What would I do without you?

thanks lexi!(:

Your revised rhyming is a bit better. I, however, as it appears you do, perfer to write poetry without rhymes. I feel they portray the message just as weel. You seem to be a very talented poet. You have very good means of feeling. It is easliy understood and straightforward. I love it.

-Lexi

thanks guys! And yes, i do agree that the rhyming is a bit, shall we say, awful. I don't usually rhyme in my poetry, but I though I'd try it for once. I'll go back to revise it. Thanks for the help!

Hello sunxkissedxme,

I hate to repeat what the other to said but yes it is true, your rhyming could be improved. There were bits that worked and bits that just didn't. Perhaps you could use a rhyming dictionary or just change the lines that require rhyming completely anything to improve the two verses that just didn't work.

Anyway I loved this poem despite the nitty picky rhyming. I thought the message was really good and I can relate to what you are saying in your poem a lot. The message is clear and leaves the reader without doubt. It is realistically sad the truth in this because of the way matters like these seem to work.

My favorite stanza was definitely this one here because i can relate to it and it is a very nice opening to the story that makes the reader want to read on. It was also in my opinion the one that best used rhyming as a language feature and that was the nit pick with your poem and I think this shows of your ability to use rhyming in your favor. Anyway here it is,

You're the one I always go to,
when I need to cry.
The one I call to laugh with,
even when I want to die.

Your hands are the only ones I want,
to hold me when I'm torn.

Contrary to what Ignatius said, the rhyme scheme was hardly poor. But he is right, it could be improved.

The first stanza is good, nothing to say here.

The second stanza could have an improved rhyme scheme, as Ignatius mentioned. Although 'warmth' and 'torn' are assonance rhymes, they do not sit too well with the syllabic rhyme of the rest of the piece. Maybe try rhyming 'torn' with 'mourn', 'worn', 'warn', or 'forlorn'? Also, the second line has too many syllables. When read aloud it seems like you have to cram too many words to make it fit. Perhaps exchange 'comfort' for a single-syllable word?

The last line of the third stanza is a bit odd I think. You've talked for two and a half stanzas about emotional support, and then this one line about physical attractiveness. I would ditch this line, and finish the thought about emotional support. Then I would write one or two stanzas devoted to praising the physical attractiveness of the subject. Also, perhaps a change 'tear streaked' to 'tear-streaked'? I just think it would help the flow.

The fourth stanza is also good. Two little changes though. First, maybe you should put the first line inside inverted commas. As it is a spoken question and therefore dialogue, it should be treated as such. Second, I do not like the repetition of 'now' in the third line. The rhythm is fine, it just sounds a little odd.

I hope this helps,
K

The idea behind the poem was great, but you tried to input a rhyme scheme and... well, failed.

You're the one I always go to,
when I need to cry.
The one I call to laugh with,
even when I want to die.
These rhyme

Your arms are the ones I run to,
when I need comfort and warmth.
Your hands are the only ones I want,
to hold me when I'm torn.
I can't really see a slant rhyme here

You're the one I want to love me,
to caress my tear streaked face.
The one I want to hold me,
Your body one of grace.
These rhyme

What would I do without you?
I ask time and time again.
Well now I know, now that you're gone.
Never to return again.
You can't rhyme the same words.