Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Mean while Ryan was busy riding his bike home. Minding his own business, not paying much attention to anyone around him. He made sure to not to come close to anyone on the side walk as he rode by. Whenever he stopped to wait for the cars to pass he made sure to stay about five feet away from other people waiting around him. This was an everyday thing for Ryan, avoiding normal people was second nature. Like every crossbreed his life is constantly at risk. But he’s known his life’s in danger for much longer than most. He’s had time for his paranoia to grow to life altering levels.As he continued to ride his bike across the sidewalk he quickly noticed that he was alone. No one was walking around him, not even on the opposite sidewalk. He stopped his bike immediately and frantically looked around. He sniffed the air briefly and knitted his brows in distress.
“Wait what? what? Five crossbreeds… five of them are heading directly for me. But… none of them are together. Their big, all of them are big and they’re all going to surround me!” Ryan said to himself as he hopped off his bike and chained it to a nearby light post.
Ryan then quickly bolted down the street in the opposite direction of the men going for him.
“Hopefully my smell is still on the bike… Fucking fuck, I told that god damn rabbit ‘no’ I told her no’! So this is what you do huh?” he said to himself as he continued to run, his speed slowly building.
Ryan had a clear advantage against these men, no matter what crossbreed species they were the chances of any of them having better senses then a cat and the fact that he had a head start before they could even confront him.
“Okay wait slow down wait no don’t slow down! Okay stop your panicking again. You have a plan, I have a plan. The bottle of strong cologne you have in my bag it will easily mask over my sent as a crossbreed. I just need to find a crowd of people to hide in very quickly. I can smell them following me”
After minutes of zigzagging through the neighborhood Ryan finds a park crowded with people of various ages.
“here” Ryan said to himself as violently opens in his bag to pull out his cologne and a scrunchie he then hastily started spraying it all around him in a place he could reach with his flexible body. He then pushed back his thick curly hair all the way back and tied it with the scrunchie making a rather small pony tail.
“I look awful with my hair like this but I just have to bear with it” He said as he quickly pulled his bag over his shoulder “alright my scent is masked and my appearance is changed… slightly. Now just to blend in as a normal person”
Ryan then quickly pulled out his phone and walked to a bench to sit down he then started to play on his phone for a little bit. After a minute a group of men walked into the park. Ryan noticed them quickly but kept his eyes on the phone.
“It’s them, I can barely smell it through my own cologne but these guys are the crossbreeds that have been chasing me. My god and there huge, I couldn’t fight back even if I wanted to. Okay just stay calm and focus on what their saying” Ryan thought to himself.
“Now where could he have gone to, his trail has disappeared completely” one of them said.
“Man she wasn’t being dishonest when she said this guy is crafty; we didn’t even get to see his face before he bolted. And here I thought surrounding him would be the best option but he seemed prepared” another one said.
“Stop commending the pussy for running away and find him! I won’t be heading back empty handed” one of them commanded as they spread out and walked around the park
Ryan heard every word he had a calm casual look on his face as he played with his phone but on the inside he was panicking. The only thing Ryan could do right now is sit there in this populated area until they all left, he didn’t dare get and try to leave as soon as they started looking around. So Ryan sat there and waited as they searched. Even after an hour of waiting the cologne was still going strong and Ryan was still on his phone. Soon enough they all regrouped to an area of the park were Ryan could still hear them perfectly.
“Okay we lost him time to go back to the group” one of them stated
“Giving up that easily?” one of them asked
“Searching an entire park for an hour isn’t really ‘giving up that easily’ you know” he retorted
“You do realize how pissed she’ll be when she finds out that that we lost the guy without even finding out what he looks like” the other man retorted
“She can get as mad as she wants to, I’m out here” he said as he walked off. The others looked at each other then shrugged as they all went their separate ways. Soon enough they were so far away that Ryan couldn’t smell them anymore, he then lets out a sigh of relief.
“Finally it’s over, looks like that rabbit doesn’t pull a whole lot of weight in her little organization. Odd she seemed to be the type of person to be in charge. But it doesn’t matter now I just need to call Luke and warn him about this mess” and he did, the phone rang and rang but there was no answer. Ryan’s eyes widen in surprise. Ryan has known Luke for a decent amount of time now and he never misses calls.
“… Maybe it’s just a mistake, there a first time for everything right? Maybe he just didn’t reach his phone in time… I’ll call again” Ryan said to himself in a reassuring manner as he dialed again which resulted in the same outcome: no response. Without a word he quickly tried calling him once again, and yet again no response. Ryan grit his teeth has his slight relief was abruptly stopped, Luke was relying to anyone of his calls, he even started texting and leaving voice mails but still nothing.
“No no no! Luke isn’t replying at all did he get captured? Did he get kill? He blurted out as he stood up holding his head. At this point Ryan was in a panic, you could clearly see that he was sweating at this point he was unaware of his surroundings.
“This is bad this is very bad, I tried my hardest to warn him but it wasn’t enough it wasn't enough. I didn’t give him a plan if he was ever confronted by them, I had a plan but I never gave him one. This is my fault. The only thing I could do now is confront her about this I need t- at that moment Ryan felt a painful impact on the back on his head. The impact was so strong that it knocked him face first into the ground, he thought to himself: wow… That really hurt… I think I’m about to be knocked out… I was punched but I’m a crossbreed… Human shouldn’t have strength to knock me out with their bare hands. Wow… I’m sleepy. At that moment Ryan lost consciousness and eventually woke up chained to chair next to me. He frantically looked around until he found me next to chained to a similar chair.
“Luke! You’re alive, you’re alright? Right? Wait where is this?” he asked as he looks around
“Do you really think I know? I was drugged and dragged here, judging by the looks of this place it’s probably an abandoned warehouse” I explained.
“Wow that’s cliché” he said as he knitted his eye as he looked at me “you’re not wearing your contacts”
“I’m not?” I asked at that moment I noticed that his contacts were gone as well “Your contacts are gone too”
“What?” he yelled “first they knocked me out at a park and now they take one of the only things I can use to hide that fact that I’m a crossbreed. Honestly I don’t want to be a part of all this why do these people have to make it so god damn difficult”
“Wait they knocked you out at a park? How’d they manage to do that?” I questioned in disbelief
“Oh let me tell you, this guy is very crafty honestly if I wasn’t there he would have gotten away” said an unfamiliar female voice. She was standing behind our chairs she had black jeans with a plain blue shirt she had a black leather jacket that had its sleeves rolled up to her forearms. She had short hair that only reached to back of her neck and her hair was dyed as blue as the ocean, it wasn’t clearly seen as she had a beanie on. She had a really dirty grin on her face “I should probably say hi… So hello Luke… Hi Ryan”
“It was you who knocked me out?” Ryan questioned in surprised
“You know her?” I asked
“No not at all actually I’m just asking” he explained. The girl chuckled at us as she crossed her arms
“Yep I was the one who laid you out. You must be wondering how you didn’t sniff me out. Well you see I was at the park way before you got there, I had a feeling the putty cat would run away at the first chance he got so I thought maybe I should head you off. I knew you would smell my ass before you even got to the park so I decided to roll around with neighborhood dogs at the park. Now you all know that were able to attract species of the animals in our genus easily also news flash my genus are Canidae, mainly dogs so making me smell like a common dog wasn’t too hard. I couldn’t smell that you were a crossbreed because of your cologne but I could tell considering you were yelling out Luke’s name in a panic” She explained.
“What? You were yelling out my name in a park?” I questioned
“I was panicking!” Ryan said trying to justify his actions
“Let me tell you the looks I got for knocking you were interesting I had to spin up a lie about you being my brother and that you were autistic and you forgot to take your medication also you were one of those autistic kids with the ridiculous strength and if I didn’t knock you out you would hurt someone. It was fucking funny, but I would have much rather have done the whole dog chases cat thing but that would have been a lot harder to explain” She explained. After that I could hear multiple footsteps behind her, they were clearly crossbreeds
“Oh god…” Ryan muttered
“Well, time for awkward part of this whole being captured thing, the leader wants to talk to you guys. Also the names Gizmo, I’m probably going to be seeing around for a bit"
End of chapter
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
So, I'd just like to point out before I start that I haven't read any other chapters of your story so I cannot comment on story development, character growth, etc... I will, however, do my best to give you a helpful review and if I get something wrong, please let me know!
Alright, so I really like stories that involve crossbreeds and animorphs. The whole concept is really cool to me so I really enjoyed reading this chapter from that aspect. This was really awesome see, with him hiding and the suspense of it all and him getting capture. I could see this being a cool movie. Nice job!
Onto some nitpicks...
Mean while should be one word: meanwhile
He made sure --to-- not to come close to anyone...
There's an extra "to" in there.
This sentence ran a little funny, like there are some missing words. Maybe you could add in something like this:
"...no matter what crossbreed species they were the chances of any of them having better senses then a cat were slim and the fact that he had a head start before they could even confront him helped.
I noticed there were some grammar things throughout this chapter, sometimes missing punctuation all together that I thought I would point out.
For example:
"Okay, wait. Slow down. Wait! No, don't slow down!"
Or another example:
"No. Not at all, actually. I'm just asking," he explained.
At the end of a dialogue sentence, before the " there always needs to be some form of punctuation. Either a period (.), a comma (,), an exclamation point (!), a question mark (?), or rarely, a hyphen if the character is cut off (-).
If there is a "he said" after a sentence, it will always have a comma unless it's a question (?) or an exclamation (!). If there is a "he said", the "he" will always be lowercase. For example: '"I thought you went home," he said.'
If it's an action after the sentence. For example: '"You lied to me?" Her hands trembled at the thought.' It will always have a period unless it's a question (?) or an exclamation (!). If there is an action-in the example the first word of the action is "her"-it will always be capitalized.
When you go back through your chapters, look out for sentences that end without a period, and places where there are no commas. Read it out loud to see if there's a sentence that sounds like it runs on or needs a pause, and put a comma in.
Ok, I hope all of that made sense. Punctuation can definitely take a while to grasp. In fact, I only recently learned about how to punctuate dialogue. Maybe you aren't interested in grammar nitpicks, as I know some aren't. So if you're not, just ignore what I said above. And if you are, then great! I hope I was able to help you out a little.
And, that's it for the nitpicks. Sorry that was so long! This definitely looks like an interesting story and the world you've created with crossbreeds and such sounds really cool! Very neat story idea and I was able to picture everything pretty clearly, which is great!
Keep up the awesome work and keep writing!
-Lefty
Hello and happy review day from iamanaspiringwriter! I liked this chapter, I apologize, as I have not read the previous chapters. I think it's just a matter of looking over it and simply editing it that will fix much of the nit-picks I see. Here are some examples:
"Their big, all of them are big and they’re all going to surround me!"
I think you mean "they're".
"Ryan had a clear advantage against these men, no matter what crossbreed species they were the chances of any of them having better senses then a cat and the fact that he had a head start before they could even confront him."
This is just a really, really long sentence. You definitely need to split this up. I would phrase it like this, "Ryan had a clear advantage against the men. The chances of any of them having better senses than a cat was slim to none. Plus, Ryan had a head start on them before they could even confront him."
“here” Ryan said to himself as violently opens in his bag to pull out his cologne and a scrunchie he then hastily started spraying it all around him in a place he could reach with his flexible body.
This is another run-on sentence. I would phrase it like this, "Here, Ryan said to himself as he violently opened his bag to pull out his cologne and scrunchie. He then hastily sprayed the cologne all around his body."
I saw some spelling mistakes scattered throughout the chapter also, but they are simple fixes. Just be sure to check your grammar, punctuation, and spelling, and you should be fine! Good job with this chapter! Keep up the good work!
Hello! As promised, I’m here to review. Please bear in mind that I haven’t read the previous chapters and, thus, I might not be able to help you as you would’ve liked.
What kind of crossbreed is he? If you have already mentioned that in earlier chapters, kindly ignore my question.
1. Grammar issue. “Their” should be “they’re”.
2. How does Ryan know they are big and will surround him?
3. Does he talk to himself? Is it, like, his habit? I felt that he did it too often and, honestly, it got a bit annoying. Try to use his thoughts as narration because I found that it flows better.
For example, instead of:
Change it to:
He had to slow down. No, wait, he couldn’t slow down. Not now. Jeez, he had to stop panicking in order to think up a solution. Taking deep breaths to calm down, Ryan cleared his cluttered thoughts.
Cologne! He had cologne in his bag. It’d definitely mask his scent. He could also find a crowd of people to hide in. Sniffing the air once again, Ryan gulped.
They were getting close.
Do you see what I did there? I basically took his dialogue and converted it. It sounds much better, doesn’t it?
You should also aim to give us details or descriptions of his surroundings to help us picture it better. For example, when Ryan’s in the park, he can hear the adults talking, children giggling or laughing, or he sees greenery around him.
1. You switched from third person to first. Try to remain consistent.
2. The scene changed too quickly. Ease us into it. For example, instead of:
Try:
Ryan lost consciousness.
Blinking as if he’d woken up from a heavy sleep, Ryan forced his eyes open. He struggled to breathe, his body felt restrained. Ryan glanced at himself and groaned. He was chained to a chair.
See what I mean?
Lastly, as you warned me, I have noticed many grammar and punctuation errors and, sometimes, I was distracted by them. I’d suggest you to proof read your work, or ask someone else to point out the mistakes before you publish the chapter. In addition, your dialogues were incorrectly formatted. As I’m not good at explaining, I’ll refer you to this blog: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/
I’m curious to know why Luke and Ryan are kidnapped and what they are needed for. I admire Ryan’s ability to make a quick decision under pressure and stick to it. Overall, this has potential. You just need to tidy it up.
Let me know if I helped.
Well done, and keep writing!
Well thank you the review.
and to answer the second question as a Feline crossbreed Ryan has strong sense of smell and can detect where normal people and crossbreeds are and where they move in a large area around him he can also detect the general size of the people he sniffs out but not the actual appearance. And yes Ryan talks to himself constantly.