Young Writers Society

As a teenage girl who struggles with Bipolar Disorder, self harm, major depression, suicidal thoughts (and a few more unfortunately) this is beautiful. Inspiring. I couldn't stop. I re-read it. And again. Something for hope because tonight has been one hel- *excuse me* heck of a night and I just feel like the revolver should be in my hands, or the razors in my dressers, or the big knives in the kitchen. Are you also a girl? I, sadly, couldn't tell from your profile (yes I like hearing about the lives of other writers).

I'm sorry if you've ever dealt with this or horrible things happen to you. But you have to stay strong. Remember that there are ALWAYS people who don't want you to end your life, who couldn't handle the loss. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are one heck of a unique person in modern crumbling society. I feel like the biggest hypocrite for saying this, as in if this were me reading this from someone else, I wouldn't believe it.

As I can see the moon tonight, full in the sky with the deep blue setting in, cars driving by occasionally, I thank you for posting this. Thank you, so much. It's not everyday that I see something about suicidal issues (which society basically doesn't care about). This is beautiful.

Don't you ever go taking your life. Or else I will find you, re-animate you, kill you again, and shake you like mad. You hear me? You are an amazing young writer and friend and person and human bean and you do NOT deserve to suffer.

Stay strong. Forever. I know it's hard, but you've got to make it through this.

*slams follow button*

~ Freak

Hey Steward! I'm Nike, here to review. So I read your story and, I really liked it. It was well written, it captured great emotion and... surprised me at the end. I literally said, "Holy fuc-," when I read that. You're good.

I have only a few nit picks.

I stand out on the street where red and blue lights are flashing against the darkness. People from the neighborhood have gathered around a police car, a hearse, and an ambulance outside a house. A policeman stands at the doorway, talking to a lady whose face is soaked in tears.

“What happened?” I ask a man standing beside me.

“They say little Sophie killed herself. I came running when I heard the gunshot.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I wish I knew, I liked her a lot,” I notice tears rolling down his face, “She’d smile at me and turn a bad day around,”

A stretcher carrying a body bag is carried through the doorway and loaded into the the coroner’s vehicle. The woman at the doorway falls on her knees and wails. All the sirens are shut off and the vehicles leave, breaking the crowd.

The whole school is quiet the next day. The hall is filled with silence, broken only by footsteps, whispers, and sobs: the news had spread overnight. Most of the students I see have tears running down their faces. As I walk down the hall, I meet a boy talking to a crying girl, who I remember was Sophie’s best friend.

“If only she knew how much she was loved,” says the boy, kneeling beside the girl.(period)

“She was the only person who cared enough to be there,” the girl whispers,

“I should have been there for her,” then he begins to break down, “I miss her so much.”

“She loved you too,” she says, then I remember that Sophie had always liked the boy.remove the "

“She always said this was a world of darkness. She never knew she was a light to me.”

I walk faster, tears filling my eyes. I've always hated Sophie. I saw her as nothing more than dirt. She was just another thing that didn't deserve to exist. Now that she’s dead, I finally realize that people like me are the reason people like her exist.

Suddenly, Sophie is standing in front of me, pointing a handgun to her temple. She begins to cry and tremble.

“It’s all over,” she says.

“Please, don’t do this,” I cry, “Think about everyone who sees you as a light in their lives, they’re worth the fight.”

She opens her mouth, but no words come out.

“Ending your life will also end the lives of many more people. I know I’m not your friend, but I know we can fight this together. Sophie, we will fight this together.”

She lowers the gun.

It's not worth it, Sophie. I tell myself, walking away from the mirror.

It's not worth it.

This was incredibly moving, thank you so much for this piece. As someone who has struggled with self harm and depression, as well as suicide, this was something I needed. It's beautiful. Thank you.

Hey, steward! Here for a review.

So, I really like this. The whole way the main character saw how much everyone would miss her. That was a new perspective but a great one. If, say, someone else were to write using that tactic they probably wouldn't get how to. But, you do. Great job!!

I also want to congratulate you on literary spotlight as well as letting you know this is very inspirational for me, personally. Can you post a link to this on my wall or copy and paste it to my wall or pm it to me or something to I can have it? I know it sounds weird but this is really good.

Now, done with the praise for a moment. There was one minor error. But, it stuck out like a sore thumb. Well, maybe it was only for me. I don't know but here it is:

“She loved you too,” she says, then I remember that Sophie had always liked the boy."

Timmy heeeere, as requested.

I am mainly writing this as an, ah, alert to anyone else who may reading this to assure them that this isn't my normal style of reviewing. I do point out the good aspects of the piece with lots of praise where earned. But this review is an exception due to critique being solely requested - no fluff and niceness included.

Let's get going. c:

The beginning of the short story needs to have the scene built stronger. This is your introduction - where your story begins and where your reader is sucked in. Or not. It all depends on how you structure your beginning. The idea you have in the first sentences is phenomenal, so don't even think about changing that. But I feel as though the pacing throughout was too quick, and you didn't spend enough time building up the scene. Remember: the tone of the piece needs to be established, and since this short is comprised of mainly two complete scenes, you need to create and fill a complete structure for both of them. Scene building scene building scene building. Consider this like the backdrop for a play. As it stands right now, you have a few people and a few vehicles parked about - lights flashing. If this piece was long, I'd say that's okay because you need to move on (assuming you have a limit), but because this is fairly short, I'd say you need to build up that beginning. Build up the feeling and ambiance of the initial scene. The wailing? Good. The sirens? Good. Build up those two images and insert the five senses, engaging more to conjure a better image. Especially sound would do wonderfully, seeing that you have those sirens. You have a character. What affect does that high-pitched whining from the police-cars have on her? Work from there. c:

red and blue lights are flashing against the darkness

I wish I knew, I liked her a lot,” I notice tears rolling down his face, “She’d smile at me and turn a bad day around,”

I wish I knew. I liked her a lot." I notice tears rolling down his face. "She'd smile at me and turn a bad day around."

” says the boy, kneeling beside the girl

the girl whispers,

“I should have been there for her,” then he begins to break down,

“She always said this was a world of darkness. She never knew she was a light to me.”

Now that she’s dead, I finally realize that people like me are the reason people like her exist.

Suddenly, Sophie is standing in front of me, pointing a handgun to her temple.

“Please, don’t do this,” I cry, “Think

It’s not worth it, Sophie. I tell myself, walking away from the mirror.

Okay. So let me get this straight. It turns out that the narrator and the 'deceased' Sophie are the same person? Or did I not understand what it is that this story is trying to convey? Well, regardless, I liked the main idea of the story and i think it speaks to a lot of people who have considered suicide as an out for their problems. My opinion: 'You may no hear it, see it, or feel it when someone will miss you when you die. Someone will cry at your funeral so don't decide on a permanent solution for a temporary problem.' But back to the story. I wish you would've put more feeling to it. I would've liked to feel the remorse and devastation the characters are feeling in the story. I would've liked to taste the salty tears, feel the unbearable heartache, see the sorrow on their faces, etc. I felt like narrator was a bit hollow and emotionless. It wasn't there for me. Also, I would've liked it if you would've added more details here and there on what it is that the narrator is seeing. How are the people reacting when they hear the news and see the body being carried out of the house? I'm sure they're not all reacting the same way. What does the scenery look like? Is it raining? Is it cold? What do the people look like? Also, I feel like even though this is a short stuff, you could've incorporated some action for the characters. The crowd seems still and lifeless even though you said they weren't. What are the police doing? What are they saying? Are they angry? Are they sad as well? I feel like you have many potholes in this write and with a little bit more details, this can be even more amazing. Nonetheless, I commend you for writing this piece. It has a message I'm sure a lot of us needed to hear. Very well done! -IceWinifredd

Good story, but saw it coming.

Woah, I'm pretty sure no one seen that coming. This is amazing! I need to read more of your works Keep up the good work!
-Lauren

WHOA!... this is taking "plot twist" to a whole new level!.. LOVED IT!! xD

Didn't see that coming.

It sent chills up my spine.

This is great. c:

Wow! That plot twist!
Your writing in this short isn't full of imagery, it has some but it's not stuffed. It is full of emotion, though. You can tell throughout the entire story that everyone liked Sophie and that her death affected them immensely. The setting was in place and then you just drove the story straight to the point, yet it doesn't feel rushed or forced. It flows nicely and swiftly.
All in all, a good short story. And once again, plot twist. I always like a good plot twist.

Keep up the good work

I'm not even sure how to start this review off, so let me just point out some of the things I really enjoyed about this:
First off, I thought the narrator was going to be some spoiled person who just hated Sophie. I love that twist at the end, and it really did come as a shock to me.
If I'm not mistaken, the whole entire story, with the exception of the ending lines, were the future if Sophie had decided to end her life. I really like how you wrote it that way: starting with a possibility and then showing us what really happens.
I think I might show this to a friend or two, because this is a really powerful story. I'm surprised there's only one other review and a comment, I would've thought you would be getting a lot of feedback for this.
It's a really good short story, and you should totally be getting more praise for this. Keep writing things like this!
~Prez. T

Hi, this is so emotional, I'm quite fussy when it comes to reading but this drew me in. Probably because its quite close to home. Well done on such a deep and meaningful piece. I like stories', poems etc with a message. I just love everything about this. Its brutal but somehow gentle. You've captured the perfect balance. Keep it up for sure, I'd like to see what else you can do.

Wow
good one