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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Hey Sunx! Just dropping by for a Quick Critique on your piece, The Lucky Ones.
(Traditionally) / 
(Modern-wise)
CONTENT & THEME:
I really like the broad idea you installed in such a short piece here. You emphasized your thoughts on how the world has greatly changed, specifically looking, for the bad. A common subject, yes, but it never fails to give a new perspective to readers.
TONE & EMOTION:
I love it! Your choice of words were simple but playful, dancing between pity and anger; the emotion can be felt there! Although, it would be nicer to give transitions, too, especially in parts wherein pity replaces the anger. Make malady at the best!
FLOW:
The piece is a bit messed up for me in terms of the flow. I didn't see any kind of progression (or de-progression) in the whole piece. See, it would be nice to find some kind of movement in the piece, not just citing. Modern poetry-wise, the flow is actually fine, but my last comment was on the traditional poem kind
IMAGERY:
As I've said, the choice of words were perfect to establish the fitting tone to the piece, but, as a poem, the verses didn't stand out much in terms of coherence to create a more concrete image to readers. Yes, you did use words which all go to the theme, but some are too static to build up color. Remember, this is a poem, so express freer! Don't limit yourself to a stagnant flow (too much narration without any formation on coherence), rather, try to make use of figurative language and poetic conventions to spice up the piece, giving us a better show.
GRAMMAR & STYLE:
No prob about the grammar that much, this is a poem after all. But like I've said a few sentences ago, a certain style you've included to your total technique went too straight for a proper image-making flow effectively work. For example:
Said out loud, it's the best, but that's a bit of the prob since this is not a prose-type poem. Better, play with verses: cut them into pieces which are distinct in feel but coherent in imagery. Also, part of grammar, try to keep tenses consistent.
Also on the last stanza:
It seemed, for me, to lack a bit of meat. Pack it more! It's the ending, see, so it needs to give readers something to remember. Also, the very last verse is a bit on the dead side. Liven it up!
THE VERDICT:
A wonderful piece! I love the sense of it, the emotion, the protest it exhibits. What it lacks is more spice, some things which will not only interest readers but also make them understand your side more.
Good luck writing! Keep it up
Your Quick Critic,
Al
Hey there sunxkissedxme!
I'm here to review. So here it goes.
First off, I really liked this. I was realistic and blunt, and showed your true views on modern society.
In the last stanza,
"What happened to us?
We are the lucky ones,
But no one sees."
Personally, I would consider putting "it" at the end, just to make it flow better. Just a suggestion.
I liked the way you were so straightforward with your tone, but maybe add some more details to make the poem fit together and flow better.
i have to say my favorite stanza was
"We are no longer golden,
our hearts and minds corrupted.
As we progress into the future,
modernizing and moving forward,
we lose much of what we were."
It just stood out powerfully to me.
Overall, good job, and keep writing!
~Cat