I soar up, legs outstretched,
wind whipping thorugh my body.
I plummet down, legs tucked,
paralyzed with fear and anticipation.
I close my eyes,
and feel the breeze.
Its cold caress on my face,
sends excited shivers down my spine.
I'm Alice,
tumbling down the rabbit hole.
A bird,
navigating recklessly through the sky.
I come close to floating away,
but then you anchor me down,
with all of your love for me,
and your warm hand envelopes mine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Please tell me what you think!
thanks Ignatius5453, I tohught it seemed a bit off, but it was something I felt like I wanted to add, I'll try to get it to flow better.
Good punctuation and capitalization, and the whole poem was bloody brilliant. My favorite part was:
But then I continues reading, it went smoothly until the third stanza: then you changed your style and threw me off. It didn't match the other parts of the poem. Fix that stanza and you'll have a great poem. Keep Writing!
thanks guys! I'll work on it! I seem to be better at putting emotion in sadder/darker potery for some reason. Oh well
Hello
I have to agree with Faery007 there, this poem is kind of lacking in emotions, you told us this happened and this happened and so on. I'd like to see you tell us more about emotions though, what did the narrator feel when these things happened? Emotions make the poem a whole lot more interesting and meaningful. They also help us as readers to connect with the narrator. Having emotions in there also make the narrator sound less stoic and emotion-less.
The lack of emotion is really obvious and made a huge impact in the first paragraph. There's no interest or hook in the first paragraph, you tell us you soar up on a swing and go back down, there's little significance in that if you don't include some sort of emotion.
I did like the idea behind this poem though, with the swing and how the narrator nearly floats away, I think that's really clever and kind of abstract.
You have a really nice metaphor happening in the third stanza, which is good.
Overall, I think that this poem could definitely be improved if a little bit emotion is put in it. Especially in the first paragraph, because you want to keep the reader's interest. That's all.
Hiya,
I thought this was good. It was a very good first attempt at happy poetry!
The only thing I would say that needs work is your emotive side. It is more the story then a poem without emotive language. Try to express some feelings in the poem, try to touch the readers heart and make the reader feel what you feel. It's not easy writing touchy reely happy poems, and I know myself it's easier to write a more depressing poem..we're all depressed and lonely! LOL
You dont need an apostrophe here, if you're saying that the cold is caressing (not sure on the spelling!) your face.
I love these lines, but maybe it would sound better as:
I am Alice,
tumbling down the rabbit hole,
A bird,
navigating through the sky
I'm not sure, just a suggestion
Sorry for the lame review, but overall I liked the idea of the poem and it has lots of potential, keep writing for sure!
HAYLEY
xx