Young Writers Society

Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of poetry and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. Are you ready? Let's begin the review!

The main reason that this poem caught my eye was that it was the only literacy on the first page I had not yet reviewed. Other than that, the title stood out to me the greatest. This is because there are a lot of love songs out there, but this one truly intrigued me. I am Aromantic Asexual, so naturally, I haven't experienced the "Instant Love" you speak of in this poem and in the description. I don't know what love feels like, but that doesn't stop me from liking Romance Novels and being able to write love poems! Something I loves about this poem was the line,

"The way she walked silently the way she talked like poetry dressed in black she looked at me and I fell in love instantly"

because of the sly rhyme at the end and because of the reference to the beginning when you state that she is wearing black. That is because both her dress and her voice are described as being dressed in black. I really like this song. Keep writing songs and poems like this one, and have a great Review Day!

-ZeldaIsShiek

Hi, I'm Silpa.
I really liked your piece of art here. I loved the rhyming of the words that you used which matches perfectly with the feeling you want to convey to your readers. yeah, the lack of punctuation is a mystery but I can see that you used block letters wherever necessary. And, is there a particular reason why you highlighted that the girl was dressed in black at the beginning as well as at the ending of the art? However, it is so amazing and deserves appreciation. Well done!

Hi, I'm Silpa.
I really liked your piece of art here. I loved the rhyming of the words that you used which matches perfectly with the feeling you want to convey to your readers. yeah, the lack of punctuation is a mystery but I can see that you used block letters wherever necessary. And, is there a particular reason why you highlighted that the girl was dressed in black at the beginning as well as at the ending of the art? However, it is so amazing and deserves appreciation. Well done!

Hello hello and welcome to YWS!!! So because this is such a short piece, I'm going to attempt tor review it line by line and possibly insert line breaks where I think they might be based on capitalization and rhyming, but I might be totally off, so this will be fun! Let's get started!

'Dressed in black she looked at me I brimmed up with prolific glee,' interesting word choices, prolific isn't normally used to describe glee, but it brings up powerful images of just how happy your narrator is, so it works.

'smiling at her brightly I grew pink and I couldn't breathe' nice rhyme scheme, great way to expand on the feelings you introduced in the first line. First you told the reader what your narrator was feeling, and then you described it and allowed them the chance to feel it for themselves through your descriptions.

'Her numinous eyes her comely smile' Describing the love interest is always a key aspect if you want the reader to fall a little bit in love with them as well! Although, you do seem to break from a noticeable rhyme scheme here which was slightly disappointing because you had set up such a nice one with the first two lines.

'I had never seen something so replete' replete means filled, so what was her smile filled with? Sunshine? Rainbows? The things that make you melt inside?

'Her hair was as black as night' More decriptions!!! Woohoo! making your readers build a picture is high-key important for any story you try and tell.

'visage was the most soothing sight' yay for getting back onto the rhyme scheme! Although if you want to keep this pattern, I would again suggest changing the third and fourth lines, otherwise it throws the reader off.

'The way she walked silently' I don't think this is a necessary detail and it feels kinda shoved in there for the sake of the rhyme scheme.

'the way she talked like poetry' a poem (of sorts) for the poetry girl! Probably my favorite line in the whole work!!!

'dressed in black she looked at me and I fell in love instantly' another line that rhymes! Although it makes me personally happy that you rhymed the last three lines, it would be helpful if you kept to one scheme throughout the poem, or make it more obvious how the scheme works.

It would also help your flow tremendously to put in line breaks or something similar so that readers know what the end of a thought occurred or when they need to switch gears. I struggled a little bit with determining where the breaks should be be based on context clues and almost reviewed the last two lines as one.

I can't wait to see what else you come out with!
-Alice

Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

So, first impressions first, it looks like your formatting got eaten by the text editor, oh dear. There are a few ways to fix this, and this article goes over multiple methods in-depth, though this one is also really good.

Having your lyrics actually look like lyrics will go a long way towards making them more readable as right now, they're kind of all smooshed into one gigantic line that's difficult to follow, and I'm not quite sure where you intended the lines and verses to begin and end, which makes commenting on the flow and/or rhyming in this a bit difficult.

With that said, I noticed that you use a lot of words in not-quite-correct ways, with "brimmed" and "prolific" being pretty obvious cases of thesaurus usage. Considering the next bit is "smiling at her brightly I grew pink and couldn't breathe" which isn't particularly poetic or advanced in language, the use of the the thesaurus becomes particularly glaring, especially in the case of "numinous" because that's a very uncommon word, and while it is used correctly, it just sticks out as a poor fit stylistically.

It's always a good idea to use a dictionary in conjunction with a thesaurus, and also to keep in mind the level of vocabulary of the rest of the piece on a whole. Complex words typically pair better with complex structures, while simple structures (such as this) pair better with simpler vocabulary.

In any case, the biggest issue with this is the (lack of) formatting, so fixing that up would go a long way in improving the accessibility of this piece.

I can't tell if the lack of punctuation is intentional or not. On the one hand, it could signify the jumble of thoughts and feelings that come with facing your love for the first time. On the other hand, it could have just been carelessness. I like how there was a rhythm to the work too. It made the short blip easy to read and understand.

Will you be completing any other work based off of this blip? If so, I would be happy to read it. I like the blip, it was a very god piece.