Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once there was a thirteen year old boy named Ryan Blackrose who just didn't understand his older sister,Hayley.

Hayley always dreamed and had this faraway look on her face,like she was unhappy with her life.

Why?

Why couldn't she just be content?

Why couldn't she just...hang out with him more?

This hollowness,this loneliness of knowing he couldn't figure out his older sister...troubled him to his core.

Would Ryan ever know or understand someone he's lived with years again?

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I have been so inconsistent in reviewing your works that I still cannot pinpoint where each of the characters fit. So I always view them as individuals, and since you mostly post origin stories, it is rather easy to follow even if we have know prior knowledge about who is related to who.

I think I am familiar enough with your writing style now. Its a little sporadic and vague, but exciting at the same time because of the way you develop the plot. In this story, I felt like we were missing the plot or the string of actions or rather tragedy that always befalls your characters. Like, Horisun said, it felt like a vague outline of the story you wanted to present, rather than the story itself.

That said, we have a rather solid character here and we recognize the conflict presented in his story at once - his inability to connect or form a relationship with his sister. I like how we focus on his psyche and the emotional vulnerability of the character. It might not make for the most exciting of plots, but we have a bigger theme here and one that is much more relatable. We can also sense the insecurity in the character and his obvious desire to understand and befriend his sister. The question he poses at the very end shows how deeply this disconnection from his sister actually disturbs him and how it has grown into an insecurity that makes him question his relationship with the other people in his life.

I feel like if you had expanded on this theme or perhaps shown us glimpses of the brother-sister relationship through dialogues and interactions, we would have been able to connect with the characters on a much deeper level. Maybe include a scene where Ryan tries to connect with his sister but his attempt is rejected and cast aside like always. You could use his disappointment to help us better understand the emotional impact of this dismissal, and maybe the interaction between them could help us understand Hayley as a character as well.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hello! I hope you're having a wonderful day or night!
This was a rather short story, though brimmed with lots of potential. I've noticed that with a lot of your stories, you tend to format them more like a poem then an actual narrative. I would suggest, instead of;
"Sentence one.
Sentence two."
You could have;
"Hayley always dreamed and had this faraway look on her face, like she was unhappy with her life. Why couldn't she just be more content?" As is, it can become jarring for readers, having your sentences broken up as they are.
I also notice you do a lot of telling over showing. I apologize for the cliched advice, but it is an essential aspect of almost all creative writing. What you have here almost feels like the summary of a story, over one actually told. I would recommend including more dialogue and action.
Regardless of all that, this concept is extremely interesting. Your characters have never failed to draw me into the story you're telling. They are memorable, they are fun, and they are tragic. You're very good at planning out a story, and if you fleshed out particular moments just a tad more, you'd really, really be onto something! So keep on writing, and have a great day!