The small blue phone rumbled loudly against the dresser. Charlotte snatched it quickly to her ear and was sat upright straight away. She had been expecting news.
"Hello, is that Mrs. Thompson?"
"Speaking."
"Err, hello Mrs. Thompson this is Nurse Bayliss from the hospital. . ." Silence filled the room. fter a long pause Charlotte spoke again with a shaken cracked voice.
"What's happened?"
"The. The doctor says the medication has been rejected and hav-"
"For the love of god what's happened!" she had cut her off mid flow.
". . .She's been given an hour or two to live Mrs. Thompson."
"I'll be there in half an hour." She slammed the phone down on to the dresser and leapt out of bed.
The drive to the hospital was the longest it had ever been. The suphuric streetlights danced with the rain drops on the window causing a nostalgic aura. Charlotte stared ahead, watching her world pass her. She shakily moved her hand to the radio for a distraction. Katy, her beautiful daughter's Cd was in. Taylor Swift, The Best Day came singing out of the radio. Charlotte turned it off within seconds. Her fingers gripped tightly against the wheel, her knuckles whitening from the pressure. A sign for the Northern General hospital was up ahead. It was nearly time.
Charlotte was sprinting to the ward, up the three flights of stairs and to the nurses station. The nurse noted that she'd arrived and gestured her to her mothers bed.
"Hey mum."
"Hey baby girl." Charlotte looked upon the withered old woman and recalled a much happier time, when she had long red hair which she was adament was strawberry blonde. To when she used to run every other day. The woman she now saw was dancing with death, and the song was nearly over.
"How is Dannyl?"
Oh he's fine mum."
"Katy, Cleo and Zac?"
"Yes mum, they're all great and all wishing you well."
"Good. Good." She coughed horribly spluttering blood onto the hospital sheets. Charlottes face became damp with tears.
"Nothing to worry about sweet." Her mothers smile had remained the same. Kind and welcoming.
"Charlotte, can you remember when you were eleven years old and you were about to start secondary school?"
"Yes, of course I can mum." She was now truly crying, tears slid down her white face and dripped into her lap.
"And what did I tell you on the first day?"
"That what will happen, will happen and there's no point fretting over it."
"that's right. Remember that baby girl. Remember that."She lifted her right hand and offered it to charlotte. She cupped it and lowered it to the bed, holding it tight.
"I love you Char."
"I love you to mummy."
"You only ever called me mummy when you wanted something. What d'ya want?"
"For you not to go."
"Sorry my sweet little baby." She slowly lifted Charlottes hands to her lips and gave her the last kiss. She put their hands back and slowly closed her eyes.
"No. No mum don't!" She implored. But it was too late; she was dead.
End of chapter
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138,055 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I enjoyed your piece. I would try and describe the look of the patient, the blood on the sheets (tie it into some theme in the future of the book, crimson; resembling pain, death, lack of dreams or something) and then the death was so blunt. If there wasn't a reason for the bluntness I would enjoy seeing it described more poetically, almost heroically, as a mother of the main character. Overall, quick syle; great! Keep writing this, I love it
I liked this overall, but you have punctuation, grammatical, spelling, and capitalization errors that need to be fixed.
Overall, this could use a lot of restructuring and some more thought.
I liked the dialogue and your descriptions - they were beautiful! But maybe add in the "her beautiful daughter" part later, where you're mentioning the Taylor Swift CD. That can be added in a later chapter, and seeing as this is just the prologue it's definitely not important just yet and not needed whatsoever.
But keep on writing and I will keep on reading! =)
Okay, my main critique would be, like the previous reviewer, the dialog. I just can't see the characters saying these things. The very first telephone conversation between the nurse and Mrs. Thompson (which you should change to "Ms." Thompson because obviously she isn't married) is very difficult to follow. Try throwing in their names here and there: "said Ms. Thompson," "said the nurse." The reader needs calibration. "She had cut her off mid flow" only adds to this. Really try to avoid using two or more noun-replacing pronouns in the same sentence (i.e. he, she, her, it) when they are describing different objects or people. Say instead, "Ms. Thompson cut her off mid flow" or "she cut the nurse off mid flow."
Secondly, you make a habit of not capitalizing nicknames. Remember that "Mum" and "Mummy" should still have capital M's.
Taylor Swift. Get rid of it. Avoid any reference to pop culture in any serious story.
My last suggestion. Read carefully through this piece OUT LOUD. Make sure the sentences sound flowing to you. Make sure you capitalize where you need to. Really pay attention to how the piece affects your emotions. If it sounds lacking in any part, add some more in. I don't want to give any specifics, but I feel you could really make this more emotional.
Yeah, that's about it. I hope you find this review helpful!
I'm viewing your story on my phone right now so i'm going to make this review quick. So if it comes across rude, i'm sorry, i'm not trying to be.
The first thing I think is the dialogue. It seems cinematic and unrealistic. Which, in my opinion, that type of dialogue isn't out of place when it comes to a death of a character. But, since this is the first chapter and all the dialogue seemed like it, I would personally change it or see what I can do to make it seem more real and not like a movie.
Other then some mispelled words and some typing errors I think you did really well and would like to read more.