Tell Me Sweetheart

Hey there! I just noticed your username and I'm flipping out. Falling In Reverse fan, too? Oh my God, let's be friends.

I really liked your poem, dear. The message it implies is very important, in this time and day. I do hope that you're not really anorexic, though. xD It was rather repetitive, as Kyllorac said below, especially with the "tell me sweetheart" and the "are you just like me?"

Other than that, it was a nice poem. I liked it, and I hope others do too. Keep up the good work. c:

xx Ariel.

Hi there.

I like your take on this very serious issue. You have solid word choice.

There are, however, a few things I'd like to address in this poem.

First of all, I like "tell me what do you see? Is it insecurity?" But the first sentence ending in a question mark shouldn't end that way. It's a command, not a question. My suggestion is to end the first line in a period, making that the command, and then omitting "tell me." Taking out those two words will also improve the meter of those two lines.

"Can you stomach/ who's staring back at you?" I think that these lines need a little improvement. They sound a little strange to me. It doesn't sit in my mouth right. Perhaps make "Can you stomach" have more syllables.

"in front of you, for you to eat" strikes me as off. It seems a little redundant. However! If you put the second "you" in italics, and make it important, it would work. The way it is now, it reads, "Yes, of course the food is for her to eat. It's in front of her." But if you put emphasis on the "you," it would read "It's not just in front of her, she needs to eat it. It's for HER." It makes the whole line more important.

"until it's just infiinite sleep..." First, you've got an extra I in infinite. Second of all, get rid of those ellipses. It doesn't add anything to the line, and you've got to be very deliberate in everything you do when writing poetry.

"your skin stretched taught to keep them in" ooh. Nice line there. I think you could cut down on words here, though (and less words is usually better). You could easily change "stretched taught" to "stretching" or "straining" (personally, I like straining better out of those two). If there are fewer words in this line, it will scan better.

Punctuate the last stanza like this:
I'm looking in the mirror,
so let me ask you this...
Sweetheart, are you me?

the commas add more weight. Oh, and I took out that and because it didn't add anything. It seems clearer when they're there, too.

Good job. Keep writing. It was a pleasure to review.

I love the way you started the poem
Look in the mirror , tell me what do you see is it insecurity?
I love that, because i can relate to it, This is a really good poem , im just going to say what some people have told me, was that dont let people get lost in your typos or punctuation because when i read mine im like what are you talking about? But when i read yours i kinda understand more But i really did like this alot, im excited to read more.

The first thing that struck me about this poem is how repetitious it is. While repetition can be used to great effect, there needs to be a decent amount of space in between repetitions, otherwise each repetition sounds redundant. Right now, this poem has too little space in between repetitions, especially near the beginning, and so the repeated lines hurt the poem more than help it.

I would recommend cutting out one or two repetitions of "tell me sweetheart" and "are you just like me" because they are repeated the most often.

Another thing that caught my eye was the number of errors in this piece. You're missing quite a few commas, the line "I looks to me" looks like a case of a misspelled "it", and you used "taught" instead of "taut". All these little things add up to a large distraction from the poem, especially since this is so short.

I would recommend brushing up on comma rules and proofreading more carefully. The OWL at Purdue is my personal favorite resource for all things grammatical, and they have a really nice section on comma rules.

Overall though, you have a pretty interesting approach to the subject, which I liked. I would have liked it a bit more if you'd developed the separation between the narrator and their reflection a bit more instead of repeating certain lines and phrases, working on making the descriptions more vivid and less generic. Right now, the descriptions are a bit bare, and if you could make them more vivid and visceral, it would really go a long way in making this poem really hard-hitting.

We have a section in the Knowledge Base devoted to writing poetry, and there are several articles in there that deal with making your imagery more unique and vivid which you'll probably find helpful.