Young Writers Society

I liked this poem. Very nice. This really related to me. Because, I have been diagnosed with anxiety. Usually I don't like to admit it. It makes me feel like I'm different or something, or that there's something wrong with me. I'm always worried about what everyone is thinking, and I still do. I hope that I can get over it eventually, but it will take a long time. So, this poem really meant a lot to me. The video was good as well. He really talked about some valid points that I personally need to consider. I need to talk about it, like he said. As always, keep writing.

Honest Review:
I liked this poem and the message it intends to spread but I have my criticisms of the method. I will start with some likes though. The message itself is good, not concise but not too broad either. I like the very literal and almost visceral descriptions of the mental illnesses as individual and distinguishable afflictions. My chief concern with the good will of this poem is that the message may be lost on people. People with mental illnesses are hard to spot, which you got right, but also nearly impossible to spot for themselves as well. I would be willing to wager the majority of undiagnosed and thus not-helped people with mental illnesses would read this poem without ever knowing it was about them. The poem's execution was great and it makes for a good read and leaves me thinking. Once more I love the poem and know it has it's heart in the right place but I feel it may be noneffective at raising awareness for mental illness.

The only other thing I do not like so much is how you wrote it with yourself in mind, telling other people what they can and cannot see and then telling other people you can see the unseen. It would be more relate-able and effective if avoided mentioning yourself or the reader. Overall nice poem, very well written. Keep it up I hope to see more from you.

Has any one watched the video at the bottom? I would like some feedback if it's relevant or if it should be removed. Thanks for all the amazing reviews!
With love
-thecolorofthesky

You have a nice piece here. The anchor metaphor is my favorite part. It really showcases your knack for roping in the reader with figurative language. Nothing you write is too fancy, but that's good--simplicity is effective when you're trying to communicate a direct message. You're writing about mental illness here, and you speak out for the unseen. I think that's a powerful message, and one that needs to be heard. To those both unseen and those that're blind to their suffering.

Your second to last stanza has potential, and would be a strong addition to the piece if it weren't for the awkward structure. I don't really know what you're trying to say there. It may be because of comma splicing. I would reword the stanza something like this:

They can't be seen:
Those who live out of proportion, resembling creatures of fiction;
those who're built from written words.
You especially don't see
the ones who merely exist.

I really love the subject of this poem, I think your choice of words is beautiful! the only advice I have to give involves "technicality", I agree with Yams, you have to remember commas. Of course, you're the poet...you know when to pause, but I think you have to keep in mind how to make your writing comfortable for the reader (or knowingly uncomfortable).

Aside from that, I wouldn't change anything involving the actual poem. It was beautiful, you painted a picture for me, showing me what you wanted. I saw the unseen.

Lovely work, thanks for the awesome poem!

This is Yams here for a review!

I see humans,

but no evidence of humanity.

Do you see the skulls lining the streets?

No.

Of course you don’t.

You wouldn’t.

No one ever does.

You’ll never see people like me,

who walk around

with an anchor tied across their body,

strangling them each time they breath,

or the people battling the ominous black beast,

clinging to their shoulders,

sinking its claws deeper with your every thought.

They are all invisible to you.

You can’t watch the singing ghosts,

who trail behind those select few.

It can’t be seen,

those who live out of proportion,

resembling a creature of fiction.

Or the person who is built of paper and pen marks

You especially won’t see

the ones who merely exist.