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Hi,
I think your poem slightly lacked enthusiasm both verses were similar to each other and the poem lacked in rhythmic flow, you could have changed the words you used to make it more effective and keep the reader engaged. It started to drift into more of a story than a poem.
I liked the last line because it left the reader thinking and was kind of mysterious. I like that the poem was very realistic in the sense that society makes teens have to act this way for attention and overall your point came across well.
Hey, raised by wolves, I'll try to cut-to-the-chase and give you my two-pence on this piece.
My first impressions were that it was a fair poem, expressing a sentiment that's prevalent in society, the need to be 'perfect' - that I can't fault, it's a fair point to be made, and I commend you for trying to hit that nail on the head.
However, despite your topic choice being so full with potential, I feel like the poem fell-flat when it was trying to express the aforementioned notion.
The form of the poem, while I agree with the previous reviewers can be shortened and split (see the example that GeeLyria gave), I also see why you didn't do that. The tone throughout the first stanza is of the speaker's insecurities and how she's trying to overcome them: make-up; hair; a man's comforting words. As the second stanza rolls in, the tone shifts and she's 'put-in-her-place' so to speak, nature dictates its course and ruins the artificial shell that the speaker has tried to create. The splitting of this part of the poem from the first part certainly makes the tonal change more obvious, but sometimes subtlety is an art better appreciated. Personally, I sit on the fence, not swinging either way - it's really your artistic license how you want to portray the poem.
That said, I found the language hit below it's mark. The words, in my opinion, are only as deep as the surface on which they're written on. They don't leave an impression in the reader's mind, but rather only on the paper that they're written on. What I'm trying to say is that I don't see no allegory, imagery, or anything that will get the fruit of my mind rolling. I appreciate that you're probably going for a more realistic approach to poetry, but even still, Robert Frost and Edward Thomas had this same approach and they still had to include some imagery to be taken seriously as poets.
The poem also lacks a coherent pace, or meter. It doesn't detract from this piece, so I won't ramble on about it, but it's just something to consider for the future.
Overall, I thought the poem was decent, but has major room for improvement. As others have suggested prune it a little - add some imagery here, edit the punctuation there, maybe think of adding some imagery to greater emphasise the burden she feels.
Hope this helps, if you have any additional questions/queries don't hesitate to message me!
Hello, welcome to YWS! Your poem looked lonely so I thought I'd drop by and give it some attention
Specifics
1. The title. I think you can do better than that - it's a little too ordinary and obvious. Why not keep perfect but choose an adjective to go with it - what impression do you want to give your readers from the beginning? Awaiting Perfection? Or Perfection-in-Progress? Something that has a bit more of a kick to it and is going to grab a reader's attention.
2. At the moment these lines are very prosey and they're not telling us much beyond the words themselves. You should try to express the persona's emotional state through the lines themselves. If she's a little unhinged or unstable, a little bit frantic and worries, then maybe pick up the pace and make the lines feel frantic. Maybe muddle things up a little and how does she do these actions? Does she scrub furiously, spread the make-up on with a trowel. Give your reader some interesting images so that they can picture the scene and so that the lines and therefore the poem stick in their mind.
3. I like GeeLyria's suggestions to break the stanza's up a little and put more emphasis on the character's uncertainty of her perfection. That would really help with readability and building tension!
Word Choice
Choose your words more carefully. A lot of the language here is very standard and feels like it's the first word that came to your mind. Instead you should sit and think about what word fits best. Maybe it's the sound of the word or the meaning. Maybe it's a combination, which is even better! Let's look at a couple of your lines as an example:
I don't think ruin is the right word, though I like the alliteration. But ruin is too mild and doesn't feel destructive enough. Maybe 'ravish' would fit here because it also has the suggestion that the rain is a better lover than the boy who's supposed to meet her or that she's going out there because she's desperate to have someone or something pay attention to her. I'd also change the word 'pretty' as that doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. Your earlier stanza has revealed she's prettying herself up so you could have a word here that instead gives a hint of how she feels about the make-up. Maybe she thinks of it as 'fragile' or 'fake'?
Overall
Good theme and a nice start! You need to be a little bit more careful with your word choice and finish making that transition from prose to poetry, but this has potential! You're coming up with the right ideas and that's the most important part. The rest can be edited to perfection!
Good luck with this and feel free to ask me any questions,
Heather xx
Hi raised!
I am GeeLyria and I am here to review fo you. But first I want to welcome you to YWS! I really hopr you enjoy it as much as I have. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Hm. I like this poem, you definitely have the potential to be a great poet.However, this one piece can get quite coffusing sometimes. But it's not what you said, it's how you organized it. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to explain my point, so I will show you what I mean.
These are your first lines:
I think it would be more organized that way. Ooh. Got it. I think I now know how to express it! Make it simpler and easier to read, you can do that editing the punctuation and creating more stanzas. This is important, because if your readers have to start all over again, we want it to be because they liked it too much, not because they are confused. Also! If you noticed, I wrote the "Gotta be perfect" line in italics because I thought that might've been the character's thoughts while she was doing all those stuff you mentioned. Can you tell that it looks more professional now? :]
And I want to mention this other part:
I think quoting what people said helps too.
There's my grain of sand. I really expect to see more of your works really soon! Keep writing!
~GeeLyria