Miles and Rivers

GOOD WORK! Just a couple of suggestions

The wooden door opened with a creak as Miles pushed it open. Rivers looked up from his desk and beckoned him to sit down. He edged into the room cautiously and perched himself on the edge of the seat, as if prepared to run at any moment. Nobody said anything for a couple of minutes. The sweet smell of tea leaves circulated the room. A cold Autum breeze swam through the open window causing Miles to shudder.

"Mr Miles, today I think we should talk about Captain Collins." The thought caused Miles to turn white. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. There needs to be a comma at the end of the speach

"Wha-what would you like to know?" His response was unwilling. His stammer had been a syptom from the shock, he was a prime example to the medical board that shell shock existed.

"Well. . .How did he die?" The only thing half suprising about his report is that he was the only one who reported back. He was second in command to Captain Collins. Thirteen men dissapeared, and only he came back. No-one knows what happened to these men so all were reported missing in action, so closure was needed. Miles eyes darted around the room, Rivers picked up his pen and wrote a single word on his pad; trapped.

"Shot. All of them -" He stopped. Rivers started making notes frantically as Miles gulped. He hands clutching together then apart. Rivers looked up and said nothing, he just met his gaze and then nodded. Comma here.

"W-we were making a raid on a German trench. We were to bring t-t-two Germans back for questioning. It was su-supposed to be a three minute job. We went over b-but they were too quick. The ca-captain went down first, his head. . . and," Miles jerked in his seat.

"Nurse, can we have a bucket in her!" River's yelled. A nurse ran into the room moments later and placed the bucket next to Miles. He snatched it up in his hands and threw up violently into the bucket. Rivers made a note of this. After a while Miles stopped, the nurse took the bucket and left.

"We can leave there today if you wi-"

"No!" Rivers looked taken a back, paused for a moment and gestured for him to continue. Miles looked into his hands then started talking.

"The Captain went down so I went to help him. I tried everything I could. I coul-coulddn't stop the bleeding, there was so much blood. When I looked all the men were dead. All of them, and not me . . .not me. The ground was so wet and the mud so thick some started to si-sink. A German came up grabbed Fawcett by his legs and started dragging him into their trench, I jus-just froze. Then Smith, then Morton, then - I blacked out."

"A common sign to do. Do you think this caused the shock?"

"Th-they were all just dead. I've let them down, I know I have, but I don't know how to fix it. I bet Collins would have been ashamed of me," Fullstop.

"I'm sure he wouldn't be, you did everything you could,"

"Not enough though," Silence. Rivers clicked his pen to show me he'd finished.

"Well we've made excellent progress today Mr Miles," Fullstop.

"Than-Thank you si-sir," Rivers placed his pen neatly next to his pad. The lines scrawled with black memories. Miles stood up and turned to face the open window. The curtains dancing in the autum breeze.

"Yo-you know what scares me most, sir?" Rivers clicked his pen causing Miles to flinch.

"Them knowing, no-not about us lot, up here, a-about the truth," Miles turned cautiously and met his gaze.

"What do you mean Mr Miles?"

"Well, yes-yesterday the leaves of the oak, by the tennis courts, they fell straight down and collided with the ground. It reminded me of the . . ." The sound of River's watch filled the room. He sat there paitently for thirty seconds.

"Go on, Mr Miles," Fullstop.

Miles sighed,"Shells s-sir, and I thought that what if they knew, out there, what it was really like. They would nev-never get another recruit again." He looked again through the window and saw the caretaker raking leaves into piles, they reminded him of the dead. Cold and useless. Ugly and broken.

"And what do you think Captain Collins would say to that thought," He met Rivers again once more, and just left.
Good work darling keep going.

Hey,

If one opens a door it opens. Not that riveting! So, I’d change the beginning sentence because blah blah blah it’s the beginning sentence, it’s supposed to be blah blah blah. Yeah? And while I like the trend of where it’s going (door –creaking– open; so, kinda suspenseful, yes? Active? Interesting?), it’s not entirely original, a door creaking open. I mean, the phrase. Just gets used a lot.

Ok, so he says it out loud, why turn it into a thought? Perhaps make him think more deeply about that Captain in the very first; or tell us that he is. Now looks odd.

Ok so I like that Rivers is clearly in charge of the situation from the start – by beckoning and asking the questions, and Miles stuttering when answering him. So, characterization, fabulous, and I love it. And as everything I like, I want more =) So maybe make it even more so, emphasize it, in body language – for example – dunno, Rivers relaxed posture, or whatever?

But then he starts to make ‘frantic notes’. So I’m getting mixed vibes from Rivers? Hmm, I don’t know, I’d go for that posture, for a calm voice, a level gaze.

The stuttering works for Miles. And here I’d too explore around his fear, translate that into body language. Of course not every tiny little thing, but some, just here and there. I think that maybe he’d be a more harder if he’s to look more authentic as that sort of war-damaged – and bc he’s the one talking all the time. But there’s a clue in that? Does talking heal him? Maybe make him even more talkative? Like, let him ramble a bit, not just give out the bare essentials? More of a reaction to his own words, but that’s below.

You’ll notice that I’m not asking you to change the bases, and that I’m saying that I like them, the main lines – so much that I want even more details around them. So you have their basic respective characters, but try to emphasize them more? Maybe if it helps write caricatures of them (well, in terms of characterization), and then tailor down to what’s appropriate? I sometimes do that,

Usually when writing something down, etc., go into italics. Makes it stand out more and just in generally done. Colon before it, no semicolon.

Yeah, so, grammar? The names. Miles, so Miles’ hand; River, so River’s voice. And then dialogue punctuation. Comma before a name, if addressing someone – blah blah, Mr. Miles

Oh so he’s throwing up – just that general term – and then in the netx sentence is done. C’mon, more gore, I didn’t really feel for him, I was like, OK, he’s throwing up. But y’know, empty phrase? I mean, more gore.

A common sign to do?

I liked your characters! And their names hah. They're - fun. And the scene being explained in the end, the interview-like part – very nice.

Oh look you have a River among your critiquers! Just scrolled down.

Have a nice day,
Esme

Okay its an excellent piece of writing. But I am a bit confused about who is who...
What one is Miles- is he the reporter or is he the one with shell shock?
Same with Rivers...
But that would be my only thing.

This is brief but I hope it's helpful....
Harpo

I liked how you potrayed Rivers. That character made the story worth reading to me. My only critisims are that the story seemed a bit rushed. Just my opinion.

i agree with what is said from others about this

Fountainquill wrote:Just so you know, I haven't read Barker, so if any of my comments imply confusion because of that, I'm sorry. All rightey, let's get started! Comments in bold.

retrodisco666 wrote:

Spoiler

Hey, This is a coursework piece in which we had to add another character into the piece Regeneration by Pat Barker

The wooden door opened with a creak as Miles pushed it open Repetition of "open", rephrase. Rivers looked up from his desk and beckoned him Took me a second to realize you were referring to Miles, I think it would be better if you named him to sit down. He edged into the room cautiously and perched himself on the edge of the seat, as if prepared to run at any moment. Nobody said anything for a couple of minutes. The sweet smell of tea leaves circulated the room. A cold Autum Spelling and no need for capitalisation breeze swam through the open window causing Miles to shudder.

"Mr Miles, today I think we should talk about Captain Collins." The thought Comment, rather, unless you mean "at the thought of doing so" or something like that caused Miles to turn white. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Wha-what would you like to know?" His response was unwilling Reconsider word choice, doesn't really fit here. His stammer had been a syptom Spellingfrom the shock, he was a prime example to the medical board that shell shock existed. Um.. something like 'being shell-shocked' or something, it sounds awkward as it is

"Well. . .How did he die?" The only thing half Cut the 'half', redundant suprising about his report is Why the sudden change of tense from past to present? Stick to one. that he was the only one who reported back. Who is the 'he'? I'm confused. He was second in command to Captain Collins. Thirteen men dissapeared, and only he came back. No-one knows what happened to these men so all were reported missing in action, so closure was needed. Miles eyes darted around the room, Rivers picked up his pen and wrote a single word on his pad; trapped. Put it in italics or quotation marks or something then.

"Shot. All of them -" He stopped. Rivers started making notes frantically Why? He only said like four words... as Miles gulped. He "his"hands clutching together then apart. You can join these last two sentences, it's too fragmented otherwise Rivers looked up and said nothing, he just met his gaze and then nodded.

"W-we were making a raid on a German trench. We were to bring t-t-two Germans back for questioning. It was su-supposed to be a three minute job. We went over b-but they were too quick. The ca-captain went down first, his head. . . and Put a dash or something to indicate an unfinished sentence" Miles jerked in his seat.

"Nurse, can we have a bucket in her Spelling!" River's yelled. A nurse ran into the room moments later and placed the bucket next to Miles. He snatched it up in his hands and threw up violently into the bucket. Rivers made a note of this. After a while Miles stopped, the nurse took the bucket Repetition and left. A very distanced, emotionless description, you're just telling me what happened. Show me, character insight, feelings, the setting, the smells and sounds, give me detail!

"We can leave there today if you wi-"

"No!" Rivers looked taken a back, paused for a moment and gestured for him to continue. Miles looked into his hands then started talking Full stop

"The Captain went down so I went to help him. I tried everything I could. I coul-coulddn't stop the bleeding, there was so much blood. When I looked all the men were dead. All of them, and not me . . .not me. The ground was so wet and the mud so thick some started to si-sink. A German came up grabbed Fawcett by his legs and started dragging him into their trench, I jus-just froze. Then Smith, then Morton, then - I blacked out."

"A common sign to do. Do you think this caused the shock?"

"Th-they were all just dead. I've let them down, I know I have, but I don't know how to fix it. I bet Collins would have been ashamed of me," Why the comma? You finished a sentence.

"I'm sure he wouldn't be, you did everything you could," Ditto.

"Not enough though," Silence. Rivers clicked his pen to show me he'd finished. Wait did you just switch person's here, from third to first?

"Well comma we've made excellent progress today Mr Miles,"

"Than-Thank you si-sir," Rivers placed his pen neatly next to his pad. The lines scrawled with black memories. Miles stood up and turned to face the open window. The curtains dancing in the autum breeze. Again watch tenses and liven this description up, you're still stating not telling, everything and everyone you're writing about is still flat.

"Yo-you know what scares me most, sir?" Rivers clicked his pen Commacausing Miles to flinch. Why would he do that if he can see Miles reacting the way he is to such sounds? Is he trying to make the man nervous? if so, why? Character development!!

"Them knowing, no-not about us lot, up here, a-about the truth," Miles turned cautiously and met his gaze.

"What do you mean Mr Miles?"

"Well, yes-yesterday the leaves of the oak, by the tennis courts, they fell straight down and collided with the ground. It reminded me of the . . ." The sound of River's watch filled the room. He sat there paitently for thirty seconds. I don't think you should be so exact with the time, doesn't sound right. Also, who is 'they'?

"Go on, Mr Miles," Again, comma, should be a full stop.

Miles sighed,"Shells s-sir, and I thought that what Cut the 'what' if they knew, out there, what it was really like. They would nev-never get another recruit again." He looked again through the window and saw the caretaker raking leaves into piles, they reminded him of the dead. Cold and useless. Ugly and broken. A tad too fragmented here again

"And what do you think Captain Collins would say to that thought," Isn't this a question? Where's the question mark?He met Rivers again once more, and just left.

Okay, loads of grammar and spelling mistakes you need to fix that shouldn't be here in the first place, as Lavvi before me pointed out. You also need way more character development - tell me what Miles is thinking when he's remembering the events, describe what being shell shocked is, what it means for your character, what Rivers is thinking about the stuttering man he is interviewing... and go in on this vein, make your story come alive. Its got great potential, but you still have a fair bit to do before it's perfect. Anyway, feel free to PM me if you want/need anything

Happy New Year!

~Quilly

Just so you know, I haven't read Barker, so if any of my comments imply confusion because of that, I'm sorry. All rightey, let's get started! Comments in bold.

retrodisco666 wrote:

Spoiler

Hey, This is a coursework piece in which we had to add another character into the piece Regeneration by Pat Barker

The wooden door opened with a creak as Miles pushed it open Repetition of "open", rephrase. Rivers looked up from his desk and beckoned him Took me a second to realize you were referring to Miles, I think it would be better if you named him to sit down. He edged into the room cautiously and perched himself on the edge of the seat, as if prepared to run at any moment. Nobody said anything for a couple of minutes. The sweet smell of tea leaves circulated the room. A cold Autum Spelling and no need for capitalisation breeze swam through the open window causing Miles to shudder.

"Mr Miles, today I think we should talk about Captain Collins." The thought Comment, rather, unless you mean "at the thought of doing so" or something like that caused Miles to turn white. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Wha-what would you like to know?" His response was unwilling Reconsider word choice, doesn't really fit here. His stammer had been a syptom Spellingfrom the shock, he was a prime example to the medical board that shell shock existed. Um.. something like 'being shell-shocked' or something, it sounds awkward as it is

"Well. . .How did he die?" The only thing half Cut the 'half', redundant suprising about his report is Why the sudden change of tense from past to present? Stick to one. that he was the only one who reported back. Who is the 'he'? I'm confused. He was second in command to Captain Collins. Thirteen men dissapeared, and only he came back. No-one knows what happened to these men so all were reported missing in action, so closure was needed. Miles eyes darted around the room, Rivers picked up his pen and wrote a single word on his pad; trapped. Put it in italics or quotation marks or something then.

"Shot. All of them -" He stopped. Rivers started making notes frantically Why? He only said like four words... as Miles gulped. He "his"hands clutching together then apart. You can join these last two sentences, it's too fragmented otherwise Rivers looked up and said nothing, he just met his gaze and then nodded.

"W-we were making a raid on a German trench. We were to bring t-t-two Germans back for questioning. It was su-supposed to be a three minute job. We went over b-but they were too quick. The ca-captain went down first, his head. . . and Put a dash or something to indicate an unfinished sentence" Miles jerked in his seat.

"Nurse, can we have a bucket in her Spelling!" River's yelled. A nurse ran into the room moments later and placed the bucket next to Miles. He snatched it up in his hands and threw up violently into the bucket. Rivers made a note of this. After a while Miles stopped, the nurse took the bucket Repetition and left. A very distanced, emotionless description, you're just telling me what happened. Show me, character insight, feelings, the setting, the smells and sounds, give me detail!

"We can leave there today if you wi-"

"No!" Rivers looked taken a back, paused for a moment and gestured for him to continue. Miles looked into his hands then started talking Full stop

"The Captain went down so I went to help him. I tried everything I could. I coul-coulddn't stop the bleeding, there was so much blood. When I looked all the men were dead. All of them, and not me . . .not me. The ground was so wet and the mud so thick some started to si-sink. A German came up grabbed Fawcett by his legs and started dragging him into their trench, I jus-just froze. Then Smith, then Morton, then - I blacked out."

"A common sign to do. Do you think this caused the shock?"

"Th-they were all just dead. I've let them down, I know I have, but I don't know how to fix it. I bet Collins would have been ashamed of me," Why the comma? You finished a sentence.

"I'm sure he wouldn't be, you did everything you could," Ditto.

"Not enough though," Silence. Rivers clicked his pen to show me he'd finished. Wait did you just switch person's here, from third to first?

"Well comma we've made excellent progress today Mr Miles,"

"Than-Thank you si-sir," Rivers placed his pen neatly next to his pad. The lines scrawled with black memories. Miles stood up and turned to face the open window. The curtains dancing in the autum breeze. Again watch tenses and liven this description up, you're still stating not telling, everything and everyone you're writing about is still flat.

"Yo-you know what scares me most, sir?" Rivers clicked his pen Commacausing Miles to flinch. Why would he do that if he can see Miles reacting the way he is to such sounds? Is he trying to make the man nervous? if so, why? Character development!!

"Them knowing, no-not about us lot, up here, a-about the truth," Miles turned cautiously and met his gaze.

"What do you mean Mr Miles?"

"Well, yes-yesterday the leaves of the oak, by the tennis courts, they fell straight down and collided with the ground. It reminded me of the . . ." The sound of River's watch filled the room. He sat there paitently for thirty seconds. I don't think you should be so exact with the time, doesn't sound right. Also, who is 'they'?

"Go on, Mr Miles," Again, comma, should be a full stop.

Miles sighed,"Shells s-sir, and I thought that what Cut the 'what' if they knew, out there, what it was really like. They would nev-never get another recruit again." He looked again through the window and saw the caretaker raking leaves into piles, they reminded him of the dead. Cold and useless. Ugly and broken. A tad too fragmented here again

"And what do you think Captain Collins would say to that thought," Isn't this a question? Where's the question mark?He met Rivers again once more, and just left.

Hi Retrodisco! Lavvi here to review. This is going to be brief as I'm only really looking at your technical issues.

One major thing you need to fix is your dialogue. Here's a good post about proper dialogue punctuation. Especially pay attention to the middle of your piece and the dialogue punctuation there.

Another is your spelling. A simple read-over or spell-check doesn't take too long nor does reading it aloud. This way you can catch errors that might have been only typos. Here's one that I found in your piece:

A cold Autum breeze swam through the open window causing Miles to shudder.

Yay a post in H.F! My favorite forum. ;D

Daydreamer here and I really liked this piece.
It was an interesting look into a side of the war that hasn't really been written about as much as others.
Your characters were okay but weren't very detailed. Who was Rivers? A psychiatrist, an social worker taking Miles's case?
Also I found it a bit strange that Rivers calls Miles "Mr. Miles". Depending on your answer, if he was a war vet wouldn't he be calling him by his military status ie; Pvt, Lt, etc. That's just me and my opinion and I may be completely wrong about it.....
I did think you succeeded in creating a realistic sense of post-traumatic stress. The scene where you describe Miles becoming sick to his stomach and vomiting into a bucket while describing that day's events was effectively moving. I felt such pity for him after reading that. I also liked the stammer you gave him, it added a realistic effect to the nervousness Miles would have felt as did so many others during and after the war.
I think that's what moved me the most about this, that this probably actually happened somewhere back in time.
Well done overall!
-daydreamer