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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello! Sarah here for a quick review!
Wow, I like this poem. A lot. Usually, I'm all for description and metaphors, but this poem seemed to interpret poetry entirely differently. The lack of description actually wasn't a weakness, as the rawness more than made up for it. I detect so many emotions behind this poem, which is promising. A lot of the time, a poet's initial feelings get lost behind flowery language. It was refreshing to have it practically shoved down my throat this time. xD
Now, this wouldn't be much of a review without constructive criticism, so on we go! I basically liked all of it, as it told a story without spelling it out, but I feel like the last sentence of the last stanza was weak. Maybe it's just me, because I know a previous reviewer loved it, but I felt like it was a bit anti-climatic. The rest of the stanza was perfect, but ending with "wretched, searing pain" seemed repetitive of the second stanza: "Does anyone know what having a heart leads to? It leads to pain." I am a fan of twist-endings, so maybe if you end it with something less predictable, it'll have more of an impact.
All in all, this impressed me. Consider my suggestion, but at the end of the day, it's your call.
Good luck!
Hello there.
I came to review your poem, though, as you probably don't remember, I am not a poet myself. I will, as always, do my best. I'm also not native English speaker, but if I find something that pokes me in the eye, I will let you know of it.
Firstly, I found the title intriguing, but not quite hooking. It made me wonder what it will be about, why such title and what does it really mean.. But it didn't give me shivers, nor made me think of anything but "oh, well, I wonder what that's about". I am not saying it should be dramatic and unbelievably poetical, but there could be something that would make a reader want to read it because of the feeling he/she gets, I believe.
Well, this is interesting, and I would say, rather unusual. There's no deep thoughts disguised in long, touching words - you even have swearing - yet it feels alright. I would, however, put the "teach me" in the line above, and leave just the "how to not give a fuck." As the last line. It's just me, though, and like I said, I'm no poet, so don't listen to me if you don't feel the same way.
This part is my favourite, I would say. It is dark, and heavy, and I believe people can relate - yet it is lovely, in its own way. One can't, of course, escape having a heart and experiencing emotions (if we are talking about regular people, that is), so there is that note of desperation, helplessness and silent screaming I feel here, and tha I like. Even though it may just be me.
Well, this is something I feel like I can relate to, and I believe it goes for many other people as well. There's nothing much really that I have to say here, other than that.
A character, interesting.. Perhaps if you'd put "pain in his voice", though? The word "hurt" seems to be repeated a bit too often in such short time, you see. I love this part too, though, it's rather enotional and also beautiful in its dark, sad way.
Here you start telling a story, more than just talking about feelings.. I didn't see it done well in much poems, I must say - but then, I don't read much poems anyway - yet you did it, in my opinion, pretty well. I like the rhythm in this one, I think you separated the lines perfectly.
So, I suppose she got hurt again, hurt by opening herself up and letting someone in. That wasn't said, as you know, but I guess, sine I got it, that you did a good job there, and it's far from necessary to bring in some heartbreaking, cheesy love story in the middle. Nicely done, avoiding that - people can rarely resist it, from what I've seen.
There isn't much I can say about this part of the poem either, really. Except for it being "briefest". I am not sure i completely understand this part, though.. I suppose it tells of what I mentioned before, how she remembers love and trust were good and sweet while they lasted, but hurt her in the end?
I like the very end of the poem, though. It is dark and painful and there are emotions in it, but it's not overdone.
All in all, very nice piece, I'm glad to have stopped by and read it. I hope this review helped you, at least a little.
Kind regards,
Aria~
"teach me hot now to give a f***"
I think you mean "how" instead of "hot" here. Also I feel like this phrase of "giving a f***" is a little bit overused. Maybe try another similar phrase but with slightly different wording.
"as you gasp and beg for breath"
Nice line, good imagery and it flows extraordinarily smoothly. Well done there.
"And oh the hurt in his voice!"
You usually have excellent imagery, but I want to have a little bit more, describe the boy's hurt in his voice. What does it sound like? Does it sound like the slow cackling of shattering glass? Or the broken and squeaky shrill of nails screeching on chalk.
"Giving a f*** is dead"
Nice line, I like the odd sort of way of imagery you put with that. Certainly out of the ordinary and not something I'd read everyday. Way to mix it up.
"running down the nostalgic lane"
Great use of the word "nostalgic," one of your small issues is that you usually don't use as wide of an array of exciting vocab words than you could. You need to add more lines similar to this one into your piece, with exciting words that create more powerful imagery. What can help this is by looking up one of these words in a thesaurus. So anything like, soft, washed, dead, hurt, bleed, cry gasp, pain" ya get the point. Try to find more exciting and interesting words to draw the readers attention in.
"of a wretched/searing pain"
excellent vocab use here and a good ending. Way to bring you big guns out at the end here and blast us away with this ending. Great writing here. With just a few touch ups this could be an amazing piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh