thump thump thump thump thump thump... that the sound of my normal heart rate yea it beats pretty fast, it's weird how my heart has been like this since I've been born. why am I even thinking about my irregular heat beat I really shouldn't, I have to pay attention to Miss's.Getton talk about Geometry... I'm failing this class, I can't afford to to miss this lesson.... But sleep seems so much better. I felt my eye lids get heavier and heavier with each passing word. Soon I found myself sinking into a deep sleep. Soon I had a dream not just a random dream, but a dream that I've had before multiple times actually. I was in Savanna like place and I surrounded by Komodo Dragons that laid around me and I was eating a live chicken whole. I really didn't know why I've had this dream so many times but didn't really think about so much, for one thing: I love Lizards and I also love chicken so this is a walked win win. Before the the dream could go on I was abruptly awoken by my Miss's Getton book hitting my desk "Luke, I see your having trouble staying awake in my class. Are you bored, because If I had an F in this class I would be anything but bored" Miss Getton Stated "um... sorry I'm just kind of tired. May I please go to the water fountain, maybe the cold water can wake me up" I suggested to her hoping she would let me leave this snooze fest for a minute or two minutes "alright go on ahead, take the pass and don't be long" She responded as she headed back to the board. I slowly got up from my seat and sluggishly walked to her desk and grabbed the pass. I walked to the door not looking at any of the students knowing that everyone of them had their normal eyes on me. I walked about the the classroom and walked down the fall to the water fountain. I got there and started to drink from the fountain the cold water hitting my sharp narrow teeth. After my drink I thought I should go into the rest room to wash my face. I think that's a solid excuse for when she asks why I was gone For more then two minutes. I made my way to rest room where I filled my hands with water and splashed my face with it and rubbed it a bit. I looked into the mirror to see my wet face. Beside my abnormal teeth and my black hair which seems to like strands to be in my face my most distinct feature is my slit lime green eyes. My eyes are all natural I was born with these eyes, I can see just fine but this is extremely odd. But in all honesty I never really payed to much attention to it what so ever if it didn't affect my sight, and besides everyone else has payed attention to me. It's amazing on how when somebody's different everyone just want to point it out. Since I was different in appearance lots of people treated me differently. In preschool I was called scary and people avoided me it was either that or I got bullied. But here at Ashland high my appearance doesn't get me punched but it does get you looks. People always bother me and ask if I have contacts in. In my wild thoughts about my eyes I noticed that someone was standing right next me and was staring directly right at me, this person was Ryan Fingles, he wasn't really the sanest around, I hear he has the most random conversations ever that he pulls out of thin air, a good chunk of them don't even make sense a lot of people even think he's on drugs half the time. He also apparently also studies some weird writing from a weird book, some strange letters in them. He also fits the description of being the least sane in a room: His crazy brown hair that was all over the place, by the look of it was soft but if you actually put your hair though it feels like your dragging your hand through a wild lions mane, as people have told me. His shirt kind of varies a lot, I mainly see him wearing pictures with cats on them, and there not normal pictures at all and the way he looks at you through his glasses kind of terrifies me. He was an add character, but he was smart in and out of school "hello Luke hows school treating you?" Ryan asked still looking at me with those weird eyes "um... just fine man, just fine" i answered quickly "fine? aren't you failing geometry? he asked "yea, who isn't?" I said with nervous smile "I'm not" he responded quickly. there was an awkward silence in the restroom "Luke do you have rabbits in your walls?" he ask with a straight face. That statement got me to turn toward him "what did you just say?" I questioned with a smile "do you have rabbits in you walls?, you know bunny's?" he said those words with conviction, like he wanted a real answer I knitted my brow in confusion "no Ryan I don't have bunnies in my walls" I said nonchalantly "you sure? any in your ceiling or floors? have you seen a rabbits at all?" Ryan asked once again "...no I really haven't seen any rabbits at all. Um so why are asking me these questions Ryan?" I asked hoping to get a ration answer "because rabbits are evil" he said confidently. It felt like I just lost some brain cells with that sentence "you know Ryan when people say that your on drugs I try and be a good sport and not pay attention to it but the way your acting right now makes me believe your on something" I said kindheartedly "no drugs for me, just catnip. But lets get off the topic of my personal interests, lets talk about you" Ryan said pointing at me with both fingers "okay...." I said in confusion "what about me?" I asked "Your name is Luke, LUKE HARPER and you have a step mom I'm pretty sure" He said tilting to the right at a weird angle "....yea I have a step mom, she died when I was young" I said not really making eye contact "oh no she didn't die. she was KILLED.... by the government" Ryan said tilting back up to a normal position "wow you must be on some strong stuff in order to be spewing out stuff like this" I said with a playful smile "your actually kind of funny, that catnip thing kind of had me going. But I would kind of appreciate it if you didn't mention my dead mother" "Luek Luek Luek, do you know what you are?" He asked "um I'm a high school student at Ashland high" I stated plain-fully "congratulations you answered that question in a way that will extend this conversions. You are in fact a student here like I AND your 100% human, but you don't know whats on the inside, your not alone here. An example is needed I know" He said as he toke his glasses and stoke both fingers on the surface of his eyes "oh what you have contacts?" I asked taking a step closer in curiosity. He moved his fingers out the way, both contacts on his middle and index finger I looked at his face to see his eyes were orange and were like a cat slit.
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello, I'll be correcting your entire piece so that you can copy and paste the correct form. I enjoy the plot, but if people are really going to enjoy this series, there must be correct grammar, no can do without it.
Thump, thump thump thump.. that was the sound of my normal heart rate. Yeah, it beats pretty fast, it's weird how my heart has been since I was born. Why am I even thinking about my irregular heart beat? I really shouldn't, I have to pay attention to Mrs. Getton talk about Geometry... I'm failing this class, I can't afford to to miss this lesson.... but sleep seems so much better. I felt my eyelids get heavier and heavier with each passing word. Soon, I found myself sinking into a deep sleep.
I had a dream not just a normal dream--but a dream that I've had multiple times already. I was in Savannah-like place and I surrounded by Komodo Dragons that lay around me as I was eating a live chicken whole.
I really didn't know why I've had this dream so many times, but I didn't really think about so much; I love Lizards and I also love chicken so this is a win-win. Before the the dream could go on, I was abruptly awoken by my Mrs. Getton's book hitting my desk.
"Luke, I see your having trouble staying awake in my class. Are you bored? Because If I had an F in this class I would be anything but bored," Mrs. Getton snapped. "Um... sorry-I'm just kind of tired. May I please go to the water fountain? Maybe the cold water can wake me up," I suggested to her, hoping she would let me leave this snooze fest for a minute or two.
"Alright go on ahead, take the pass and don't be long," she responded as she headed back to the board.
I slowly got up from my seat and sluggishly walked to her desk and grabbed the pass. I walked to the door, not looking at any of the students-knowing that everyone of them had their eyes on me. I walked about the the classroom and walked down the hall to the water fountain. I leaned down and started to drink from the fountain; the cold water hitting my sharp, narrow teeth.
After my drink, I thought I should go into the restroom to wash my face. I think that's a solid excuse for when she asks why I was gone for more then two minutes. I made my way to the restroom where I filled my hands with water and splashed my face with it and rubbed it a bit. Besides my abnormal teeth and my black hair,--which seemed to be in my strands. My most distinct feature, though, was my slit emerald eyes. My eyes are all natural; I was born with them, I can see just fine-but at this moment, it was extremely odd.
But in all honesty, I never really payed to much attention to it whatsoever,if it didn't affect my sight, and besides everyone else has payed attention to me. It's amazing when somebody's different and everyone wants to point it out. Since I was different in appearance, lots of people treated me differently. In preschool I was called scary- and people avoided me; it was either that, or I got bullied. But here at Ashland High, my appearance doesn't get me punched, but it does get lots of strange looks. People always bother me and ask if I have contacts.
In my wild thoughts about my eyes, I noticed that someone was standing right next me and was staring directly right at me. This person was Ryan Fingles, he wasn't really the sanest around, I heard he has the most random conversations ever that he pulls out of thin air, a good chunk of them don't even make sense; a lot of people even think he's on drugs half the time. He also apparently also studies some odd writing from a dusty book with strange runes in them. He also fits the description of being the least sane in a room: his crazy brown hair that was all over the place, by the look of it, it was soft-but if you actually put your hair though it, it feels like your dragging your hand through a wild lion's mane, as people have told me.
His shirt kind of varies a lot, I mainly see him wearing shirts with cats on them, and some not normal pictures at all; and the way he looks at you through his glasses kind of terrifies me. He was an odd character, but he was smart."Hello Luke how is school treating you?"
Ryan asked still looking at me with those strange, out-of-place eyes.
"Um... just fine man, just fine," I answered briskly. "Fine? Aren't you failing Geometry?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Yea, who isn't?" I said with nervous smile. "I'm not," he responded quickly.
There was an awkward silence in the restroom. "Luke, do you have rabbits in your walls?" he asked with a straight face. That statement got me to turn toward him. I stared blankly at him; stupefied."What did you just say?" I questioned awkwardly. "Do you have rabbits in you walls? You know, bunnies?" he said those words with conviction, like he wanted a real answer.
I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. "No Ryan, I don't have bunnies in my walls," I said nonchalantly. "You sure? Any in your ceiling or floors? Have you seen a rabbits at all?" Ryan asked once again. "No... I really haven't seen any rabbits at all. Um, so why exactly are you asking me these questions, Ryan?" I asked hoping to get a rational answer. "Because rabbits are evil," he said confidently. It felt like I just lost some brain cells with that sentence. "Ryan ,when people say that your on drugs; I try to be a good sport and not pay attention to it, but the way your acting right now makes me believe your on something," I said kindheartedly, hoping he wouldn't take any offense.
"No drugs for me, just catnip. But lets get off the topic of my personal interests, lets talk about you," Ryan said pointing at me with both fingers. "Okay...." I said in confusion. "What about me?" I asked.
"Your name is Luke... LUKE HARPER, and you have a step-mom I'm pretty sure," he said, tilting to the right at a weird angle. "Yea, I have a step mom, she died when I was young," I said, not making eye-contact. "Oh no, she didn't die. She was KILLED.... by the government,"Ryan said casually, tilting back up to a normal position. "Wow you must be on some strong stuff in order to be spewing out stuff like this," I said with a playful smile.
"Your actually kind of funny, that catnip thing kind of had me going. But I would kind of appreciate it if you didn't mention my dead mother," I said.
"Luke, Luke, Luke, do you know what you are?" he asked, almost like he was teasing me. "Um... I'm a high school student at Ashland High," I stated plainly. "Congratulations, you answered that question in a way that will extend this conversion. You are in fact a student here, AND your 100% human, but you don't know whats on the inside, your not alone here. An example is needed I know," e said as he toke his glasses and placed both of his fingers on the surface of his eyes. "Oh, you have contacts?" I asked, taking a step closer in curiosity.
He moved his fingers out the way, both contacts on his middle and index finger. I looked at his face to see his eyes were orange and were like a cat slits. I gaped, stumbling away from somebody that I couldn't even call human anymore..
I hope you don't find my review in any way harsh or offensive, but there was a lot I found wrong with this passage.
First of all, your spelling is a little off. Like the young writer stated below me, your homophones are all a bit mixed up, like the words "you're" and "your". Make sure you remember the differences between these two and any other homophone.
Also, you absolutely MUST capitalize your first letters of the first words in your sentences. If you don't, it makes your writing seem sloppy and lazily written.
For another thing, try not to do all caps on a word if it's emphasized. All caps is for over enthusiastic dialogue. Use italics for emphasizing.
For a fourth tip, what really bothered me was that fact that you didn't write in paragraphs. I find myself lost and confused at some points, because I wasn't able to follow along easily. Writing in paragraphs is a lot more easier and makes it neater. Also, the reader will be able to flow through the passage more swiftly.
Make sure your writing is always precise and prompt. It just makes for a better story and more people will be interested. Your story line is already great. You just need some work on the technical things. A LOT of work. You don't want to make your story difficult for the reader to read, so fix your mistakes, and write in the correct manner. Trust me, you will get a lot better!
I look forward to reading more of your story, and I hope I was able to help some. Happy writing!
Alright thanks for the advice
Welcome to YWS! I'm Lucrezia and I'll be reviewing your chapter today.
This is an interesting piece. I really enjoyed it. But I'm going to need to get straight to the nitpicks because they're pretty glaring.
NOT…ENOUGH…PARAGRAPH BREAKS!! Or, actually, no paragraph breaks at all. O_O
But seriously, you have to put in some breaks. It's really hard to read without them. Pretty please??
Okay, let's move on.
I think you should put the "thump thump"s in italics, then a paragraph break, THEN the stuff about the heart rate. But that's just me.
Also, here's the "proper" way this should be written:
"That's the sound of my normal heart rate. Yeah, it beats pretty fast. It's weird how my heart has done that since I was born.
Why am I even thinking about my irregular heartbeat? I really shouldn't. I'm supposed to be paying attention to Mrs. Getton talk about geometry."
See the difference? In particular, note how I spelled "Mrs. Getton." That's how it should look, instead of "Miss's.Getton."
This is a run-on sentence. Put in a few periods and you're good. (Also, check for more run-on sentences when you go to edit; I spotted loads.)
"Your" should be spelled "you're." It means "you are" while "your" just means… well, your. The I in "if" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, "stated" shouldn't start with a capitalized letter.
The F shouldn't be capitalized; "then" should be spelled "than."
"Restroom" is one word.
"To" should be spelled "too." Also, "payed" should be "paid." And "whatsoever" is one word.
Should be spelled "bunnies."
There's even more but I won't point them out, my eyes are too sore from reading something with zero paragraph breaks…
Overall, this is actually a good piece. The ending surprised me, and I think it has a whole lot of potential. JUST ADD PARAGRAPH BREAKS!!
I have to agree with this..
Hey true alpha! Silver here to review your story.
Overall, you seem to have an interesting concept. You had an interesting beginning with the heartbeats an interesting ending with the cliff hanger. I will advise though that you carefully go through and edit your work. Here are some corrections:
Structure:
Your structure is extremely jam packed and difficult to read. This will seriously discourage reader as things can easily get very confusing. Also, every time a new speaker talks you should leave a line so that it is immediately clear who is talking.
Compared to:
Can you see how it's so much clearer who's speaking and how it's much easier to read in general? I also corrected, your grammatical mistakes in that segment which leads me to the next topic:
Grammar:
I seriously suggest that you go over this several times and edit very thoroughly. When you put your work up you want people to see it in it's best form. Just like an artist wouldn't show a half finished painting.
I can't go through and edit everything because there's just to much. I'll just put main points and an accompanying example.
Capital letters: you've missed some critical places where words should be in capital. If you look at the segment I edited you'll see what I mean.
Spelling: Your spelling pretty down pat.. Great job
Punctuation: Sometimes you miss places where you're meant to put full stops and also you tend to put unnecessary commas. Try reading your work out loud. It really helps with the rhythm and flow of a text and how you punctuate.
Sentence structure: There are some sentences that you could have worded better, some examples are:
Might sound better if you wrote it as:
Thump thump thump thump thump thump... That's the sound of my normal heart rate. It beats pretty fast, and has been like this since I've been born.
What am I doing? Why am I even thinking about my irregular heat beat? I really shouldn't. I seriously have to pay attention to Miss Getton's geometry lesson. I'm failing this class as it is, I can't afford to miss this lesson. Sleep seems so much better though.
It sounds much better like this. Just constantly reread and try to think of the best way to word your sentences. On a side note while editing that segment. Never start a sentence with but, because or and. Also, notice how I shortened some of you sentences to give it a better rhythm and a sense of movement.
I know that this has been a horrendously long review and that I might have sounded pretty harsh, but I'm just doing this to help you improve. We always have room to learn and I've received some scathing reviews myself. Sometimes a good idea isn't enough. for a work to be truly enjoyed it has to be of the highest quality that the writer can put forward, meaning fully edited and structurally sound. Sometimes a work that is written well can outshine one with a brilliant idea even though it might be more dry. I sincerely hope that my review has helped and not hindered. I would be happy to do a complete edit of your chapter for you if you like. Please keep writing this because it IS interesting and I want to know what happens to Luke!
Silverlock
oh no you weren't to harsh at all, thank you for the help. I'll try and use what you said in writing the next part. Thanks for the help
Great! Seriously if you want me to do a full edit of your piece don't hesitate to say so!