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Siren’s Desire-Part Eight

by vampricone6783


*This is part eight of my series “Siren’s Desire”. This story is underneath my folder titled “Siren’s Desire”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Isadora held Rhian’s hands tightly, looking up at him with starry eyes. They stood behind a cream-colored palace, the stars twinkling brightly in the sky.

Another flash of a memory came to Lorelei’s mind.

Rhian’s skeleton washing up in an island, the once sparkling Prince covered in sand and barnacles, as though he were nothing.

Lorelei stopped. She could feel a hard, grating surface underneath her feet.

She let go of Isadora, who watched with excited sockets, and began to dig.

……………………………………………………

From the grains of the sand, Lorelei found the skeleton of Rhian, dressed in royal blue, pieces of peach-colored skin hanging onto his yellowing bones.

“Rhian! Oh, Rhian!” Isadora beamed happily, holding the skeleton close to her. Rhian responded by hugging her back, as though they had waited years to see each other.

Lorelei’s family was back at the beach. Israfel was with Elvira, and the water…

The water tumbled over Lorelei, Isadora, and Rhian, pushing them away from the island.

Am I ever going to get home? Does Israfel even care about me? Doesn’t he think of me as a victim? I mean, I look just like all of his victims. He’s a monster, he only wants to kill.

My family is probably worried sick about me, and here I am, trying to save the world, when all I’ve ever done was help Israfel put his victims to rest.

But weren’t Lorelei’s thoughts wrong? Israfel had to care about her. She was with him to save the world…

Right?


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Sat Jun 22, 2024 7:48 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

A short little addition to our story here I though I'd quickly throw a review at before going to the next part that's still in the green room. I think this does a great job consolidating everything from the previous bit of action and thinking forward.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Isadora held Rhian’s hands tightly, looking up at him with starry eyes. They stood behind a cream-colored palace, the stars twinkling brightly in the sky.

Another flash of a memory came to Lorelei’s mind.

Rhian’s skeleton washing up in an island, the once sparkling Prince covered in sand and barnacles, as though he were nothing.

Lorelei stopped. She could feel a hard, grating surface underneath her feet.

She let go of Isadora, who watched with excited sockets, and began to dig.


Well looks like that has gone a little better than I thought it was going to especially following that big moment with the whole drowning situation. Well this is quite fun to see. I am enjoying how this is going so far, really creating quite a lot from that little moment with the skeletons.

From the grains of the sand, Lorelei found the skeleton of Rhian, dressed in royal blue, pieces of peach-colored skin hanging onto his yellowing bones.

“Rhian! Oh, Rhian!” Isadora beamed happily, holding the skeleton close to her. Rhian responded by hugging her back, as though they had waited years to see each other.

Lorelei’s family was back at the beach. Israfel was with Elvira, and the water…


Oooh well another skeleton, although looks like now fully friendly. Well this is continuing to get more wholesome by the moment even as the horror part of it is honestly only getting bigger too. I' genuinely quite impressed by how much horror you can pack into a very wholesome moment.

The water tumbled over Lorelei, Isadora, and Rhian, pushing them away from the island.

Am I ever going to get home? Does Israfel even care about me? Doesn’t he think of me as a victim? I mean, I look just like all of his victims. He’s a monster, he only wants to kill.

My family is probably worried sick about me, and here I am, trying to save the world, when all I’ve ever done was help Israfel put his victims to rest.

But weren’t Lorelei’s thoughts wrong? Israfel had to care about her. She was with him to save the world…

Right?


Well interesting. We have our happy moments but just a little reflection towards the end as we see that full picture and that one does seem to be throwing up just a couple of potential issues there. Definitely things to keep in mind as our story continues here.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall very nicely done here. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. That ending really suggested that we're going to have a sizeable amount of things going down here soon.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate


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Wed Jun 19, 2024 4:59 am
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I hope you don't mind me popping in with a quick review. I will say that this might be light on feedback this time, but for the sake of fairness, I will try to point out some things. On top of that, I will apologize if I get anything wrong I can't remember If read any of the past updates of this series. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I found this a strong little piece of writing here. I am interested in the setting and how this world works as necromancy in some form seems to exist. Like EilleMae said I like the descriptions at the start it helps set the mood. I also liked the feel at the start the soft almost sweet moment melting into a bit of horror was quite gripping. The hug was also sweet as from what I can tell two were close in life. To end this part I want to bring up well the end of this piece I enjoyed the uncertainty and moral grayness present in this character. It made me interested in seeing where this plot will go despite not having the full context.

Now that we have gone over the highlights let's go into what can be approved a little. It shouldn't be too much this time around So I wouldn't worry. Just like last time these are my thoughts and I am by no means a professional. It is up to you on whether you want to use this feedback or not. However, I do hope you will at least think about them.

She could a feel hard, grating surface underneath her feet.


I do enjoy this line but I feel the A should come after feel not before.

She could feel a hard, grating surface underneath her feet.


This one is the last line that really stuck out to me as possibly needing to be rearranged. ( If I miss a typo or any other issue I apologize as I am kind of tired. )

From the grains of the sand, Lorelei found the skeleton of Rhian, dressed in royal blue, peach colored pieces of skin hanging onto his yellowing bones.


For this one, I would simply rearrange the bit about the skin as in my personal opinion it comes off as awkward currently. I would do something like this.
From the grains of the sand, Lorelei found the skeleton of Rhian, dressed in royal blue, pieces of peach-colored skin hanging onto his yellowing bones.


Regardless of this feedback I can tell this an interesting story and wouldn't mind seeing what comes next
As always Keep writing and remember to drink water!




vampricone6783 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Jun 18, 2024 5:32 pm
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EllieMae wrote a review...



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Hey Vampricone 8) Your friend Ellie here, back with another review! I hope you are having a great day so far. Let's jump in!

Right from the start of this chapter, these lines really stood out to me:

Rhian’s skeleton washing up in an island, the once sparkling Prince covered in sand and barnacles, as though he were nothing.

Lorelei stopped. She could a feel hard, grating surface underneath her feet.


Your details are very vivid here. I like the name Lorelei too, how pretty is that!? Your description of the 'hard, grating surface' really enhances the piece. I really enjoyed these details because they helped me picture what was happening so much cleared. The skeleton details were wonderful too. Awesome work so far! Let's keep reading!

We continue with even more details here:

From the grains of the sand, Lorelei found the skeleton of Rhian, dressed in royal blue, peach colored pieces of skin hanging onto his yellowing bones.

“Rhian! Oh, Rhian!” Isadora beamed happily, holding the skeleton close to her. Rhian responded by hugging her back, as though they had waited years to see each other.

Lorelei’s family was back at the beach. Israfel was with Elvira, and the water…


Again, your details here were impeccable. We hear it all, from the grains of the sand, to the royal blue and peach colours, and details of how she held the skeleton- they all come together and form a lovely graphic chapter. I found the dialogue to be easy to follow along with and simple as well, which was nice. The internal thoughts and comments throughout this chapter flowed well and felt like they were in real time.

Awesome work! Overall, another wonderful chapter. Keep on writing!!

Your friend,
Ellie

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