I stand out on the street where red and blue lights flash against the darkness. All I hear are sirens. People from the neighborhood have gathered around a police car, a hearse, and an ambulance outside a house. A policeman stands at the doorway, talking to a lady whose face is soaked in tears.
“What happened?” I ask the man beside me.
“I ran when I heard a gunshot. They- they say little Sophie took her life,” he replied, his voice choking.
“Why would she do that?” I say, nearly sounding disgusted.
“I wish I knew. She- she was different.” The man looks like he had been crying. “She’d smile at me and turn a bad day around.”
A loud wail pierces my ears as the lady at the doorway falls to her knees. A body bag on a stretcher is carried through the door and loaded into the coroner’s vehicle.
The next day, the school is quiet. The hall is filled with silence, broken only by footsteps, whispers, and sobs: the news had spread overnight. Everyone has their heads down, not even noticing me. As I walk down the hall, I meet a boy talking to a crying girl, who I remember was Sophie’s best friend.
“If only she knew how much she was loved,” says the boy, kneeling beside the girl. Sophie had always liked him.
“She was the only person who cared enough to be there,” the girl whispers.
“I should have been there for her,” he says, breaking down to tears. “I miss her so much, Amy.”
“She always told me to stay strong.” Amy buries her face in her hands, “I should have said it back.”
I walk faster. I’ve always hated Sophie. I saw her as nothing more than dirt. Now that she’s dead, I finally realize that people like me are the reason people like her exist.
I run. Tears fill my eyes and all I see are blurred colors. I stop and brush my eyes: Sophie is standing in front of me, holding a revolver to her temple. She looks at me in the eyes and begins to cry.
“It’s all over,” she says, trembling.
“Please don’t do this!” I scream.
“I can’t take this anymore.”
“Sophie, we can fight this together. I know I’m not your friend, but we will fight this together.”
She begins to lower the gun.
“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, Sophie, but this isn’t the way out. If you fall, those holding on to you will fall too. It’s not worth it.”
She sets the gun in front of the mirror.
“It’s not worth it, Sophie.” I tell myself again,
“It’s never worth it.”
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
As a teenage girl who struggles with Bipolar Disorder, self harm, major depression, suicidal thoughts (and a few more unfortunately) this is beautiful. Inspiring. I couldn't stop. I re-read it. And again. Something for hope because tonight has been one hel- *excuse me* heck of a night and I just feel like the revolver should be in my hands, or the razors in my dressers, or the big knives in the kitchen. Are you also a girl? I, sadly, couldn't tell from your profile (yes I like hearing about the lives of other writers).
I'm sorry if you've ever dealt with this or horrible things happen to you. But you have to stay strong. Remember that there are ALWAYS people who don't want you to end your life, who couldn't handle the loss. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are one heck of a unique person in modern crumbling society. I feel like the biggest hypocrite for saying this, as in if this were me reading this from someone else, I wouldn't believe it.
As I can see the moon tonight, full in the sky with the deep blue setting in, cars driving by occasionally, I thank you for posting this. Thank you, so much. It's not everyday that I see something about suicidal issues (which society basically doesn't care about). This is beautiful.
Don't you ever go taking your life. Or else I will find you, re-animate you, kill you again, and shake you like mad. You hear me? You are an amazing young writer and friend and person and human bean and you do NOT deserve to suffer.
Stay strong. Forever. I know it's hard, but you've got to make it through this.
*slams follow button*
~ Freak
I only saw this now, and I'm very moved by you <3
thank you but no, thank you for posting this
Hey Steward! I'm Nike, here to review. So I read your story and, I really liked it. It was well written, it captured great emotion and... surprised me at the end. I literally said, "Holy fuc-," when I read that. You're good.
I have only a few nit picks.
This is good. You understand what's going on. Nothing to say here.
At this point we get that Sophie has killed herself. But I'm not getting much emotion here. It's like they say show don't tell. I've been told this so many times before. Try showing more.
Well she should remember because she is Sophie.
There are errors here. I have them fixed in bold. And I want more emotion here. How did she say this stuff?
This part really got me. I was like 'whoa, why hate on Sophie? What did she ever do to you?!'. Before I knew the MC was Sophie, I believed that when the MC sees Sophie, that's their guilt raiding their mind. Like whoa, shouldn't have hated her, she was good and killed herself. Like that. This was good.
And the ending is great. She ends up saving herself because she realizes death isn't her time yet.
All in all, I liked the story. It captured the reader's attention and related to a lot of us. And I'm so happy she didn't do it because, it really isn't worth it. The things people go through now won't matter in a year, why end your life over it? You can live a great life. You did very well here.
Thank you very much Nike., tried to edit a bit.,
This was incredibly moving, thank you so much for this piece. As someone who has struggled with self harm and depression, as well as suicide, this was something I needed. It's beautiful. Thank you.
Clean since December 31.,
stay strong.,
Hey, steward! Here for a review.
So, I really like this. The whole way the main character saw how much everyone would miss her. That was a new perspective but a great one. If, say, someone else were to write using that tactic they probably wouldn't get how to. But, you do. Great job!!
I also want to congratulate you on literary spotlight as well as letting you know this is very inspirational for me, personally. Can you post a link to this on my wall or copy and paste it to my wall or pm it to me or something to I can have it? I know it sounds weird but this is really good.
Now, done with the praise for a moment. There was one minor error. But, it stuck out like a sore thumb. Well, maybe it was only for me. I don't know but here it is:
Here, was the third quotation mark a mistake?
Anyway, this is really well written, GREAT JOB!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Thank you Tiffany.,
Timmy heeeere, as requested.
I am mainly writing this as an, ah, alert to anyone else who may reading this to assure them that this isn't my normal style of reviewing. I do point out the good aspects of the piece with lots of praise where earned. But this review is an exception due to critique being solely requested - no fluff and niceness included.
Let's get going. c:
The beginning of the short story needs to have the scene built stronger. This is your introduction - where your story begins and where your reader is sucked in. Or not. It all depends on how you structure your beginning. The idea you have in the first sentences is phenomenal, so don't even think about changing that. But I feel as though the pacing throughout was too quick, and you didn't spend enough time building up the scene. Remember: the tone of the piece needs to be established, and since this short is comprised of mainly two complete scenes, you need to create and fill a complete structure for both of them. Scene building scene building scene building. Consider this like the backdrop for a play. As it stands right now, you have a few people and a few vehicles parked about - lights flashing. If this piece was long, I'd say that's okay because you need to move on (assuming you have a limit), but because this is fairly short, I'd say you need to build up that beginning. Build up the feeling and ambiance of the initial scene. The wailing? Good. The sirens? Good. Build up those two images and insert the five senses, engaging more to conjure a better image. Especially sound would do wonderfully, seeing that you have those sirens. You have a character. What affect does that high-pitched whining from the police-cars have on her? Work from there. c:
are flashing is passive voice. Try to stick to the active voice as much as you can. So, in this case, it would read better as flash. Shorter and stronger.
Comma issues throughout. Let me re-write this for you to make it flow better and exchanging commas for periods and such.
How you wrote this part makes it so that there are quite a few short sentences. If that is something which is a bother to you (although many pro-writers use shorter sentences in their dialogue, which makes sense as people do talk disjointedly), then you can go through and insert conjunctions, Em-dashes, commas - whatever. After you've done your editing with this piece, set it down and don't look at it for a week. Then come back and see what you find.
Missing a period after girl
Replace the comma after whispers with a period.
If you're going to use a comma after your dialogue, then you need to incorporate something else instead of this. As it sits, the sentence looks disjointed. The part for her," then he begins... bears all the weight in that as it reads veryyy clunky. Either cut the comma and insert a period - or insert a for her," he says. Then he begins or for her," he says, beginning to... Either way would make the sentence flow better. I'll refer to my previous point here. Editing. After you've edited and you're coming back for your final round, read it out loud. You'd be surprised by how much you'll find that way - especially when it comes to the clunky and general readability of the piece.
This rang a cliche bell at me, and while I love the saying (one of my fave songs has it in there. xD If darkness blinds you, I...), I think you could either tweak with its wording or find some similar way to describe her feeling. As I said, I love it. But it does have a cliche ring to it.
Sorry for pulling out such a big section. This part needs some careful attention as it is the most important part of the entire piece. This transition should cause you a few headaches before you get it completely right, because it's the effect, the transition, the crash over. Everything in the piece builds up to this point and depends on this piece to begin the slide down towards the ending. You have the basic idea down here, but you need to add more. The first thing I would do is remove Suddenly. It reads mostly as an excuse to insert something jarring into the story. Perhaps one day, long ago, it held a shattering meaning behind it and truly slammed life into a part, but now it's been so overused, it has almost none of that effect you need and tried for. One of the many ways of employing surprise is by halting the character's thoughts. Mid-word. Just boom. Like this: I finally realize I'm the reason people like her ex— (line space) Sophie stands there.... I've used it many times before, and it seems to have a nice effect (and the same thing can be applied for things like interruptions in dialogue). This part just needs a few moments of careful attention. The only thing I have for you are a few simple ideas to hopefully give you some of your own to implement. Just tweak it. See what you can do. c:
Sophie (the narrator, although we only discover this at the end) needs more... how do I put this... passion in her thoughts and more thoughts overall. I would extend the part a bit where she convinces herself to not kill herself. Just build up the emotions of that part until they threaten to spill over. Don't make this fire small. This is an emotional piece, so be sure to make the character's feelings and thoughts visible to the reader in everything she does. Sometimes they seem a bit vague and disconnected from the reader (although sometimes they're so close, they suck my breath away). This part I quoted above could use more thought and more - not in the words necessarily (I thought their dialogue was wonderful), but building a scene around their words.
How this is structured, there should be a comma after Sophie instead of a period. Although I am a bit ignorant yet with proper types of punctuation. >< Here is a link to a reference site I've always found helpful for solving punctuation issues. Perhaps a quick read-through will help you discover where and when you need the proper punctuation. Also, while it isn't necessary, most writers put the thought of the character in italics - in a way, isolating it from the piece like writer's use quotation marks for dialogue.
I loved the repetition of It's not worth it, and for a last sentence, it rocked. Keep it. Although this is personal preference, I'm sure, italicizing it would certainly give it more emphasis and make it seem like a chilling voice from inside her (I'm just throwing out suggestions based on what I think as I read through, as well at critiquing).
And that's all I have on this piece! There are a few punctuation and grammar
geeksgeniuses on YWS who could really help you, and I'm sure they'd love to help. I'm almost hopeless with it, although I try to nitpick it anyway. Anywho, this was a lovely piece. I truly think you did an amazing job and brought it far. And the twist at the end? GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS. I love love what you did there. If that hadn't been there, it may have seemed a normal teen drama story. That made it so, so much more. ^.^Continue writing, as always.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank you very much Timmyjake, especially for the time., I tried to edit it a bit.,
Okay. So let me get this straight. It turns out that the narrator and the 'deceased' Sophie are the same person? Or did I not understand what it is that this story is trying to convey? Well, regardless, I liked the main idea of the story and i think it speaks to a lot of people who have considered suicide as an out for their problems. My opinion: 'You may no hear it, see it, or feel it when someone will miss you when you die. Someone will cry at your funeral so don't decide on a permanent solution for a temporary problem.' But back to the story. I wish you would've put more feeling to it. I would've liked to feel the remorse and devastation the characters are feeling in the story. I would've liked to taste the salty tears, feel the unbearable heartache, see the sorrow on their faces, etc. I felt like narrator was a bit hollow and emotionless. It wasn't there for me. Also, I would've liked it if you would've added more details here and there on what it is that the narrator is seeing. How are the people reacting when they hear the news and see the body being carried out of the house? I'm sure they're not all reacting the same way. What does the scenery look like? Is it raining? Is it cold? What do the people look like? Also, I feel like even though this is a short stuff, you could've incorporated some action for the characters. The crowd seems still and lifeless even though you said they weren't. What are the police doing? What are they saying? Are they angry? Are they sad as well? I feel like you have many potholes in this write and with a little bit more details, this can be even more amazing. Nonetheless, I commend you for writing this piece. It has a message I'm sure a lot of us needed to hear. Very well done! -IceWinifredd
I really would have wanted to go in a lot more detail, but this story had to be 400 words or less., I had to slim it down, and this wasthe best I could do.,
cheers! ~*steward.'
*450 words
Good story, but saw it coming.
How?
Woah, I'm pretty sure no one seen that coming. This is amazing! I need to read more of your works
Keep up the good work!
-Lauren
Thank you, Lauren.,
WHOA!... this is taking "plot twist" to a whole new level!.. LOVED IT!! xD
Aww., thanks
Didn't see that coming.
It sent chills up my spine.
This is great. c:
Thank you Bri.,
Wow! That plot twist!
Your writing in this short isn't full of imagery, it has some but it's not stuffed. It is full of emotion, though. You can tell throughout the entire story that everyone liked Sophie and that her death affected them immensely. The setting was in place and then you just drove the story straight to the point, yet it doesn't feel rushed or forced. It flows nicely and swiftly.
All in all, a good short story. And once again, plot twist. I always like a good plot twist.
Keep up the good work
Thank you.,
I love plot twists as well
I'm not even sure how to start this review off, so let me just point out some of the things I really enjoyed about this:
First off, I thought the narrator was going to be some spoiled person who just hated Sophie. I love that twist at the end, and it really did come as a shock to me.
If I'm not mistaken, the whole entire story, with the exception of the ending lines, were the future if Sophie had decided to end her life. I really like how you wrote it that way: starting with a possibility and then showing us what really happens.
I think I might show this to a friend or two, because this is a really powerful story. I'm surprised there's only one other review and a comment, I would've thought you would be getting a lot of feedback for this.
It's a really good short story, and you should totally be getting more praise for this. Keep writing things like this!
~Prez. T
Thank you.,
Hi, this is so emotional, I'm quite fussy when it comes to reading but this drew me in. Probably because its quite close to home. Well done on such a deep and meaningful piece. I like stories', poems etc with a message. I just love everything about this. Its brutal but somehow gentle. You've captured the perfect balance. Keep it up for sure, I'd like to see what else you can do.
Thank you.,
Wow
good one
Thank you.,