I never like my name

Very, very dark, retrodisco666. Very dark indeed, and I enjoy every word of it.

We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then.

Odd title to go with an odd story. I love stories that can underexadurate something, and you did that very well. Great idea, great narration. I won't bother going into anything grammical, the other reviews have got it, but I will say a few more things about why your story catches my attention as a reader.
For one, the title. It's so informal, and when I started reading it, I thought I was still reading your introduction to the piece. It's very smooth, and while a reader might be thrown off by the fact that the title doesn't seem very professional or catchy, its very easy to read this story once you start.
You use the first person narration very well and keep the story somwhat smooth throughout, and you have to; when I saw how small the story was, I thought there was no way it could be as involving as it was.
The idea itself was very strong and left allot to the reader to think about. The fact that he killed the bullies is something that will get the readers to think, whether or not you push them towards it. The story has a underworded type of feel, for there is allot of things happening, but not much explaination, so the reader's imagination can just go wild.
Another thing is that almost everyone has been bulied at one point, so the subject of the story will hit hard with the majority of your readers, which is exactly what you want.
Finally, I'd like to add that the casualness of first person makes this story very approachable, and the story wouldn't work with any other point of view, so good job on deciding on first person and using it well.
Overall, a very intelligent, approachable piece that touches on a very strong subject and leaves the reader with lots of thoughts. Great job! Keep writing

I like this. I knew exactly what was coming, but yet my eyes widened as he shot Luke. It was a surprise. All the time I suppose I had been thinking he would just terrorise. Great work!

The only thing i think was a little off was the opening paragraph. I did like the 'after today, we will have another thing in common' part. that was cool! But th rest of it sounds a little stiff, like he is a kid learning English as a second language, and he doesn't know how to flow properly.
Don't take that as an insult! I just think it should be something like;

I never liked my name. What kind of a kid wants to be called Edmund? I think I was named after my Grandfather, Edmund Roberts. He got a bullet to the chest in the World War or something, but that hardly makes it a good name. He killed lots of people and I know that, after today, this is another thing we have in common.

Because it runs better? I don't know why, but when I first read it, I thought it said 'we will have both been killed' and so I thought the wording could be made clearer.

Excellent story, and I hope you continue it!

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!
This is a very imaginative short story. I hope.
Great job with the storyline and everything! This is very interesting and it shows how people can get pissed when those tormentors mess with kids that own guns.
LET THIS BE A LITTLE STORY FOR YOU BULLIES OUT THERE!

Nice!

You really made a clear vision of how edmund felt and the story would help any one under stand why he did it .

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed.
(it really made want to read it and i think thats what makes writing special because your writing made me want to read more )
"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then.
(this part really makes me feel for the kid because his mother sounds so loving but theres something etching him on and it makes you wanna know what [It makes me wanna know more about what this kid was dealing with])
The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering as ever. Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything
(this part makes me want to cry because described it really welll ande the inensity of '[but again what was etching him on what caused him to do this])
I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.
(the ending was like icing in this delicious 6 layer cake )

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed.
I like the intro, because you know somethings going to happen, and you want to keep reading to find out what and how... get the deets.
I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.

"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then.
Again, the way you ended this paragraph. I was like, Do what!!
The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering as ever. Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything. Why was he killing people becasue of a kick?

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.
I absolutly love the ending!

This is so amazing. I can not say i have not wished to get pay back at some bullies.
I liked the name thing. Great foreshadowing there! I loved it.

"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead."

I loved how real this was.

Yeh, i really liked it, could have a better title though i think.

thegilliangill wrote:Good luck for the contest
I'm going to review your work here

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed. Nice opening paragraph, pretty short but sweet!

I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.

"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. Drunken father is an interesting way to explain who the gun belongs to, but it doesn't sound quite right We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then. You seem to be jumping in and out the point, keep the killing bits together and the bullying bits together, the last sentence of this paragraph appears a stray, because it's not really relivant to the above one

The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering as ever. Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything.

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.

Altogether I really like the story, you just need to sort out the jumping to and from the two plots, and it is really good. I really like the beginning and ending, they tie in really nicely.
I hope to see more from you

thegilliangill wrote:Good luck for the contest
I'm going to review your work here

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed. Nice opening paragraph, pretty short but sweet!

I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.

"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. Drunken father is an interesting way to explain who the gun belongs to, but it doesn't sound quite right We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then. You seem to be jumping in and out the point, keep the killing bits together and the bullying bits together, the last sentence of this paragraph appears a stray, because it's not really relivant to the above one

The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering as ever. Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything.

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.

Altogether I really like the story, you just need to sort out the jumping to and from the two plots, and it is really good. I really like the beginning and ending, they tie in really nicely.
I hope to see more from you

Looks like the review parts are pretty much covered. Just thought I'd comment and say that I liked this. The ironic ending was kind of funny. And I mean that as a compliment.

Anyway, good story, good climax.
Keep writing!
~Crazy

First, I'm going to read as I review. I like it that way better, so I'd write down how I react, instantly.
...

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father #BF0000 ">(great grand father, you mean? If it is only the father, omit 'Great', so you wouldn't confuse the reader), Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed. #BF0000 ">(At first, I didn't quite catch what you meant in this sentence. Will it be better if you say: 'From now on, I know we'll have even more in commons' ? The word 'after today' was a little confusing, but maybe it's just me.

I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.
"Love you sweety. Have a good day" #BF0000 ">(Punctuation: Add a comma in the end of the sentence for quotation. And also don't make the M in 'My mother' a capital)My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. #BF0000 ">(AWSOME! I was taken aback by this sentence, excited)We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then.

The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson #BF0000 ">(Boring lesson after the other is better, I suppose), until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering #BF0000 ">(Lose the space between 'un' and 'flattering' and maybe you want to make the description a little clearer, as long as you've mentioned it. Why unflattering?as ever. #BF0000 ">(New paragraph. This one is very long, you could lose your reader's concentration)Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. #BF0000 ">(Another new paragraph. It would be better if you let the kicks alone in a whole paragraph to emphasize their effects on you)I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. #BF0000 ">(MAybe it's because I like guns, but seriously I love this part!)I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. #BF0000 ">(Perfect. You got our attention. You character is right to the point!)The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything.

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.
"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.
"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.
.....

Oh my dear loving god! What on earth was that? It was exciting, simulating and even inspiring because I also write an action novel. You got me attached and if this is going to be the beginning f your novel, it's going to be gold!
Go on, girl!

Hey disco!

Okay, so I am not familiar with this contest, but I am guessing this is a dark humor contest? In any case, I can't see this story as anything else besides dark humor... it's certainly not serious. It's not researched enough to be serious. And besides, you have the set up at the beginning, you have the exaggeration of the whole bullying scene (kick, kick, kick), and finally you have the punch line at the end. It's a dark humor, mind you, but dark humor can still be funny.

So! What you're going to want to do is inject a bit of small details. Why? It's the small details that make things funny. It's like the link... why did he stab him 37 times? And then the hands? It's kind of ridiculous, but it's the details that really make it funny! In a sick way, but funny nonetheless! It's kind of like in Dr. Strangelove, when the guy "rides" the nuke bomb and screams, "Yeehaw!" wearing his cowboy hat. Absolutely ridiculous! But it's that detail... the cowboy hat... what he says... that really makes it funny, even if it essentially destroys the world.

If this is supposed to be serious... lose the humorous punchlines and research the psychological effects on bullying and what makes someone mentally unbalanced. Then write it. Right now, your character just doesn't seem like he would do this. And yeah, I know most school shootings "nobody could have guessed" what would have happened... but we have a special look on his brain and his profile doesn't fit any of the research I've looked up. He would be more likely to hurt himself or commit suicide than shoot anyone up.

Hi there.

and umm.. Wow. I did not expect that towards the beginning of the piece, haha. Nice job on keeping your readers on their toes.

I really loved the opening... nice introduction and character development in that short time. I also think how you introduced the gun into the story was quite abrupt, but was well done. I would consider bringing up more emotional turmoil into the character.
This is done in the first person. Your character absolutely hates these bullies. Enough to kill them. But there are only a few mentions to them before the, um, incident. I would concentrate more on that, to further develop his hatred towards them, what makes them kill-able, less than human to him. And I'm assuming that the main character is a psychopath. So, I'd either tag him as being completely obsessive about the situation, or just completely cold. No in-between.
This is, of course, just my opinion about the main character's thoughts and personality. It is fine as you have it, I just feel that the character could be improved, and the emotions more developed.
I also felt that there could be a bit more detail. Perhaps not, um, gory detail necessarily, but the way that he was being bullying, alongside emotional description for him. His actions were motivated by emotion, so they too should be a main character in your story.
Also, the title "I Never Like My Name" implies that the name changes at some point, that no matter what name they have, they never like it.

Overall, I thought this was quite a good piece... it's an interesting topic, starts and ends at a good point, and is written well. I think that with some more emotional description it could be greatly improved, but it is already good as-is.
Nice write!


-Coral-

R3G@N Here! Corrections in #FF0000 ">red
Things I like in #00BF00 ">Green

retrodisco666 wrote:*For Skins contest*

#FF0000 ">Title should be: I Never Liked My Name

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my #FF0000 ">great father Great grandfather?, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common,#BF0000 ">I think that should be a new sentince > we will both have killed.

I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.
"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that#FF0000 "> instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun #FF0000 ">instead Get rid of <That one.. We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I#FF0000 "> have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing #FF0000 ">has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they #FF0000 ">have been tearing it down ever since.
#FF0000 ">That line could be like that v

We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then. #FF0000 ">Make all of those past tense.

The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor.
#FF0000 ">Not much longer now.

I took my seat near the back of the hall #FF0000 ">with and or where instead.those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as#FF0000 "> un flattering I think it should be a - or one word. as ever. #FF0000 ">Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying#FF0000 ">make a period and capitolize> all I could concentrate on#FF0000 ">, <Don't needwas the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. #00bf00 ">A red mist descended over me then,#FF0000 ">and I was just shooting everything.

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.
"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.
"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.

I really liked this. It is essentially a very dark and disturbing story, but told in a light hearted and almost comic way. It tells of the termoil suffered by people who are bullied constantly and brings up important issues about schools' attitude towards bulying, but the great thing is, that's not what makes it a brilliant short story. The thing I like about it is that if this was written in a different way, it could be a very sad story, but it's not. I can't really put my finger on it but something about this piece is just darkly funny. Maybe it's just the great rythum of the writing.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with choked up words

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.

Hey retrodisco
Good luck for the contest
I'm going to review your work here

I never liked my name. What kid wants to be called Edmund? I am named after my great father, Edmund Roberts, a soldier in some war or something. I know that after today, we will have even more in common, we will both have killed. Nice opening paragraph, pretty short but sweet!

I pulled my bag onto my shoulder and got out of the car.

"Love you sweety. Have a good day" My mother yelled after me. I just raised my hand, not bothering to turn around. Little did she know that instead of my physics and math books I had my drunken fathers gun instead. Drunken father is an interesting way to explain who the gun belongs to, but it doesn't sound quite right We all know that bullying isn't easy for any kid, all schools say that they don't tolerate it. I have been to my headmaster twelve times about it and nothing has been done. I never liked my stupid name. It was the start of all this. They found a hole in my defense wall and they have been tearing it down ever since. We had an assembly at twelve fifteen, I would do it then. You seem to be jumping in and out the point, keep the killing bits together and the bullying bits together, the last sentence of this paragraph appears a stray, because it's not really relivant to the above one

The day seemed to lag horribly after that. Lesson after boring lesson, until finally it was time. Jack and Luke were stood by the doors of the hall, I knew they were waiting for me, to taunt me even more. I tried to hurry past them, but I still ended up on the floor. Not much longer now. I took my seat near the back of the hall with those two sat directly behind me . . . just as planned. Miss Wilson stepped on to the stage. Her trouser suit as un flattering as ever. Kick, kick, kick kick. In the back of my chair. Over and over again. I wasn't even listening to what Wilson was saying all I could concentrate on, was the kicks. I slowly put my hand into the bag and felt the cold handle of the gun. I looked down and gave a quick check to make sure it was loaded. It was. My finger found it's way to the safety and flicked it off. The next kick and they are dead. . . . . Kick. I stood up fast pulling it from my bag. I pointed the gun straight at Luke's head and fired. The gun warmed up in my palm. Screams filled the hall, but they weren't loud enough to cover up the second bullet fired at Jack. A red mist descended over me then, I was just shooting everything.

I think I killed twelve people that day all together excluding the one member of staff.

"Why did you do it Edmund?" My mother asked me through teary eyes with chocked up words.

"I never liked my name" was my response as I climbed into the prison van.

Altogether I really like the story, you just need to sort out the jumping to and from the two plots, and it is really good. I really like the beginning and ending, they tie in really nicely.
I hope to see more from you