When we met for the first time, the boy in me could not stop thinking about your suppressed smile which seemed incomplete to him, your kind hazel eyes, the smell of your almond curls that could not be begotten from any aesthetic product and that playful voice with which you called his name, the writer in me found the essence of your smile in your hazel eyes, he said you smiled from your eyes, he defined the smile as a veil, harbouring some form of innate malice or pestilence, to the soothing smell he attributed the adjective, seductive. The boy lived with butterflies of love in his stomach, the writer marinated sheets of paper with the beauty of those butterflies.
7 Years later when we became comfortable in each other’s silence, when words seemed unnecessary to convey the feeling of completeness that we derived from each other, the boy in me had transformed into a man but the writer in me found himself short of things to beautify and emotions to intensify, he started looking for grains of negativity, points of inauthenticity in our relationship.
27 years later when you left me, when the grains of negativity and points of inauthenticity overpowered us, the man inside me was visibly broken, he longed for your autumn smile, he even longed for those winter lies, but the writer inside me was the happiest he had ever been, as now his writings about lost love and the pain associated with losing a part, no a quintessential part of one’s self would be authentic, as the broken man’s pain was there to validate it.
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Hello! Ebony here for a quick review.
I'm sure people have already said this but the first sentence is a bit too long. Here's an example of how you could change it.
When we met for the first time, the boy in me could not stop thinking about your suppressed smile. It seemed incomplete to him. He loved your kind hazel eyes and the smell of your almond curls that could not be begotten from any aesthetic product. Who could forget that playful voice with which you called his name? The writer in me found the essence of your your hazel eyes. He said you smiled from your eyes, a smile that was like a veil, harbouring some form of innate malice or pestilence. As well as the soothing smell he attributed the adjective, seductive.
This is the way I'd do it, although you'd probably edit it differently. A few of the other sentences seem a bit long too, so I suggest that you try and edit them in a similar way. If the sentences are too long the story seems to drag on a bit, and it also messes with the pacing.
As for the actual story, I think your use of imagery is fantastic and I love the concept. Once you've edited it a little you'll find that the beginning becomes much more beautiful and the ending will be even more heartbreaking.
Keep writing!
Ebony
Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek here for another review on some amazing literature! I'm here to make the Werewolves pay for their advantage, and to make your writing better as a whole. This story truly is one of the best pieces of literary work I have read in the past 24 hours, and that is saying a lot, considering where I am on the Review Day ranking! Without any further adue, let's get into this review!
This short story is very short, as it should be, and I think that truly validates the deeper meaning of this story. Obviously every story or poem as at least two meanings, the one the author intended and one the reader can pick out without having the emotions attached to themselves, but the words. A poem with meaning truly different or truly similar are both successes in their own quintessential way, but this work managed to create both a mystery and an understanding in the reader in a way that no other literary work on this site has done in a long time. You bridged the gap between a man's poems and his heart. You picked apart the truth of relationships, that they are perfect only when they are new, and that overtime, the grains of imperfection and negativity build up, and that is what destroys them.
That's all I can say for today. You did a wonderful job, and you should always write from your heart! I'm going to follow you to see your next work when it comes out. See you again soon! ZeldaIsShiek- Out!
Hey dec12 here
So first off I will not be commenting on any punctuation or grammar as I stink at that stuff!
I like where you were going with this piece. The idea that each of us have different side that are attracted to certain aspects of life and individuals. And that those aspects are vital to who we are as a whole. That being said, I think this price would benefit from more imagery and description.
Such as the line " your smile that seemed incomplete to him "
"Your smile that seemed incomplete to him, like the pages of a book not yet written."
Or something like that
"The smell of your almond curls"
What did they smell like ?
I like the comparison of her smile in the last paragraph to a season that is peacful and full of color and the lies to a season that is dreary and cold.
Keep working on this but overall I liked the concept
Hmm, this sentence is kinda long...ok, wow, it's really long. Is the whole paragraph one sentence...ok.
It sounds funny, but I think I know what you were going for. That being said, if you want to do that, I think you should make it a little easier to follow. The very first couple of pronouns are difficult to follow:
"When we met for the first time, the boy in me could not stop thinking about your suppressed smile which seemed incomplete to him, your kind hazel eyes..."
I get it, especially after reading it through a few more times, but on the first read through it's confusing.
"...when the grains of negativity and points of inauthenticity overpowered us..."
I like this imagery, it conveys the idea that the overpowering was slow in coming, and that it was a lot of little things that built up to it.
"...no a quintessential part..."
I think you meant not.
To summarize, I couldn't see the forest for all the confusing and twisted trees.
Hello there, I'm ashpandas.
I like the concept of this piece, but that being said I personally think it needs a lot of work. It has a lot of run on sentences which is part of the reason it has no flow. I like how it starts, but I think there are some parts in this where you lose me a little. I think part of it has to do with the words you've chosen. I don't think they fit well together. It doesn't flow together. It sounds like you're trying too hard to be descriptive. I think you should just let it flow and let it come to you. Also go through it and make sentences and not just add a coma to everything... For example.... "When we met for the first time, the boy in me could not stop thinking about your suppressed smile which seemed incomplete to him" Put a period after smile. Maybe change "Which" to it. That's just a thought. But that being said there actually are a few places where a coma is missing.
OK I'm gonna cut this short. Like I said I think the concept is good. Just the writing itself is poor. Remember to make those sentences. Add comas where they actually need to be and maybe change the wording in a few places to give your piece flow. Good luck.