Love and Coffee *temporary title*

The over-crowded cafe hummed with conversations. Some were somber, others not so much. I looked around the corner from where I sat in a faded brown chair, holding a cup of strong black coffee and a well read copy of The Passion by Jeanette Winterson by my side. I looked at the world weary people walking in from the beating rain, shaking slightly like a dog before ordering their drinks. People talking to people for that one moment, that one moment will only last for as long they intend it to. In reality, there is no past, no future; only the present moment.

You set the environment with this paragraph. I can easily see in my mind the MC, sitting on a chair, being bored and staring at people. I changed some of the words around because they sounded wierd. For example, at the beginning I changed 'from' to 'with'. The second sentence was what really griped me though. It had so much detail but was so long. You can make it work in a single sentence, but I suggest breaking it into two. For example, "At my side rested a well read copy of The Passion by Jeanette Winterson."

Minutes passed and I stirred my drink. I pulled out the spoon and put the wet end of the scattered sugar on the table, grains caught in lovers carvings. Some clinging relentlessly to the M in Mary. Mary and Thomas. I couldn't help but wonder when this was written. Were they still together, or not? Did they now live in London with two girls, Emily and Claire, Claire likes to swim whereas Emily is fond of the clarinet. On sunday's do they take the car and go to their grandparents house on their mother's side? I would never know....yet, I couldn't help but contemplate anything else. A woman burst through the door, dragging my focus to her. She wore a moleskin coat, cream color, with matching gloves. She pushed her dark brown hair out of her face, and it fell, wearily, to her shoulders. She put her hand into her pocket and pulled out a small, silver purse and made a start for the counter. There was only a small line, in fact just one man.

The tense changes from past to present (I sat in the first paragraph and now I am stirring). I changed everything to the past tense, just for consistency's sake. The underlined part is a very good description, but hard to understand. "Put the wet end of the scattered sugar on the table" what? Did you mean the spoon's wet end? The next two parts when you talk about Mary, Thomas, Emily, and Claire are also a tad bit confusing, mostly because you introduce them out of the blue and we have no knowledge of them.

"Hello miss, what can I get for you?" The man had already been served and was waiting for his order to be made, she smiled weakly at him before turning to the worker.

"Large black black what? Coffee? Tea?please, two sugars," He nodded and punched it into the machine.

"Three pounds fifty-five pence please." She zipped open her purse and began sifting through her money. She was counting minimal change into her hand; she was obviously not one who usually deals with small change.

You have two words that end with -ly. So I suggest changing usually to often.

"I'm sorry, can you change a twenty?"

"Sorry," he said genuinely appologetic. You may want to add some dialouge here where the cashier says that he actually doesn't have enough change or that the bill is too big.The man piped up next to them.

"I'll get that for you." He smiled at her, she caught his eyes and dipped her head slightly. She didn't seem to know how to react.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am." He plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. He slid it over to the man who swiftly deposited into the register. They seemed to linger for a moment, neither sure what to say. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a drink being pushed across the counter towards him. He picked up his drink and scurried out of the shop, I watched him round the corner. He was gone. I looked back to the woman. She wore dissapointment across her face. Her back then turned to me, she was just going to wait for her drink and go I imagined. I looked down at the table, Mary and Thomas glaring back at me. Can love happen over coffee?

You describe an awkward moment perfectly. Just needed to let you know. Also, I still don't know who this Mary and Thomas are. Did a paragraph accidentally get omitted? Or are they characters from The Passion and I don't understand the reference because I didn't read the book?

I seemed to drift back out into my reality, and thinking about what happened to Thomas and Mary now. Did Mary get offered a huge promotion and have to move Ireland, ripping the relationship in half? Did Thomas take up smoking and developed lung cancer and died after the birth of their third child Luke? Did they have a messy divorce and now Luke, Emily and Claire only get to see their dad every other wednesday? More questions spilled around my head before someone burst through the door again disrupting my focus; he had come back.

I looked straight to the woman, she now wore happiness. The man walked up to her, shaking slightly.

"H-hi. My name's Zack."

"Hey. Jenny," They smiled at each other for a moment, their chests rising and collapsing just as quickly. The thick smell of coffee complemented the moment perfectly. Was this how Thomas and Mary started? My spoon had now gone dry and the sugar had welded itself to the back of my spoon. I relentlessly began picking the grains off whilst Zack and Jenny talked together. After a while I listened in to their conversation; it was ending.

Yay, Zack came back.

"Oh right," Zack said, I had missed what this was in response to, "Would you go to dinner with me tonight?"

She smiled slightly, and bit her bottom lip slightly; her answer was yes. She nodded, and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a pen and wrote something on his hand, I imagined a phone number. She offered him the pen, as he took it she removed her glove and he scrawled something across the back of her hand; it had to be a phone number.

That's a bit wierd that a woman with that much money would so easily allow someone to write on her hand. Maybe it should be a napkin instead.

"I'll text you my address." She said. She picked up her drink, which she must have received during their conversation, and walked out. He stood their for a moment, then smiled excessively, then walked out in the direction he went originally. I smiled to myself and I came to some decions. Thomas and Mary had three kids and moved to London. Thomas worked as a lighting director in the west end, for various musicals, whereas Mary climbed the corporate ladder and became a hot shot business woman. Claire went on to go the Cambridge and studied Law, but was also a member of the swim team. Emily moved to Paris and became a musician and played across the globe. Both married and had children. Jonothan, unfortunately died as a child, but he would never be forgotten. They lived together happily well into their twilight years until they retired to Devon. They spent their final days watching the waves crash against the coast. They died with a month of each other.

I picked up my spoon and turned it in my hand, I grabbed the opposite end and began carving into the table: Jenny and Zack. Miracles could happen over coffee.

Is it that easy to carve that into a table? Wouldn't someone stop him if he was in a crowded coffee shop?

I left the coffee shop when my phone started to buzz in my pocket. I flipped it open, it was Alice, my girlfriend.

Hey Alice.

Yes I've chosen.

Well, I say let's do it.

Yes I'm serious.

Whenever you're ready. Tomorrow, next week, next year, whenever.

Yes I'm sure I want to move.

Yes but my life will be with you.

Oh and there's something else, will you marry me?

Yes I'm serious, I love you.

YES, that's excellent news! I'll be home soon.

Wait, you want to meet first? Okay, where?

Okay see you soon.

I flipped down my phone and walked back inside the shop smiling. Love and coffee seemed to work together perfectly, and always would.

Did you leave quotations out on purpose? If it was a conversation on the phone, I feel like you should put quotations. If they were texting their conversation, maybe you could leave the quotes off. I understand that these are just the responses he is giving, but it still feels unnatural.

I say the two biggest issues you have is punctuation and spelling. Other than that, try to describe the characters a little bit more, namely Zack. We get a feel of his personality, but not his looks.