I walk through the abandoned streets of a sleeping city,
it's dark grime coating me, and seeping through my skin.
I walk through the storm of others tears,
Clouds of their loss and loneliness are a heavy burden on my shoulders.
I walk alone.
I walk through the gray, the deserted and old.
The ghosts of the dead call to me,
their cold fingers reaching, brushing my body.
The gravetones of the dead are my only company.
I walk alone.
My shadow mocks me, the only one who knows me.
No one knows where to find me, I'm locked in.
I'm trapped in my mind forever, surrounded only by doctors.
Everday I wish someone would find me, I'm trapped behind bars.
I walk alone.
They're chasing me.
I've escaped, but not for long.
I'm waiting for my arrest.
Please turn me in, end me now.
I have nobody, I'm the burden of my own existance.
I walk alone.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
thanks, and I actaully hadn't thought about the greenday similarities, but you're right. I'm glad you liked it!(:
This is awesome! Reminds me of Green Day- Boulevard of Broken Dreams *fangirl sceams* Okay, calm down now, Mikko.
xD I like the rhythm anf flow of each different stanza and the tone of the narrator: very cold, lonely and slightly eerie added together to make such a pleasant poem. Just like Cat said, your use of metaphors was great. I didn't see much fault in this so well done!
Keep writing
thanks(: I have more work similar to this in my portfolio if you'd like to take a look.
I really do like this. The imagery is beautiful and the way you cast your subject matter is haunting. I also like the way you repeat the title phrase, it gives the piece a sense of drab inevitability that helps to communicate your point.
Structurally, each stanza seems like it's built around an extended metaphor:
Stanza 1 - walking through an abandoned city
Stanza 2 - the ghosts
Stanza 3 - (this one wasn't as well defined)
Stanza 4 - waiting for an arrest
I feel like you could strengthen the piece by strengthening each of these extended metaphors. It might look something like this:
Stanza 1 - just as you have it
Stanza 2 - keep it similar, but add something that literally indicates walking through a graveyard
Stanza 3 - this is the part you'd change the most I think, and you might think about doing so by playing off the line "I'm trapped in my mind forever" and giving this stanza an extended metaphor of an insane asylum
Stanza 4 - keep it similar, but change the first line to bring the whole stanza into line with the metaphor
Take or leave my structural suggestions, I just think that emphasizing your current structure will improve your piece. On the whole, however, I really enjoyed reading it. You do a good job of capturing the mood. I hope to read more from you.