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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello
I love your poem but you have made mistakes like "as the trans get closer" I think there is a problem there. Your poem is excellent.
Hello and Welcome to your review!
Typo here.
This is an interesting poem and I love the imagery it has, it's extremely terrifying and beautiful. I feel like I'm a little lost on the meaning though or the intention of the poem. Why are they in front of a train? Why are they trying to pray? Why are they near their end? I feel like if there was more information and clarification on these things I'd get even more emotion from it. So what is the goal of the poem? I think that's what needs to be got at. Or is it just about death?
I'd suggest reading through it and fixing the punctuation and sentence structure. It's a little awkward in places, especially considering else where you do have proper punctuation. Here is one area I thought was a bit weird:
This is more or less all one sentence and if you take it out of the line breaks:
Lost, forever gone sanity has left me; going nowhere in this life...kneeling, I tried to pray - I'm here at a stand still knowing this life ain't for me.
Kind of rambly don't you think? So you may want to go over it with your red pen.
Hope this review helps!
Hey, here to review!
The last two lines caught my eye, and were a pretty splendid conclusion...maybe find a way to tie that last idea into the rest of the poem more?
So I have really mixed emotions about this poem. It shows a lot of promise, but I feel like it's just not quite cleaned up yet. The concept is a really interesting one, but I think you missed the mark.
The rhythm is a bit off in places but the emotion is spot-on. I LOVE the lines "the train tracks cut deep into my knees-/a loud, frightful sound." That finally delves deeper into a more elaborate level of emotion and imagery. I felt as though some of your lines were very filler in contrast, so it was nice to see this break the surface and show something different and new. With poetry it's important to keep in mind that your words are limited and every one of them should mean something, ideally. Again, I really think there's a lot of hope for this poem if you're willing to keep writing and rewriting it, because the concept is great and I see occasional hints at an epiphany, haha.
I'm aware that this review is probably a little rushed and sloppy, and I apologize for that. In any case, I see a lot of promise in this, and think that if it was tweaked just a bit, you'd be spot-on.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xx