Young Writers Society

Hello! FlamingPhoenix here to drop off a review for you on this lovely day, now ahead of time if I say anything that's is rude just no it is not in any of my intentions.

Okay so out of this whole chapter I only saw one thing that really needed to be fixed, it's very small and it didn't affect your work to much, so let's jump right into it.

He opened his mouth, but seemed not to know what to say, and eventually pulled it shut. Again he decided to speak, but found no words, and let his mouth close.

He continued opening and closing his mouth--like a fish, Josh noted-- for a few minutes before finally choosing what to say. "How was your first day of school?"

This was a great story! Perhaps another polish would make it really shine. As it is, this was fantastic. There was perfect balance between the mundane and the supernatural. It's as if this were a ghost story written by Raymond Carver (another short story writer I highly recommend everyone read). A perfect story for the fall.

-Neal

it is a review.
You know #Sheytato somehow I love science fiction, psychological and ghost story. I mean fiction.Actually all are connected somehow..you know that right? because, all happen inside our mind and head. and ghost is true..actually, when we feel to need someone deep down in our mind, and believe with our heart and soul...we do see and feel. Thats what I believe..And you tried a good shoot. I love the way you explain and the deep faith in #Josh .
plzz keep writing

I'm a huge fan of supernatural stuff, and unsolved mysteries, so this really hit the spot for me. I love the concept and the execution, though the pacing is a tiny bit off. The pencil case as a MacGuffin of sorts is really interesting - how can a ghost (I assume she's a ghost) touch physical matter? Are they like ghosts in Harry Potter or in American Horror Story? Are they wisps or corporeal? It's really fascinating, how you executed the whole "maybe she's dead, maybe she was never alive, we don't know what the hell she is" thing. Kudos for such an original idea.
I think that the strongest part of this is the contained story and unique context. The weakest, to be perfectly honest, is that the point of view somewhat detracts from the true emotional experience. I have to disagree with previous reviews claiming that men almost always hide their emotions, because that really is not the case, as far as I know. Men are complex, so there is nothing to worry about, writing men as emotional, especially given the situation where he has (potentially) lost his wife.
Keep writing, you have a very strong style and clearly a good imagination.

Good concept, plot and pacing. I would definitely rank this as an all around good piece. But let me try to get you to that fantastical place that we call perfection.

Your point of view. That needs some work. Having a third person limited perspective detracts from the emotion of the piece. Using this perspective makes me feel less empathetic and more so uncomfortable, as if I'm an uninvited guest watching as a family goes through one of its worst moments. If you want to fix this, I would recommend focusing on Josh's inner dialogue more extensively. Tell us how he feels. Give us more hints as to what he's avoiding. Walk us through his school life. Does he have friends? What has he done recently? Josh is an average teenager; make us feel like his mother's death is an intrusion on his life, and then drop this on us. We aren't just watching Josh live his life, we are living Josh's life, and it should hit us in our heart the way it hits Josh's heart when he allows himself to feel. Otherwise, I would recommend shifting the story to a 1st person perspective and doing these same things. You'll find that it's a lot easier to get inside of Josh's head and to put the reader in that same place.

Another thing that I had a problem with (this really isn't a big deal) was the dad's reaction. Men typically compartmentalize their emotions. You'll rarely find a man sitting crying in his room because his wife died. Sure, it's 2017 and all, but it's a little hard for me to understand a character that's so foreign and unexplained. His father is just that - his father - and without the necessary context to separate his actions from that of the stereotypical dad, this reaction comes off as plain weird. To me. This is all my opinion. I would recommend looking at your own parents and taking from that instead of taking my word for it. Men are all different, but the expectation is not. Make sure that your baseline is at your presented character or develop the character enough to explain this shift. It doesn't have to be his life story, just small actions: maybe his father cooks breakfast, or calls him down for dinner, or does something of this caliber to define him as a more sensitive, caring person. Like I said though: this is just my opinion. Take it with the necessary servings of salt.

Otherwise, you have a very good idea here. The major thing that I'd have to point out is the absence of sufficient character development. More than that though, the best advice that I can give is to keep writing!

Eyo mate. I'm back from the dead to review thine piece~.

So as was said before me, your opening paragraph is strong. I like it introduces the characters, but at the same time, it introduces a conflict that's actually not shoved to the readers until the end of the piece.

I don't really like the connectors style of writing, though. I just made that term up so I shall explain. Basically, using connectors to keep everything going. Almost as if it was a tell. That's how I feel when presented to it, at least, as if someone is literally standing by me and telling me a story. It's a very colloquial manner, I think. Some may like it, but I personally don't.

I really liked the end. It confused me at first (which I think was your objective), but after a few seconds of thought, I was on the train. Here I go back to the opening, and how Josh talked about his mom so normally, further strengthening the ending.

Cheers, mate.

Hey there Shey! MJ here for a review

"Fine," Josh said, not planning to elaborate further.

Hey hey, Ardently! here for a quick review between exams!!!

I like your first paragraph. It sets the scene well and gives us a little bit of an idea of the relationship between the characters, as you establish the silence as being abnormal. It also makes me curious as to why there's this abnormal silence and why the situation is so awkward. I kinda hate awkward bits in anything, they always make me feel awkward as well, but that's a me thing not a your story thing. So yeah, I like it.

Continuing on, your characters have distinct enough voices, which is nice as that's something I personally struggle with. You kept the suspense while making it feel natural, rather than that you were forcing it for the sake of mystery and making the reader keep reading. I like the "like a fish" it's a nice little simile in there that gives the reader a bit of a visual context of what the situation is like.

Oooh now it's getting really interesting! Is his mother dead? Is she a ghost? I'm really interested what's gonna happen. Also liking the little bits of character, like that Josh's father isn't normally a crier. Really adds in small ways to the whole idea that the situation here is really abnormal.

OH MY GOD! I WAS RIGHT! i think at least... she's a ghost? My excitement at being right aside, I really enjoyed this. Even with the word limit you managed to get some good suspense going. I liked how there were enough clues in there that I was able to guess the twist at the end, that's my favourite part when I read murder mysteries is guessing who the killer is.

Totally enjoyed this, and I'm glad I decided to read it.

~ Ardently! <3 ~

Hello, Fea here to review! Because you're making me

Ok, so first: awesome story! The twist at the end is great, and it is short yet well-done and quite engaging. The description is nice as well.

"The dinner table was abnormally silent as Josh and his father sat eating their meal." I feel like this needs a comma. It works without one, but it just reads a bit clunkily is all.

See you around,

Fea

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