This Fight

I'm just going to echo most of what your first reviewer said. People who like poetry read like millions of poems in their lifetimes, and yet in just the past three days I've come across three different poems about cutting. It's a common topic. It's a common experience. I don't read poetry to hear the same thing over and over again, just like you'd hate to hear your teacher say the same thing over and over in class. Repetition is fun sometimes, but not that fun when it drags on. You can tell the same joke too many times.

So what I'm saying is that I've heard this in this way too many times: this battle against the urge, the hollowness, the gauntness, the betrayal.

What made you want to write this? Like, I think this would help you if you literally just sat down and wrote the answer to this question in plain prose. Why did you want to write this poem about cutting? Did you want to tell someone what it felt like? Did you want to write it so you could see the turning point where he betrayed you? Did you want to communicate the battle, but the resolution in the end that she is not really defeated?

Take what you want to write about, and actually write about it. Make that your focus. Make every word of the poem come back to the tone and topic you want to write about. If it's redemption, you should choose gaunt over hollow, as gaunt can give a concrete image, of muscle wasted but still present. If it's about betrayal, you can choose hollow over gaunt, as it makes the reader try to feel their way to the back of the closet and never actually get there, makes them feel the betrayal.

Use words to your advantage. Don't say things in the first way they come to your mind. Try to find a harder way, a truer way.

I hope this was helpful in some way. If it's not, let me know and I will keep coming back until I can give you something to work with.

PM me or leave me a wall post if you want to talk or have questions.

Good luck, and keep writing!

This poem... the structure seems empty. Hollow. I don't know how else to describe it. I mean the way the lines join together without much punctuation. It's fine, and I can't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but honestly? I don't like that part about it.

I do think it's an accurate portrayal of the desperation of the teenage life. I know what it's like to want to spend time with someone and to have them not have time for me, so I wanted to feel along with that stanza. It didn't really hit home, though. It's the same reason the lines feel hollow. Something about the structure feels off. That stanza is something I identify strongly with, but it didn't really make me feel anything.

I like how you emphasized "louder" with caps, but I think it's overkill. Maybe use bolded letter for louder, and then capitalize "Do it!"? Then bold "They don't care!" again.

Overall, this is a promising poem. It's just lacking something. I feel bad saying that, but it's there.

Thanks for sharing your work! I know you can do it. No matter what I just said, I know you can be a great writer. Keep writing!

Hollowed and gaunt [,]
the girl of sixteen smiles [ - ]
they can see it in her eyes [What is this "it?"]
flat and broken [This image sticks out to me...not knowing what 'it' is yet, 'flat' seems like an odd description of...well, nearly anything.]
in the bruises that lie beneath them [.]
she's trying to be strong
for everone that needs her to be [,]
but she's crumbling beneath the weight
a boulder crashing down on her world. [I found this ending to be a little melodramatic. Not only that, but it's not particularly flattering imagery, in the way that it really doesn't make us feel anything. It's too typical and almost too exaggerated to really have an impact.]

(Also, a side-note on the punctuation notes I made - these are strictly optional. I understand that a lack of punctuation can be a literary technique, and is one that I happen to like a lot in certain circumstances; that being said, I'm not sure how I felt about it in this poem, and you have to make sure that you can still encourage the natural flow of the words to go on without punctuation if you aren't going to use any).

She can't sleep through the night [,]
her eyelids a blank canvas for her demons [;]
her days are no better [-]
the screaming, the shrieking
happiness is just a word she's heard
"Mama, Daddy
that's enough"
Her whisper's lost within accusing glares.

[Again, this stanza was lacking impact - even more so than the first. It wasn't bad, but it definitely needs a little more uniqueness and depth, especially when you're exploring a topic that's been done so many times before.]

A vibrating phone [is] her only escape [-]
her love, her heart [,]
he'll save her from this mess she calls home![Get rid of the exclamation point; it rarely works in poetry, in my opinion.]
"Not today babe..."

She falls to her knees, weak
"Give in..."
the voice in her head whispers
getting louder, and louder, and LOUDER!
"DO IT!
Cut yourself, slice your wrists. THEY DON'T CARE!
It's over, I've won. You can't resist."

[Again, screaming teen-angst poem. Try avoiding cliche to create empathy.]

On her hands and kne[e]s
she curls up to weep.
it may take every last bit of her [,]
but she's still in this fight.



Well I'm glad that this ended the way it did, honestly. It felt a little redemptive, almost hopeful. Most of these end with the person dying, or otherwise ends on a negative note; I feel like this one concludes with the idea that there is the potential to break away from this life she leads.

That being said, I would really advise trying to truly make this poem (and this story) your own. This is a tricky subject because it's been done so many times before, and yet it still remains important and relevant and forever an issue. To make a poem like this stand out, you really have to approach it with a different angle.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xx