Our love
was a collision.
*
Two pieces of stardust
in this vast universe
following an accidental path
straight into each other.
*
Then, all time froze
Our scattered debris;
su spend ed.
*
We were never meant to love.
Not each other.
We were an accident.
Just a wreck in suspension.
*
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heya, Sky! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! So, let's take flight, shall we?
First thing I have to say- hold the phone. Imagery outwaying the narration., metaphors instead of exact statements, white space playing around.. Have you gained a new level? You're making this job harder, Sky, and i love it. But with every good piece, comes its flaws. Let's get to it.
One of the main problems I have with this piece is flow. I think that's something you could really work on, especially towards the end. I would cut the hard stops and replace with commas if needed, but overall I think you could use just some playing around to get this where you want it to be. The beginning is okay, but this isn't prose, it doesn't have to be perfect grammar and punctuation to be good. Actually, it does better if you do not have perfect grammar and punctuation if that is what the poem actually needs, but it's up to you. This is sstrictly preference and to each their own, up to you. Anyway, onward.
The next thing would be every line is capitalized, and that was something that bugged me a bit because I feel like this would be better if it was mellowed out,which is what the tone of having nothing capitalized would give you, so I suggest you play around with that and see where that takes you.
I think you did your white space well, so props for that.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, GooseLuck.
This was a really creative poem, and I liked the idea of taking the term 'star-crossed lovers' literally. The poem is so short, but that leaves a lot to the imagination, which was probably what you were going for. One thing I would change or take another look at is the last line of the second stanza. The whole poem is dramatic with words like collided, suspension, and scattered. Saying that the two people flew straight into each other seems to stick out.
That's just my opinion, though.
I really liked the poem, and would like to read more of your writing!
'Ello, it's cello. This is a beautiful poem!
I'm not good with introductions so I'll go straight into edits.
First I'd like to talk about formatting. I love seeing poets play with the formatting of their poems and I thought I'd throw in a few suggestions of things I've found from personal experience. Looking to the second stanza, I'd suggest considering putting it to the right or maybe in a set of parenthesis. It feels like a more distant comment, looking back on the past, so distancing it from the other text in some way might be nice. For the third stanza, you might want to find a way to bring even more emphasis to the word 'suspended'. It's out there on it's own, stuck in place. You could look into pushed the second line more towards the left or centering 'suspended' even more'. When on the topic of that word, I'd also like to suggest that while playing with it's location could be fun, it might also be good to tone down the appearance of it. I like the idea of separating out the syllables but the italics made me do a double take. (I can't speak for all readers, but if I did it, I'm sure at least one other person did too) I saw letters that didn't form complete words and that were italicized and my brain jumped to 'they must be in another language'. Typically, when writing in english, authors use italics to make language shifts clear, and when a reader sees italics and letters that don't already seem to form words then there's a change they'll skip over the phrase with plans to google it later.
I like the formatting of the first and the last stanza as they are. While I understand that formatting it often based on personal interpretation and opinion I thought I'd give my two cents anyway.
I likes this stanza but the third line was causing some problems for me. 'following an accidental path' almost feels like an oxymoron. They're following a path that wasn't meant to be a path? How can they follow it then? I understand what you're trying to say but it doesn't sit comfortably. I don't have any word for word suggestions on how to change this but a few ideas that might work in it's place.
-describe the stardust as following something that flows and changes like some sort of breeze (though that isn't really space themed) or maybe the tails of comets
-use words like 'drifting' or 'aimlessly' to make the coincidence of it all more clear
-talk about having the stardust move without purpose (you could even tie this into how colliding brought purpose)
I love these lines but I think they'd do better with some different punctuation. I understand that you're trying to make them bold and strong with each word, prompting the lines to all end in periods, but I think that the third and first line would do good with a comma. The periods on the second and fourth already add plenty of strength to the stanza and the addition of the comments would ties the lines together very well.
I really enjoyed this poem and I hope to see more from you soon.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello blue! (well, blue's the color of my sky
)
Mm okay, so I love it when poetry compared things to space. Way cool. So the first two stanzas are good- just a touch of imagery, nice comparison. Then, we have your third and fourth. (Honestly, I think it could be a bit longer! I'll mention later what else you could include.)
Okay, I like the formatting, it's great, but I feel like the stanza is out of place a bit. Your whole theme is colliding, and how love is like a collision. The "scattered debris" indicates that the collision took place and is completely over with! You set it up very nicely, only to skip the entire collision. I think you could mention the collision itself in a separate stanza of two between the second and third stanzas- is there fusion? Maybe it seems like it was meant to be until everything breaks apart? Whatever you want to say about love and collisions, say it here~ I feel like it's something that has lots of emotion behind it, and you should let that emotion come through more (with a bit of imagery too
[quore] We were never meant to love.
Not each other.
We were an accident.
Just a wreck in suspension. [/quote]
I'm not so sure you should repeat suspension when you already have suspended. Also, this stanza doesn't entirely fit with the metaphor. In the vastness of space, there's probably a really small chance of these two "pieces of stardust" getting together, so it would seem very much not like an accident. Maybe you could say that, and then something like, "The way things turned out, you'd think we were." but more poetic.
Anyway, I like what you have so far, especially the first part! I hope you can focus more on the collision and the metaphor you're creating and put a bit more imagery in there! <3
Good luck and have a nice day.
-Falco