sucking souls, but why exactly? Just total anarchy? I suppose I could buy that, but it isn't really clear.
I do love your last line. For one thing, it determines that there a hell and heaven presumably, and that characters arent just living for themselves and i's all about interpretation. You also managed to say that fire roared but in a more unique way. I love the power behind "ferocious". It's a strong word when not overused, and if ever there was a time to use it, it would be about the fires of hell.
If stealing souls helped him thrive though, why was he falling into hell? If time still caught up to him that would be a nice thing to see the contrast of his carefree mentality with the reality of, well, reality.
Just my thoughts
~Messy
No, Sebastian is not the grim reaper lol. He had this desire to take the souls of ppl because it was amusing to him and he did, but he paid for it later.
Thx for reading!
Hello Again, My Friend!
(I couldn’t wait to read the next one lol). Hm, a shorter one, yet equally eerie—and fitting, as I feel like this character doesn’t need much said to prove his wickedness. You lay out his twisted philosophy in the beginning, recite his terrible deed, and end with that eerie hit of karma. Very nice…
As for a technical review, again I don’t have much. Maybe, really stretching it…I would think the metric felt a bit off on the final line? Perhaps breaking it into two would help? For example…
Even as the Hellfire filled his mind
With a most ferocious noise
But again, that’s REALLY stretching it, and I’m far from a pro in reviewing poetry or lyrics lol. Please take my advice with a grain of salt, take what you want and leave the rest!
My favorite part would have to be…
I just love how creepy this line and its imagery are, keeping a grin even as he does something so horrific. Ooo, spooky!
Overall, another great song! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you!!!
I added something:
🎪🎠 The original Elsdale Circus cast and crew 🎠🎪
I really like your similar sounding lines put together. This makes for a fantastically creepy karma reeping story. So nicely done.
Thank you!
You're most welcome