Burned 1.3

by Noelle

Published May 7, 2015

In Novel - Burned

Merith grabs my arm and pulls me back into the cover of the trees. We’re running so fast that I stumble and nearly trip over the roots. “What’s the hurry?” I shout ahead.

“They’re going to realize I was lying to them,” Merith responds. “There’s only one of these and we have it. Kellar will be able to track it no problem so we have to get as far away as possible.”

I curse under my breath. She’s right. Kellar is Colton’s comms and he’s one of the best; even Will admits it. “So where did you really find that?” I ask, dodging a large tree that appeared out of nowhere. Merith has since let go of my hand and my arms are pumping in order to keep up with her.

“The far wall. That part was the truth. But there’s only one of them and everyone is searching for it. That’s what the clue said. This will lead us to the ultimate treasure.”

My stomach twists in anticipation. “What’s the treasure?”

“No idea.”

Static crackles through my earpiece. “You two need to kick it up a notch,” Will informs me. “The professors have cut the time down an hour. You have twenty minutes to complete the exercise.”

I try to fight the panic rising inside of me. Twenty minutes. We – Merith – have solved the first three clues, but there’s still one more out there. What if we don’t find it? I really can’t afford to not succeed.

I reach into my jacket pocket and wrap my hand around the tiny box I had found buried at the base of a tree. It’s small enough to hide easily in the fabric of the jacket. Its rough sides scrape my fingers, but not enough to draw blood. Once we find a place to stop, we need to figure out what this is for.

I stop suddenly, frozen by my realization. I call out to Merith, who luckily hears me and doubles back.

“This better be important,” she snaps. “We’re not nearly as far as we should be.”

“The boomerang,” I say breathlessly. “Hand it over.” She gives me a strange look, but hands it over anyway. I pull the box from my pocket and it immediately begins to shake. A quiet alarm sounds and small blue lights flash on both object.

I can’t contain my excitement as I place the box on the boomerang, lining up the lights. They flash a single time, basking the trees in a bright light before plunging them back into darkness. Merith activates the flashlight on her watch and shines it on the box. We watch as it slowly opens, revealing a piece of paper. I hand the boomerang back to Merith and pull out the paper.

Holding it close to the light, I read it out loud. “Congratulations, you have reached the last demand of the exercise. Report to Headmaster Caddarick with the Flesure and the box before time expires. But beware, your path will not be easy. Take care and let nothing happen to the Flesure. You will be forgiven if the box is lost, but will fail if the Flesure returns in someone else’s hands. Good luck, Bryn Patterson and Merith Hache.

I raise my eyes to meet Merith’s. “How did they know it was going to be us?”

Before she can respond, the trees around us disappear into the ground and blinding white lights fill the entire area. I blink desperately, trying to adjust to the new lighting. Once I can see again, I look around to see everyone frozen with confused looks on their faces. The only kids who seem to understand are Colton and Jordin, who are staring at us from the far wall.

There have to be about a hundred kids out here, all looking for the two objects that we have. The professors seriously expect us to make it back to them with the boomerang – which they call the Flesure; although I have no idea what’s so damn special about it that it gets its own name – before time runs out? It’s impossible.

“What do we do?” I whisper to Merith. I had expected everyone to look directly at us, to start advancing and attack in order to get the Flesure. But no one even pays attention to us. Maybe this’ll be easier than I thought.

“We have to get back to the professors now,” she responds, equally as quiet. “Let’s go.”

“No,” I snap, grabbing her arm so she doesn’t take a step. “We can’t. At least not without a cover. We’ll only draw attention to ourselves. No one else knows what’s happening; we have to take advantage of that.”

“But we’re not going to just be able to sneak over there! Everyone can see us,” she responds in frustration, running a hand through her thick blond hair. “We’re going to have to make a break for it eventually. Why not now?”

I look back at the large fortress behind us, the old building that holds our school. It’s a long distance back to where the professors are, watching us expectedly. The building looms over them, casting an ominous shadow. Even from behind, the school looks like a king’s paradise. I still can’t believe that this is where I’ve spent the past five years training.

Kids are starting to talk; I can hear their hushed whispers and panicked voices traveling through the air. Soon they’ll start rushing to solve their clues. And the sooner that happens, the sooner they’ll realize that someone else already solved them. Once they find out it was us, they’ll come rushing like a pack of angry bulls.

Merith is right, we have to make a break for it. But only when it’s safe. We have to time it perfectly. Everyone has to be so distracted with trying to solve the puzzles that they won’t notice us running back to the professors. If they do find out, we’re screwed. A hundred against two is hardly fair. Neither of us is a self proclaimed skilled fighter. I may be top of the class, but so far the only combat we’ve been trained in is one-on-one. Put me up against a large group and I’ll hardly survive five minutes.

“One of you needs to make up your mind,” Sharna hisses in my ear. “With all the time you wasted running, and now debating what to do, there’s only eight minutes left. Make a run for it or lose. That’s the bottom line.”

I’ll be damned if there’s another day this year when I agree with Sharna. Hearing the truth only solves my debate faster. Merith and I lock eyes. We both know she’s right. I look back at the far wall and see Colton and Jordin’s heads close, their lips moving quickly. Colton looks up at me and I can see his hard glare from here. He knows. My heart speeds us.

“It has to be now,” I tell Merith. “Colton knows. No doubt he’ll start telling everyone around him. We have to make it now.”

Merith grins. “About time you caught on.”

“I’ll cover you best I can,” Will’s voice rings in my ear. “They knocked out half of the communications and I have no control over the lights out there. What I can control though, is quite helpful. Just watch your step. I’m going to set off all of the traps I can. Unfortunately I can’t promise that you two won’t be in the crossfire.”

I nod, knowing full well that he isn’t able to see the motion. But even my silence is reassuring. If I don’t argue, that’s the green light.

I turn to Merith with determination. “Let’s do this.” After stuffing the Flesure and the box into my pockets, we take off running.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Jun 5, 2015

Back yet again!

The first thing that comes to mind for me is that the transition between part and the end of the last isn't the greatest. It wouldn't be too bad if it were a part of a completely separate chapter, but as being a part of one, it's a bit of a stretch. The last statement was so concluding and powerful that it feels like the end of a chapter rather than a transition in the middle, you know? And this beginning sentence really feels like a time skip. Not only that, but the first chapter can't have so much happening. And from what's happened so far, it already feels saturated. Perhaps it would help to lengthen this out just one more chapter? It wouldn't hurt, I don't think.

A quick note on an inconsistency: Merith says in her dialogue first that there is only one of those boomerang looking things. That's all fine and dandy (though I wonder how she got it first ^^), but then later on she says there are 'a few'. First off, why would she need to say this again, and second, what happened to there only being one...? [WHOA. I just reread it and my brain just lied to me, but still. She says there is only one twice within the span of three paragraphs -- short ones too. Perhaps lighten the load? Because I was confused.]

I'm not really a big fan of how you introduced the box. First off, the thoughts in that paragraph aren't really the most flowy and connected, sort of jumping from one image to the next, but it feels so casual the way she pulls it out. What makes her decide to fetch it? What reminds her of it? Why? Why did she not think of it before? Why now, of all times? Seems too 'convenient' if you ask me. The motion is even nonchalant, like she sees it as unimportant, but then Bryn still bothers to try? It doesn't add up very well. Remember, narration is thoughts ^^ (*cough* the realization is too late *cough*)

[I don't think I explained this well enough, so please, if you're confused, let me know and I'll try to do so better.]

The professors seriously expect us to make it back to them with the boomerang – which they call the Flesure; although I have no idea what’s so damn special about it that it gets its own name – before time runs out?


Sorry, but I just got lost in this >.> Little too clunky, and the dash -- normally used for short cutouts -- doesn't work too well here. It's interesting as a tangent, but back to real thoughts, normally a tangent derails an actual thought. It's not too easy to go back a complete a thought with such build up, you know? (Don't ask why I'm being so critical with this, cause I donno.)

I swear this is the last thing on thoughts in my reviews, but realistically, I don't see why Bryn suddenly tangents and thinks about the building of training as a palace. Or thinks much of it at all. It's nice to know, yes, but now is surely not the time. They should be panicking, not admiring buildings xD Done now, I promise.

(I do notice that Bryn makes some drastic conclusions. With only eight minutes left in the game, I wonder why she expects people to keep solving the clues rather than just trying to get the information out of other people? Just a thought of mine.)

Quite the interesting chapter. I can't really say it was super intense, not really until the end when they started hopelessly floundering, but it was quite interesting nonetheless. However, like I mentioned before, it feels like something was cut short and just crammed in to fit in the first chapter, which may be too much. I recommend you at least think it out and how it may benefit. It's just one extra chapter, after all.

Anyway, I'm quite excited to read on. Hope I helped and happy writing,
~Wolfare

User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review
Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · May 9, 2015

Heya Noelle, pretzelsing here on a review roll and I wanted to review this chapter before it got out of the green room. I am still working on the KotGR badge and I want to get the full armor. Anyways,let's begin,shall we?

I have read this so many times and not started the review, that I think that I know what I want to comment on. First things first is, that at the very beginning(first sentence or so) when Merith grabs Bryn's hands and slow her down,of course she would stumble and fall.I think that Merith should warn Bryn to slow down, and then grab her arm,to spare both of them pain and time.

Bryn and Merith seem to not be really cooperating in this chapter,at least that's the impression that I got. They are grabbing each other's arms multiple times and arguing instead of coming to an agreement and working together. :P That doesn't give me a team picture, and I have no idea how they will make it to the "finish line" if they don't start working with each other. I gotta say, that right now, I am liking Merith the most (even more then Bryn) because she is more practical, and of course mentioned a lot as another of the MC. Bryn seems kind of rushed and makes hasty decisions without thinking them through carefully.And woah,how stubborn Bryn is.

Woah, Noelle, their reaction to running (to the professors) is very long and slow. I think that they,as trained agents,should respond quicker and just run. You at least made a half of the chapter, then frozen and not moving or doing anything. I don't think that this is realistic. If you want prove that, then look at the place where they say "let's go and run" and when they actually start running. That is a couple of paragraphs in between that, and it kind of seems forced,if you see what I mean.Remember,they only have 20 minutes ;)
I gotta say, that I feel like there should be a huge countdown clock on the campus that reads 20 minutes (and then later 8 minutes) and counts down the time that everyone has until the timer beeps and it's up. At least,this is how I imagine it to be, in my mind while picturing them trying to get to the professors.

I stop suddenly, frozen by my realization. I call out to Merith, who luckily hears me and doubles back.


What made her realize that the box and the boomerang are matching and that they fit into one another. I was clueless here, and so I want a clue, or any type of hint from Bryn.What is her thought process and why hadn't she found out about this before?


Even from behind, the school looks like a king’s paradise.

Wowie,Noelle, this was sure a shocker because I honestly expected all old and worn out building instead of a palace type of school. I was shocked :o and I am pretty sure that you could have given us this detail some time ago. I have always imagined this, from the beginning to be gray walls,paint peeling off, old bricks, the inside was dark and with little light,and overall the whole building would look ancient and rusty ;) .But again,that's just my opinion. And I still don't understand,how this school can be called "paradise" if they are taught combat there,kept locked in,and learning boring stuff.

I raise my eyes to meet Merith’s. “How did they know it was going to be us?”


I think that you need the factor/emotion of shock :o to be shown much more clearly. There is no facial reaction from either of them,and when I was reading this part for the first time,my mouth was open wide. I want,scratch that: this needs a stronger reaction. I mean, do the professors really think this, and was this just a test of Bryn's and Merith's strengths? What is their motive behind all of this? <,<

Before she can respond, the trees around us disappear into the ground and blinding white lights fill the entire area.


Why/how did that happen? :? So were the trees fake(like fake bark) or movable (like the roots could move?) If the latter,then I am wondering: "where did they move?" Also,another minor point but something that I thought I would mention, why is there bright white lights? I am assuming that this is in the middle of the day where there is tons of sunlight. xD

I’m going to set off all of the traps I can. Unfortunately I can’t promise that you two won’t be in the crossfire.”


What kind of power does Will have that he is actually helping them? Can he actually really control things like that inside the campus? I mean,isn't that kind of exclusive.

A hundred against two is hardly fair.


I can't agree more ^_^ If it's not fair,then why are they risking this? I mean, I kind of know that they don't want to lose against thier teammates and to their professors,but is a training like this supposed to be so unfair? I think that the professor's should me a little bit more thoughtful about this,and make it a bit less risky for Bryn & Merith.

That's really all I can say for this chapter. I don't really have many more comments,and I am sorry that it is so short. I would prefer for it to be longer,but I don't think that it needs to since this is so well written. I hope that this review helps!

/pretzelsing/

User avatar
kevin25a
Review
kevin25a wrote a review Review · May 7, 2015

Well trees sinking into the ground is certainly unique. I didn't expect that, and it's a great way to remove any cover too. I assume they're fake, or mechanical trees in someway. Somehow I don't think it would take more than ten or twenty seconds to piece together what happened, especially if the box and boomerang lit up as brightly as you described. Everyone around would have seen the light before it faded, and undoubtedly been staring in that direction. Making them targets before they started running, and his hesitation would have gotten them caught.

The chapter was good, but I felt some of the reaction times were a bit too slow to be possible. Looking forward to chapter two to clear that all up though.



What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice