Young Writers Society

Heya, TheColoroftheSky! Your favorite reviewer Casanova here to review again! AGAIN I SAY. I can't count how many I've done tonight.. But it's refreshing. Anyway- you know how this works. The good, the great, the amazing. Then the bad, the worst, the terrible.
First off- this poem wasn't as good as some of your other poems. I mean the imagery was there, but I felt as if this poem fell on cold, deaf ears(get it? Haha) I had to include a pun for this one- dun judge me. I'm weird at the moment- I've had three cups of coffee.
Anyway- to continue!
I felt as if the imagery was okay, definitely not like other things you've written.
Examples:
"Iced words fell off my tongue.

In sturdy cubes they sunk."

"My tongue rests in its prison,

icy, but refreshed."
Here it says that Iced words fall off of the tongue, and sink in cubes.
But in the latter verse it says the tongue is refreshed. I felt as if these two meant different things and really didn't go together in the poem. But, hey, that could just be the way I'm taking it and I could be completely wrong about that.

"Shaking, she swirled

the shimmering black liquid."

What exactly is the,"Black liquid," here? What's it mean? Lies? False truths? What?

"Her bright amber eyes drank the words,

before her ears could register."
Here it says,"words," instead of,"black liquid," which I felt disrupted the flow a bit. Well, a lot. It felt as if I was reading someone trying to be different- but ended with the same result. I think if you switched one of these to the other it would work much better.



"
The ice melting

in the black liquid love."
Here you are- using the,"black liquid," again, instead of just,"words." Why the difference? Why repeat it once and not another time? It really bugs me and throws off the flow.

Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing. "Repetition impresses facts upon dull minds." I'm sure I don't have to tell you what I'm talking about on this one~
Keep on keeping on.
Your friend- Matthew Casanova Aaron.

Hey there thecolorofthesky. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I'm coming out of a long break from reviewing so my apologies in advance if I begin to ramble.

First, I know you are using a lot of metaphors and comparisons here. That much is obvious to me but I think there is something else you should know. I actually found two ways to interpret your poem just because of my weird chain of thought.

Two, I'm not sure if it would be better to separate the lines or leave them in their current format. At the moment their arrangement seems awkward once I read it through a couple of times. If you were trying to arrange the lines for a certain count per line, that's understandable.
I think my opinion mostly comes from the part of poetry where I don't want it to be rushed. I want to read each emotion and have time to process it, rather than being rushed on to the next line. That's how it feels when you put two sentences on the same line.

Three, the wording in a couple of spots bothered me but this was the only one I had to keep re-reading to understand.

She grasped the cold mug,

condensation from it

made her palm slippery.

...
her palm slippery,
from the condensation

Shaking, she swirled

the shimmering black liquid.

Rings formed around the mug,

like halos tainted by the devil.

Wow! I love the metaphors in this fantastic poem! You refer to speech being a kind of liquid and I love it. The cliff hanger about what she saw in your face. I was the person who narrated it.
With metaphor poems like this it can some times be easily to repeat your self but you did not and the poem flowed really well. I could not falt it. Thanks and NEVER STOP WRITING!!!