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18+ Language Violence

Scorpions: The Sequel

by sheysse

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

oh fuck

oh fuck

oh fuck

oh fuck

oh fuck

oh fuck


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522 Reviews

Points: 18486
Reviews: 522

Tue Mar 31, 2020 6:55 pm
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Lavvie wrote a review...

Hi Sheyren. Happy Review Day!

There is a time and place for avant-garde poetry. Or, as you mentioned below, pushing the bounds of poetry. I don't know you enough as poet to provide an insightful review, so I read some of your other work. It's clear to me that you're satirical, maybe a bit of a cynic. That's fine, and it helps me address this a bit better.

My number one recommendation is to be in service of your audience, instead of against them. If it's a goal of yours to push the boundaries of poetry, then do it honestly. Perhaps you do come by it honestly, but also remember how this might be interpreted by your readers. You do not want to alienate your readers, lest you lose your readership entirely. Of course, on a website like YWS, you're always going to have someone reading something of yours. But if you're thinking of publishing this, a very small few (if any) might understand this, let alone relate to it. You have given us very little to grasp onto. It's not my intent to be scathing, but I think the issue here is that I am getting the impression that you're either not taking yourself seriously or that you're taking yourself too seriously. Consider what image you want to portray and make your poetry work for you.

Have you read Art & Fear by Bayles and Orland? I recommend that you do. It speaks to the importance of working towards achieving art, as opposed to making something art right away. There is a sense of immodesty if you do the latter. Do not get away with yourself and understand that if you really want to achieve something impactful and make a difference for a reader, there needs to be some element of relatability, an element of emotion, and purposefulness. The purpose here - and in many of your pieces, I think - is along the lines of mockery. A time and a place, Sheyren. I do not understand why you would want to confuse your audience. I can get making them uncomfortable because that can be a worthwhile endeavour in poetry, but do not put yourself on a pedestal. If anything, the poet should be looking up towards their audience.

I'm writing this because I think you're confident as a writer. I'm curious about your artistic philosophy considering this and other pieces because I cannot understand somebody whose aim it is to confuse their reader. Make them uncomfortable and uncertain? Fine. Confuse? Nope.

I hope you can read this in the best way possible, and I genuinely mean well with this review. I hope that it has pushed you to reflect as a writer and ask yourself some more questions. I'm always here to help clarify if need be.

Kudos to you for trying out something so radical.

All the best,

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105 Reviews

Points: 1338
Reviews: 105

Tue Mar 31, 2020 6:55 pm
fatherfig wrote a review...

Gem popping out of her Jewelrybox for a review.

I feel like these reviewers are getting increasingly hasty at pointing out 'problems'. They do nothing but point out 'problems'. I'm getting agravated. People like yourself or me dont just post our stories and poems because we can't wait for someone to pick them to peices, or hear the next sarcastic comment. Alongside gramatical errors, we also want to hear good things.

This is short. This is comedic. So you know what? It is a short comedic poem. I respect is as such. It was genuinely funny, and to get that effect you used very few words. I for one praise that ability. I enjoyed reading this poem. It is a poem you could read at work. I like it.

Keep it up.

Keep writing.

This is Gem going back into her jewelrybox to repair a story no one tried to use context to understand.

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174 Reviews

Points: 3050
Reviews: 174

Sun Mar 29, 2020 8:52 pm
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JesseWrites says...

Wow... What a piece. You gave so much description. I felt like I was there. It was a little short for my taste, but overall a good piece.

I wish I could write like you. So amazing. There was no errors at all. I loved this more than my own family.

(I have no idea what you were going for)

Good job?

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56 Reviews

Points: 962
Reviews: 56

Sat Mar 28, 2020 7:46 pm
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JoyDark wrote a review...

Hey! This poem is... something. Unfortunately, I can't really figure out what that something is. I just don't have enough information.

This is supposed to be a political poem, judging by your description. What is political about it? Are the scorpions a symbol of something? Why does this person keep on saying "oh f*ck"? Do they not like scorpions? Are they afraid of the scorpions? What are the scorpions? Symbols of corruption, or just scorpions?

Also, who is the narrator? Is it a person in government? A person in the desert, looking for scorpions? I don't know. There is literally no way to tell.

Maybe you were going for something metaphorical with this poem. But I think it's too metaphorical. Too vague. So vague that I don't know what this is about. And so I have one of two options. I can one, dismiss this poem and not give a crap about it, because it's obviously pointless... or two, I can ask you to maybe make this a bit clearer. Because maybe you know what this is about, and you can make it clearer.

Or maybe you don't care. I looked at Scorpions Part One, and it's the same as this essentially. People have left you comments, but you haven't even responded to them, or made adjustions to your poem. And you haven't left YWS, because you published this poem, so it means that you're deliberately ignoring the comments. Does that mean you don't even care about this poem? Is it all a joke? A gag to make us question your metaphors, your repetitive lines? Maybe these poems don't mean anything. Maybe you're just trying to troll us. And maybe you aren't. Maybe you're actually trying to figure out something here, tell us something. But I can't understand a darn thing that your poem is trying to say. So maybe revise it and make it clearer. Because if you don't, a troll is all this poem is going to be. For me, and for others.

sheysse says...

Thanks for the review!

The goal of my poetry is to push the bounds of what is considered poetry, so if was confusing or nonsensical, that's to be expected. And of course, it's not for everyone, so apologies if you didn't enjoy it.

JoyDark says...

No, you're fine. I just wished I understood it more, that's all. Really. I'm really sorry if I sounded angry, I just... *sigh*. Thank you, though, for your explanation.

sheysse says...

No, you're fine. Thanks for the review haha

The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal