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E - Everyone

Just throwing away some cluttering thoughts.

by thePoeToaster43


I'm told I am strong,

when I force a smile and ignore the pain,

by someone who has never shook the hand of death.

I am told I am selfish,

when I say I don't want to keep fighting,

by someone who's never had depression peek into their mind.

I am told I will be missed,

when I mention my thoughts of leaving,

by somebody with similar scars as mine.

I am told I am loved,

when I say I don't think I have a purpose,

by somebody who once believed love would never find them.

I was told they were proud of me,

when I confronted the demons within my mind,

by somebody who left me in the shadows.

I am told that I'm just weak and it will pass,

when I described everything shattering around me,

by somebody paid to figure out why I was falling apart.

I figure now that the answer is clear,

and I just never noticed it before.

The ones that are supposed to help,

that have never truly hurt,

are the ones that make the lights dimmer.

The ones that felt you in the dark,

because they too search for the light,

are the ones that keep you from falling further.

Because the ones that are supposed to help are more concerned with making themselves feel good, when they tell you it's selfish, you're weak, or that you just need to pretend you're fine and eventually it'll be better.

And the ones that are falling apart just like you, simply understand.


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Sat Oct 07, 2017 6:49 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi, I saw in your author's note you didn't want in depth word critiques so I'm just going to leave a few thoughts for my review and if you want feedback on something that I miss feel free to ask. :)

Emotional Connection
So you do a great job plugging into a focused emotion from this piece. Sometimes people write poetry about sadness (or happiness) and think "Okay, it's sad, it doesn't need focus" and then write like I'm sad about X, I'm sad about Y but never connect X & Y. In your poem though, I can see the logical progression, and it's clear how the different ideas interact around a central point. I would say the repetition of the line beginnings in the piece helped streamline it as well.

Theme
I took the central meaning to be that the speaker is tired of people trying to solve problems the speaker has when there's no way they themselves can understand what they're going through. They want the speaker to "cheer up, it's not so bad" without knowing that the speaker is putting on a strong front and slipping further into depression. Meanwhile the only people who can understand are the people who are also falling apart. The message I think can relate to a lot of people, even if they haven't experienced depression themselves, the feeling of "you just don't get it" can reach out to a lot of people.

Figurative Language and Narrative Progression
I enjoyed the multiple metaphors you used especially near the beginning "shook the hand of death" and "everything shattering". I will say I think the order of some of the statements could be improved. For instance in a poem like this you want it to kind of build up to the most serious statements. Some of the ones in the middle seemed less serious than the ones at the very beginning, so if they could be arranged in a clearer hierarchy or transition I think it would heighten the drama of the piece.

Flow
One last critique is that the flow was lacking in some parts of the poem. The most direct way to improve that for this or for future poems is to really pay attention to line length consistency -- it makes a world of difference to make sure all of your lines are around the same length. Other than that, if you go through and kind of look for words that are filler or extra that can be a good way to eliminate some of the wordiness that gets into early poem drafts.

Final Thoughts
Overall, this was an enjoyable piece to read that had clear emotional pull. Thank you for sharing your poem, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

~alliyah




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Wed Oct 04, 2017 6:10 pm
DeerInBacPac says...



This speaks to me on so many levels! I love the wording as well, it explains situations like this quite well.






Thank you



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Wed Oct 04, 2017 4:10 pm
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BeTheChange wrote a review...



...wow.

I really like this. I can't say I understand your exact situation--I've never had depression. But I have severe anxiety, and on some level, I've felt this way too.

The grammar had a few problems. At one point, you use "one's" when you mean "ones". Also, I think the third and second lines of each stanza are a little awkward; if you switched them around, it might help.

But I can't truly criticize such a personal piece, beyond the superficial details I already mentioned.






Thank you for pointing out the "one's", I hadn't noticed it. I corrected it. Thank you, also, for your review.



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Wed Oct 04, 2017 3:18 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello thePoeToaster! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
I'm told I am strong,

when I force a smile and ignore the pain,

by someone who has never shook the hand of death.

{Add a "--" here to separate the stanzas}

I am told I am selfish,

when I say I don't want to keep fighting, {To change the flow, I would recommend saying "I don't want to fight" instead of "keep fighting"}

by someone who {has} never had depression peek into their mind.

{--}

I am told I will be missed,

when I mention my thoughts of leaving,

by somebody with similar scars as mine. {Like me}

{--}

I am told I am loved,

when I say I don't think I have a purpose,

by somebody who once believed love would never find them.

{--}

I was told they were proud of me, {WAS?!}

when I confronted the demons within my mind,

by somebody who left me in the shadows.

{--}

I am told that I'm just weak and it will pass, {oh}

when I described everything shattering around me,

by somebody paid to figure out why I was falling apart.

{--}

I figure now that the answer is clear,

and I just never noticed it before.

The ones that are supposed to help {-} that have never truly hurt {-}

are the one's that make the lights dimmer.

{--}

The ones that felt you in the dark,

because they too search for the light,

are the ones that keep you from falling further.

{--}

Because the ones that are supposed to help are more concerned with making themselves feel good, when they tell you it's selfish, you're weak, or that you just need to pretend you're fine and eventually it'll be better. {Separate this, since this isn't an actual line}

And the ones that are falling apart just like you, simply understand.


Overall, this is pretty good. I understand what you're going through - read 'dear you' and you'll see - so this poem makes complete sense. Thank you for sharing this. Great job.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko