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In need of a chance

by sagnik

In need of a chance

How brightly you shine father Sun ,

Such bright I wanted tobe in life,

Yet my tale will be untold,

As I am born to the Suta,

Yes ,I call it birth ,deny my royalbirth,

As father Aghirath , gave me a newlife,

When Queen Kunti ,abandoned me of shame.

In the land of Hastinapura ,I wasinsulted,

By the best five of men, the pandavas,

Whom the history describes as valiant,

Heroes of Indian epics , heroes ofIndian myths.

If I had a chance as they had,

I could have appealed more glorious,

The history would have been gratified.

I went to the preacher of Arjun,

Drona, as he was called,

Rejected me as I was a Suta ,not aKshatriya.

In compulsion I had to lie,

To Parshurama ,who preached mearchery,

Whom I made proud with my fine war skills,

In return, cursed me for my tribe.

You judge father, was it right,

Should Panchali abuse me in herSwamvara?

As I was a lower caste, not a royalborn.

I was capable of plucking the eye ofthe flying fish,

But denied to accept me, for hated theSutas.

Well price she paid for denying me,

Wooing the five most fortunatebrothers.

In the kurushetra ,so called asDharmashetra,

Should I be so wrongly defeated.

O lord Krishna, had not you stucked,

Wheel of my chariot ,wheel of yourvirtue,

Had not Arjuna violated war rules,

By aiming arrow at me while I wasunarmed.

If I had got a chance!

I don’t die for praising, dignitariesor titles

But long to be given a chance.

I do not require a recognition as thePandavas,

In this treacherous cruel world,

That judges ones capabilities bycaste,

There chance is limited to nobles,

Father Sun, enlighten this world.

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48 Reviews

Points: 970
Reviews: 48

Sun May 31, 2015 4:26 am
Edelweiss wrote a review...

Adel here for a review.
So I understand this is somewhat spiritual right? I love the narrators devotion and trust to Father Sun. It was confusing to grasp this poem. The narrator wants a chance to prove himself worthy and a hero?
As RyuCevenost said on the grammars mistakes. There no point in telling you twice.
But honestly this is a great piece despite the grammar, which can be easily fixed. You a finely skilled writer, but you need to slow down some. Proof read and it helps to read your work around, you catch errors you wouldn't reading it in your head.
I look forward to reading more of your work, that means your will have to keep writing or I will be disappointed.

User avatar
624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Thu May 28, 2015 11:03 am
Casanova wrote a review...

Hey! Ryu(southbound) Cevenost here, to give you a review! I have a few things to say.
1) I really didn't understand what this poem was meant to clarify or describe. It used a lot of words that I really didn't think belonged together, and it doesn't seem as if it is going in any certain direction. Like the last few lines,"I do not require recognition as the Pandavas, In this treacherous cruel world, That judges ones capabilities bycaste, There chance is limited to nobles, Father Sun, enlighten this world." I really don't understand exactly what any of this is trying to accomplish, but that is just me.
2)There is a lot of misspelled words, non-grammatically correct usage of pronouns(Example: There chance is limited to nobles, should be,"Their chance is limited to nobles), and it is all just confusing and was kind of hard to read.
I do not mean to be rude or mean, but this is just my thoughts.
In conclusion, if you could explain all of these words you are using that some of us may not know(EXAMPLES:Pandavas, Bycaste, What is Father Sun?) or use different words that would be easier understood, and fixed your misuse of pronouns and spaces, and worked on your spelling, this would be a lot better of a poem and of a literary work. As I said, I'm not the brightest bulb in the pack, so I could just not be getting what it is supposed to mean, so don't take my opinion to heart.

sagnik says...

it is part of a hindu epic mahabharata

Casanova says...


As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda