Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
"Um hello, I don't really know who you are so if you could just introduce your-
"Luke, please don't insult my intelligence by playing dumb" she interrupted
"You know who I am?!" I questioned looking up at her.
"Dude I'm in your English class, your lunch I literally sit about ten feet away from where you eat. Do you ever freaking pay attention man?" She said with a smirk
"Really? oh well I guess not" I said.
"Well then anyway time to get to business. You know what I want to discuss with you, I know Ryan told you about me and what I want from you. So just hear me out" She said raising her hands.
"Okay no, no no no don't even try I'm not joining your little group of anarchist who want to over throw the government" I said plainly
"Were not anarchists! we are just fighting back against the people that have been killing us!" she hissed at me but she made sure that she didn't yell to attract other people.
"Okay yea I understand that your fighting back but you don't need me to fight back" I explained
"Okay no, we need everyone we can get. Everyone is important everyone can fight, why are you being calm about this?!" she continued as she got closer as she got even more agitated.
"Because one: I'm a coward and two: I literally found about this whole crossbreed yesterday and three: I can't just go risking my life fighting the government like it's fairy tale or something I could- no i will die if i even try and join you guys. We may be 'superhuman' but that hasn't stopped them from still killing us" I pleaded.
"This behavior of yours isn't helping at all. You know Luke for months now I've seen you with out contacts and I can only assume this is the first time you've actually had those contacts in. Now then you should know that it's not luck that has kept you alive all these years. It was the group that I'm apart of! we may not be able to keep everyone safe but were still able to save people. Luke they won't listen to reason they won't stop until they kill us all! you have to realize this" She pleaded getting even closer. I back two steps back in response. She was right her group has definitely been keeping me alive all these years. Even though they couldn't my mother alive...
"Look.. I understand your cause and your anger. I know you need as many crossbreeds as you possibly can but I can't help you" I persisted "I'm not that type of person to just join a group of people and fight the government... Like that would to much for me you know. I'm literally failing geometry you know I couldn't handle being apart of a group of super humans fighting against the government that's literally trying to commit genocide you know." I explained with a nervous look on my face hopping she would understand. She looked straight at me with a dishearten looked and sighed.
"Alright fine I understand" she said as she groaned and looked up. I could clearly see she was upset so I just tried to make it better.
"Okay here's the thing: I'll help you as much as I can. If I find any other crossbreeds that have more balls then me I'll be sure to point them your way. But in the mean time I'm just going to be a coward and lay low" I said.
"Alright sounds good, thank you. I should probably go ahead and tell Ryan that I wont be pestering him about this to" she said as she putting her in her pockets
"speaking of Ryan, have you seen him Britney?" I asked
"No, I can't really sniff him out either he moves around to much and he knows how to cover his scent and trail against crossbreeds... namely me" She explained.
"Well... I guess since he's avoiding you I guess you should stay here while I look for him and speaking of tracking... Did you send that rabbit for yesterday after me at the park?" I asked
"Hmm? yea i send him after you, I wanted to make sure where you lived in order to monitor you. But you found about him and gave him to a little girl and how could you just hand over a rabbit to a little girl like that?" she asked crossing her arms in question.
"Okay, I wasn't thinking! I wasn't thinking i was paranoid! okay. When you have rabbit woman following you a person will naturally get rid of any rabbits around okay... and another thing: how the hell did you get that rabbit to follow me? is he yours?" i asked
"Nope, you don't have to personally know the animal from your powers to get them to do orders, just tell them what to do and they'll do it. Their actually naturally attractive to you in general. You can sometimes just snap your fingers and they'll run at to your feet if their near" She explained. I knitted my eyebrows and rolled my eyes.
"Okay that's nice to know. I'm going to go and look for Ryan, wait here please" I said I quickly speed walked away. This whole entire conversation was awkward but at least it's over. I'm sure Ryan will be happy that to know that he wont be bothered by her anymore. After a few minutes of wondering around the school I found Ryan in the first floor of the first building.
"Ryan, hey I just had a talk with-
"Luke! you smell like that fucking rabbit! what happened?! did she talk to you? what did she say to you?!" he asked frantically.
"Would you calm down god dammit. Look, we had a talk she tried to convince me to join they I constantly said no."
"Okay..." he said
"I some how got her to stop bothering you."
"Okay..." he said once again
"and I promised her that if I found another crossbreed that was braver then me I would put them in their direction" I explained. Now with that statement Ryan looked devastated, like I just slapped him in the face.
"Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you fucking do that?! You made a promise they'll keep you on that promise and they won't stop until you for-fill it... And what happens when you don''t huh? " he explained.
"Okay man it sounds like your just over reacting. It's not like they'll kill me if I don't find anyone, she said it's their job to protect crossbreeds and fight the government, I mean harming me is kind of counter productive to their cause" I said. He just responded with an odd face, Ryan then sighed and scratched his messy brown hair.
"I really hope your right" He said. After he said that Britney walked up from behind him.
"So there you are" she said sneaking up behind him with an eerie smile. Ryan jumped up in surprise then quickly ran behind me.
"Why!? Luke you said she would stop bothering me dammit!" Ryan hissed
"my god man, you can detected my scent from literally yards away but when your talking with someone your pretty freaking blind" she said
"Britney please tell him that you or your group won't be hounding us" I asked.
"It's true, you don't need to avoid me I don't plan on asking you to join anymore. Happy?" she asked with her buck teeth smile still plastered on her face.
"Well were still being hunted by the government so no" Ryan said bluntly. I sighed at his answer
"Okay now that this whole thing is over can we just go on with school today and just lay low, like we've been doing" I noted.
"I second that notion" Ryan said still standing behind me. And at that moment the bell rang and then the students came pouring into the halls.
"Agreed. But don't just expect me to just become a stranger" She said as she walked away.
"why does it feel like this day wont get any better. Oh yea Luke you probably want my number don't you?" he asked looking at me
"well... yea i guess" I responded. So we exchanged numbers and went on with our days, we had many random texts about a whole number of subjects, including some about Britney and her organization that shes apart of. He's a weird guy, but he's actually pretty funny and smart. He's actually helping me in geometry. Britney hasn't really been completely quiet with us, she's joined us for lunch several times, Ryan still had her worries about her. With that time moved surprisingly fast, a full blown week past just like that. I was walking home from school, down the same path. As i was walking down it a group of five big burly men were blocking the sidewalk I was walking on. They looked like they had no intention of moving out of my way. The largest man who was bald was looking directly at me with hostile eyes, which was freaking me out a lot actually.
"Um... can I help you sir?" I asked with a worried look
"you should of just said yes to the rabbit you lizard. Now we got to do this the hard way"
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I haven't read any of your other chapters, but I hope this review can still be helpful to you!
I'm not really one to point out grammar mistakes and all that, but I do have something to say before I continue on with my review. The beginning of this doesn't flow very well. It doesn't because there are places where there should be commas that there aren't. There are places where sentences should be broken up into two sentences and they aren't. I'm not going to point them all out because that would take a while and it would really clog up the review. Besides, like I said, it's not my style. If you want me to be specific about where this happens, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to come back and point them out for you.
Your dialogue is quite specific. And that's a good thing. What I mean by that is, when I read it I know exactly who's talking. I can see everyone's personality coming through in their words. It's great to have dialogue like that. Dialogue is fun and exciting when the reader can really hear the character saying it. I have only read this chapter and I already know how each character is. I'm impressed that you're able to do that in just a single part of your novel.
One thing I notice as I read through this chapter is that you use a lot of pronouns. He, she, his, hers. That's great, but at the same time can be a bit confusing. I want some names too. Who exactly is this he? Who exactly is this she? It's easy to figure out really, but it would be easier for us if we read some names here and there.
Your title is very interesting. I don't know why I didn't mention that at the beginning of the review, but mentioning it later than sooner is still good too. Titles really intrigue me. They always make me think, wonder exactly what they mean and how it's going to come into play in the novel. As for this chapter, I don't see anything that relates to the title so I'm still left wondering about it. Titles are just another dimension, if you will, of a novel. Yours is pretty awesome
There seems to be a lot of dialogue in this chapter. However, for all I know, this could be the only chapter like this. Maybe your other chapters have much less dialogue and more description and storytelling, as I like to call it. But be careful that your entire novel doesn't consist of mainly dialogue. It can be hard to find the balance sometimes. I know that's something I struggled with often when I was starting out. To be honest, I still struggle with it at times. It's just something you have to practice. You're such a good writer and I know that you can add in some killer descriptions and great parts of the story that doesn't involve dialogue.
Overall, this is a good chapter. I got a good idea of what kind of novel this is just from reading this one part. I have to say, I'm intrigued. Maybe I'll check out the other chapters sometimes soon
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Woah.. lots of grammar mistakes.. I've seen that you have been putting sentences with no capitalization, I've also seen you not even putting commas where they are supposed to be put and even periods. It has much potential, but I suggest you review it a couple of times, and read it over. It seems very, very rushed.
Lesson 1: Using Capitalization
You always must use capitalization every time you start a sentence. Or else, it would be grammatically incorrect.
wrong: he decided to take a walk on the crisp fresh morning.
right: He decided to take a walk on the crisp, fresh morning.
Lesson 2: Using Commas
◾Use a comma before any coordinating conjunction (and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet) that links two independent clauses. ...
◾Use a comma after a dependent clause that starts a sentence. ...
◾Use commas to offset appositives from the rest of the sentence. ...
◾Use commas to separate items in a series.
wrong: May loves many colors for example: azure violet and maroon.
right: May loves many colors, for example: azure, violet, and maroon.
Lesson 3: Flow
Flow is very imperative. Anything that interrupts the flow should either be deleted or revised somehow. If you don't have it, it makes your story very choppy and awkward, which looses interest in your readers. You can also connect two sentences to make the flow nice and smooth.
wrong: She licked at the popsicle in delight. It was very tasty.
right: She licked at the popsicle in delight; it was very tasty.
Description
Description is very important, it helps the reader picture the scene in the story you are trying to describe. Some words should not be used, as they are a horrible word choice.
Avoid these words: fun, good, yummy, stuff, things, cool, great
wrong: It was a creature.
right: It was a hunched, pitch black creature that was slavering at the mouth; approaching closer, snarling and whipping it's razor sharp claws inches from my face.
Put a comma after "okay man" and close the gap between "over reacting" and try to use better word choice for said. And, how can somebody respond with an "odd face", revise?
Correction: "Okay, man it sounds like your just overreacting. It's not like they'll kill me if I don't find anyone, she said it's their job to protect crossbreeds and fight the government. Harming me is kind of a counter productive to their cause," I sighed. He just stared at me with an odd look on his face. Ryan than sighed and scratched his messy brown hair.
http://www.ltl.appstate.edu/reading_res ... ctives.htm (adjective list)
http://www.wikihow.com/Improve-Your-Grammar