Why can’t you see that you are indispensable to me?
Why most you cry and want to live in the sky?
The amount of your tears is equal to that of an ocean and shall only end with devotion.
This that you have is called depression can end with something called medication.
You shiver like a person with a quiver.
You take away what was important to me and go to god’s house in the sky.
Why oh why did you choose to die?
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
At the moment, I'm not feeling your pain, which is what you want me to feel. All I get is a silly rhyme scheme, cliches, and rhetorical questions, all of which detract from the serious subject matter. If you're going to tackle this subject, try a more unique approach. Use imagery to show what this person meant to you and what exactly happened to them. If you've heard it somewhere before, don't use it. And please, please, please don't rhyme. It doesn't fit the subject matter at all.
If you give us some more interesting details, you could do something good with this. Keep writing!
Hmm, this was just OK for me. I kinda agreed with October Girl; the rhyme was just forced and unusual for me. Also, if this poem is about depression, try letting the reader get that feeling while reading this. I'm sure with some improvement, this poem will be better.
Good luck!
Hmm, so different. I like it, but I think you need to add on a bit more.... I think you kind of forced the ryme, not a good thing..... just let things flow don't force or else it shoulds like something you just smashed together. But then again that's just me....