A Demon of Hearts

Hey Aise!

Shady here with your review!

the one's who haven't quite learned

No other girls sincerity

Hello,

I see you are a budding young writer! Let's take a look at your work.

Title: "Demon of Hearts"
This is interesting. I was expecting a gothic/emo and childish poem--you know, like many other poems out there. But nonetheless, I was intrigued, so I thought I'd continue.

Stanza 1: "Bow down, for she
she is above us all!
Just look at that beauty,
her mask of deceit.
Reach for her, strive for her
for she,
she is the ultimate prize!"

You immediately took command with the opening. Love it. The phrase "Look at that beauty" seems a bit childish. But in a sense, it reminds me of gossip when I was in high school. You know, the: "Omg, look at her, she is soooo Popular! OMG" Ya, know? Lol Anyways, I think the line "She is the ultimate prize" is quite awkward and doesn't fit. Unless...you were trying to indicate her being a "thing" because a "prize" is an inanimate object. So perhaps, because she is fake, she isn't real...making her an inanimate object..thus qualifying her to be a prize? Let me know your thoughts. I'm intrigued.

Stanza 2:"In the eyes of those-
the one's who haven't quite learned
how to hate her lies,
they tear down all in their way.
No other girls sincerity;
kind love, shy beauty,
can match her seductive-
her provacative nature."

I love the first three lines. People are fake and lie to please others and no one can see through that. You obviously must be talking from experience. This is a dead-on accurate description of some girls I used to go to high school with. "They tear down all in their way" seems like an awkward line. I like the idea behind it, so don't take it out, but I suggest you revise it.

Stanza 3: "A demon of hearts
for she,
she steals and devours them all.
Yet with a bat of her eyes,
and her sweet song of sin
she's hidden
from the accusing eyes
of a society who
can't help but fall in love with her lies."

I like how you brought the title into the poem. "sweet song of sin" is excellent alliteration. I'm quite impressed. However, I was not impressed with the last two lines. I expected more of a POW at the end.

Overall: I like the content. It reminds me of when I was in high school. I think you have just scratched the surface, though. Focus on rhythm and tone. I feel like you have something important and meaningful to say, but it is getting lost in the "clunky" form of this poem.

Good luck!

Overall, I really like the premise of this piece. It makes me think of the song "Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence. Just for the record, I mean that as a compliment, as that song resonated with me a lot in middle school. Anyway, there's some good lines in this piece, and I really like the last line.

However, I think it would be more interesting if you could show us this demon. Show us how she struts down the hallway, how she charms everyone she meets, how she seduces with just a simple touch. Then flip it; show us what she does to betray people, how they're still loyal to her, what made the speaker see this demon for who she really is.

On a secondary note, I wasn't a fan of the repeating of "she, she". It works okay in the first stanza, but in the last one it simply looks awkward. Also the "accusing eyes" line seemed strange. It seems like society is giving this demon a free pass, so who are they accusing? Is this referring to the speaker not being believed? If so, this might be worth exploring. If not, change the word choice.

Now I'll point out some lines I particularly liked and why.

Just look at that beauty,
her mask of deceit.

Yet with a bat of her eyes,
and her sweet song of sin

Interesting premise. I will work with it how you’ve intended it, but I think it would be an awesome exercise if your next poem were written from this Demon’s point of view. And not just shallowly, based on the same emotions as are in this poem, but with real effort: what does she feel and think? Don’t go to the first answer that comes to you. Don’t take the easy way. Dig deeper and see what you find.

Also, please proofread, ‘cause you should have used “ones” as a plural of one instead of “one’s” as a possessive AND provocative is spelled like that and not the way you’ve written it. That’s just a start. Put some time in polishing.

As for the current form, it’s interesting that you start with a “we”, a speaker for a collective. You say, “You all feel the same way I do”, but very quickly you separate the speaker from the rest, saying “they” haven’t learned how to hate her, and the “other girls” (not “we other girls”) don’t stand a chance. If you had to pick one point from which to speak about her, would you pick a “we” or a “they”?

To make this more effective, I’d say you also need to focus more on evoking emotion. Just saying “no other girls sincerity,/ kind love, shy beauty/ can match her seductive – /her provocative nature” brings out no image whatsoever. We have no anchor to hold us as we think about the points you bring up. Give us something. Give us something specific and we will know what you mean when you say she is provocative. Is it in the way she moves her lips? Is it clothing on her? Is it words, and if it is, how does she speak them and where does she speak them?

Give me more of this demon. You name her so strongly in the title, but in the poem it seems like she could just be some girl others have put on a pedestal. Is that her fault? I see no evidence of her provoking it in this poem. I know you say she devours hearts, but I don’t see her doing so, so she feels innocent to me. What is this sweet song of sin? What does it sound like? A canary made of metal? The sound of acid rain? Give me something to compare it to. That’s why we use metaphors and similes, because you’re describing an experience in your head (maybe in your life) and I have not been there yet, so you want to make sure I feel and understand it, right? Give me more!

PM me if you have questions or comments about this review, as I don’t receive notifications for replies to reviews. Good luck and keep writing!

This is an intriguing image with the narrator being a part of the people who seem to be worshiping this female. It is a little preachy because everyone is seduced by this woman, but I think that is one of the strong parts of this poem due to the context.

Using the repetitive 'she' blatantly, here, actually works because the second She can be read as more emphasized, like saying, "for she, (no seriously,) SHE... !" I like the use of capitalization, it is a nice rounded method that I prefer myself. You may want to consider capitalizing the pro-nouns like they do for the Christian God if you really want to get into the mellow-drama of worship.

Personally I don't quite understand how we get to the demon part of things considering we're introduced to this from the point of view of one of the worshipers and I think explaining one of the lies, like what she does once she has someone seduced, such as speaking lovingly about her ripping out someone's heart, would really bring a new element to this poem and show exactly how far people would go for her.

In this case it will really bring out the disgust and gore with the disconnect between the reader and the speaker if you write about something like suggested above instead of dancing around what she is lying about. It would also give you an option to not put in lies at all, and allow the reader to recognize the lies for themselves through use of connotation with words like 'rips' and how you used 'tear,' and 'devour,' but for me you really have to make more of a description of what is going on. Give me a scene that will scar my nightmares, please and thank you <3

I'm really curious if this is relating to Alice in Wonderland or the current series on TV about all of the fairy tales coming together in Storybrook. The connection is purely from "A demon of hearts" although I am not sure if the Queen would be considered of hearts in Alice in Wonderland. This is purely a curiosity of mine and if you don't want the association, perhaps you should change the wording? How, exactly, is this girl a demon of hearts aside from seducing men, does she eat them, does she kill people who don't love her, what else is there to this name? I think developing her more as a character and putting in a scene would make this poem gorily beautiful.

Hello there, I'm here to (try to) review your poem.

First of all, I do feel the need to let you know that I'm very, very far from being a poet myself, and therefore I will not talk about, well, anything, from an expert's point of view. I am also not a native English speaker, so I will not be bugging you about grammar matters either. What I am going to do, is to give you my honest opinion, as a reader of your writing. I hope you will find it useful.

I liked this poem. A lot. As in, so much that I came to review it.

It makes me think of music. For some reason, not quite as if I can hear it being sang.. More like, I can almost hear some not quite defined music playing in the background as I read the words. If that makes any sense at all.

The rhythm seems to be good - I can read it easily, it flows very nicely, and there isn't a part in which it seems shattered (that happens in a lot of poems I read, I must say).. It also gives me that dramatical, kind of ominous feeling. I especially like the last verse.
Your poem made me think, or at least to feel like I should be thinking. About how life goes, how people think, how deceitful feelings can be.. I can not tell if that was at all your intention, but in my book, if a poem makes me think and feel like that, it's a good poem.

So, all in all, definitely well done. I'll be looking forward to see more of your works, and do keep writing!
I hope I made some sense and didn't say anything wrong. I wonder what your inspiration is!

Kind regards,
Aria

Hey, Wolf Child! Hahaha! Well, since you're been raised from wolves, you won't mind me calling ya pup, right? Anyways, whatever it is I might label you, let me hip you up with a Chop-up!

So, my impressions first. When I first encountered the title, I thought the demon was someone of kindness and purity. But after-all that trickery, I found out that she's just the far opposite! This element of deceit you've posted on the title really becomes an evidence of the poem's content. Albeit my opinion, I still think that the title can be better. It's good, but not catchy enough for some readers. It needs to click, you know!

One thing I've noticed is the change of tone by the first and the rest of the stanzas. I think the first one is trying to persuade someone about the demoness, but then you just changed it to something more descriptive/narrative. A change is good, but it isn't very effective here. Try to check up on it, 'kay

Imagery-wise, you've got a crowning glory here The use of comparison and contrasting worked here best The technique rose up and became very noticeable in the piece.

Reach for her, strive for her
for she,
she is the ultimate prize!

can match her seductive-
her provacative nature.

A demon of hearts
for she,
she steals and devours them all.