The world said I could live this life all alone.
The world said I could be a god on my own.
The world took my life and destroyed it with sin,
And I didn't know I was dying within.
-
The devil had clouded my mind with his lies,
And he had me running to win the wrong prize.
His words of deception had led me astray,
And brought me to death as I went the wrong way.
-
The water of evil just made me feel dry.
I was never contented though how hard I tried.
My life was in ruins as I was misled.
Though I was still breathing I knew I was dead.
-
Then I met Someone named Jesus Christ
Who changed my life and opened my eyes.
He healed my soul and made me whole.
He gave me a sanctified heart.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Upon reading this song, I immediately heart a particular rhythm in my head. I kept nodding my head along, and everything had this certain flow about it. For some reason, in my head, it was sort of sounding like maybe a song Seether would sing, until maybe the end haha. I don't even listen to Seether, so I don't really know why that's my reference, but I digress. All in all, I loved the song. I'm not a particularly "religious" person, but the lyrics were so well thought out and executed gracefully.
Great job!
Fellow Baptist Christian here! Thank you for posting this! I'm glad you dared to bring up religion in this piece, because usually people tend to stray away from that. If that's true. I'm not sure, but oh well.
I didn't notice any typos or grammatical mistakes in this. The last stanza did not exactly rhyme - which is what made it unique. I like how you added that twist in. Personally, I could give less of a shiiiii-rrrt about "forced rhyming" and "better use of words". This is your work. Your molded creation. And I thoroughly appreciated it.
Enough with my apparent rambling. Wow. This is inspirational because a message from God is always something I like to see. Though I may be turning 15 soon, I can guarantee you that God specifically had me read this. Congratulations. Job well done.
Have a wonderful night!
~ Freak
That is a very good summation of what I, and I believe you, believe in. That without Christ, we are following empty promises that will lead us nowhere but to destruction. But when we receive Jesus we are made new and whole again, never having to worry about everything we used to. Your word choices really capture a realistic view of someone who has started off full of promises from the devil, then slowly realizes they were all false, and finally meets Jesus, and is given a new heart. Very very good, and keep up the good work.
Your in Christ,
Trevor.
Heyo
So the structure of this piece is very interesting. When you read the first lines, it looks as though you are going to follow quite a neat, repetitive structure:
'The world said I could live this life all alone.
The world said I could be a god on my own.' With this repetition of "the world", but you don't which is interesting. I do this in my poetry sometimes and it often gets heavily criticised, but I like that you have your own rhythm and structure here.
As for the content of the work itself - it is again interesting. I am trying to work out, what exactly you mean by the phrase:
'sanctified heart' - whether this is a massive metaphor, or whether you mean it literally. Either way, still an awesome work. Well done.
Hey....I absolutely love this piece! I think it's beautiful. I love the way it rhymes. There are no major nit- picks that I have. Only that while the rest of the poem rhymes, the last lines don't (whole and heart). They stick out as oddity. Other than that, I love it. My favourite lines would be "The devil had clouded my mind with his lies, And he had me running to win the wrong prize". I love these lines.
All- in- all, great work. Keep writing!
Hi! there steward
..
Good job
Wow. This was smoothly written. It started with the negatives but ended on a positive tone. I really like this piece. It can be read as a poem and it can be sang beautifully
> Cha
Wow, this is quite a deep poem! I've never really been a religious person, but I still really enjoyed reading this. The rhythm was breathtakingly beautiful, and the rhyme scheme was superb. You don't see many poems on this site with that kind of flow. They usually end up being a little clunky. However, I do have a few little nitpicks.
I'm not sure that 'though' is the right word to use here. 'No matter' would work better, but it would also disrupt the rhythm, so maybe 'through' would be better. And if you use 'through', then you should replace the word 'try' with 'tried' to make it grammatically correct.
'Who' doesn't need to be capitalized here. Also, 'change' should be 'changed'. I think that you could take out the word 'up' to make it flow more smoothly. But none of that's a big deal, it can be easily fixed.
The last line seems a little abrupt, like it's changing the whole rhythm. Perhaps you could follow up with another line so that it doesn't cut off like that?
I really enjoyed reading this. Not only is it astoundingly true, but it's also put into a poem beautifully. That's not easy to pull off, and so I applaud you. I can't stress enough how much I love this poem.
Keep up the great work!