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Young Writers Society



Burned 2.3

by Noelle


“What the hell?” I throw a pillow at him, which he simply catches and sets on the edge of my bed. “Did Merith let you in? I’m gonna kill her.”

He doesn't answer, only reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He throws it onto the bed and it bounces a few times before coming to a rest face down. The message alert rings and the sheets shake slightly.

“Why are you giving me this?” I ask.

“It’s yours.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and shrugs. “Figured you’d want it back since it’s been going off for the past half hour. Might be important.”

I gape at him as I grab the device. When I flip it over, the screen is completely blue, a tiny black dot flashing in the upper right corner. My heart sinks; it's a message from a professor. Colton might’ve just screwed up everything.

“Wait,” I say, looking up at him. I can’t really see much because of the dark, but his silhouette is enough that I can tell where his face is. “When did you steal this?”

“In the dining room. You were so focused on getting out that you didn’t notice me reaching into your jacket pocket. Easy pickup, really. For someone who’s top of the class, you’re not very observant.”

I want to beat his face in, but something more important is sitting in front of me right now. I rub my eyes again and stare at the screen. It’s too bright, too demanding, too important. How long have I been asleep? It hasn't been long enough for me to be dealing with this right now.

Looking up, I realize Colton is gone. I start to wonder if I had just imagined all of that. No, that wouldn’t be possible. It was too real to be all in my imagination.

Suddenly, the lights above me flicker on. Tearing my gaze away from the screen, I see Will sitting on the edge of my bed. I groan. “What is up with everyone tonight?”

“It’s not that hard to pick a lock actually,” Will admits. “Kellar probably taught Colton how to do it. I passed him on my way in. Anyway, are you ready to go?” He’s flipping his phone in his hand, his fingers shaking slightly. I sit up straighter. It’s not like him to get fidgety.

“Welcome, come right in. Glad to see you,” Merith says sarcastically as she wanders into the room and collapses face down on her bed. “Colton woke me up when he plodded in. Have anything to tell me, Bryn?”

I ignore her. “What are you talking about, Will?”

His face pales. “You… you didn’t get the message?”

I glance at my phone, the black dot still flashing at me. I unlock the phone, scanning my fingerprint. A video pops up immediately with Professor Clemet’s face frozen in the middle, those blue eyes glaring at me already. My heart races. This can’t be good. Clemet is Caddarick’s right hand man – or woman, whatever. If this message is from her, it mine as well be from him as well.

I reach to press play, but Will grabs my hand. “Are you crazy? Not in front of Merith!” he hisses. I look from him to my roommate. What could be so bad that Merith can’t hear it?

“Whatever this is, she can hear it too.” I reply.

“Hear what?” Merith mumbles into the sheets.

I look at Will, my eyes pleading with him. He sighs. “Fine. Get over here, Mer.”

She pushes herself up and joins us. We sit on my bed, the phone laid out in front of me. I’m suddenly nervous. Will isn’t telling me anything. Is it really that important? I look at my friends once more before pressing play.

“Ms. Bryn Patterson,” Clemet says in her raspy voice. “You are to report to the headmaster in room 47C at the conclusion of this message. You are not to bring any personal belongings or materials of any kind. Not even the device in your hand. You will be missing many of your classes, therefore you are excused from them all. The other professors have already been notified.

“I assume that you are with Mr. William Anchelle. Please pass along that he should meet Professor Stauver in room 83F. He is also asked to not bring any personal items or materials of any kind. However, if he chooses, he may bring the red handbook.” I don’t understand what that means, but judging by the look on Will’s face, he does. I turn my attention back to the message.

“Do not tell anyone where you are going or what you are doing. You will learn more of your mission upon arrival. Report to room 47C to meet Headmaster Caddarick. Mr. Anchelle to room 83F to meet Professor Stauver. Immediately after this message, Ms. Patterson. That is now.”

The screen goes blank and the file disappears. I search the phone, looking through every folder it might’ve gone into, but I don’t see it anywhere. I run over the details in my head. No personal items, no devices, 47C and 83F. That’s all I need to remember, right?

“Whoa,” Merith says, voicing my exact reaction.

Despite the order to report immediately, I don’t move. Clemet called it a mission. I’ve never been on a mission before. I’ve shadowed an agent and participated in training exercises, but have never headlined a mission. That’s a whole other monster in itself.

Why do they even want me? The candidates are the ones who go on missions. Not that I’m complaining, really. I’m ecstatic to be assigned one! But my confusion outweighs any excitement I might have. Why are they giving me this opportunity so early? The faculty doesn’t stray from the norm; ever. Candidates get the first pick of mission and then they land on the fifth levels, but only after they’ve completed five or more months of that school year. It’s only been two. I haven’t even gotten to take a weapons class. What am I supposed to do if I face someone with a weapon? How do I fight them off without dying? Where would I even start?

I look at Will and see the same anxiety written on his face. In an odd way, it relaxes me. He’s just as realistic as I am and realizes the seriousness of the situation, but he seems to understand why it’s so odd as well.

“What are you guys waiting for?” Merith asks as she tries to push me off of the bed. “Get going! She said go now!”

I turn to face her. “She also said not to tell anyone. Can you keep a secret? I don’t want the whole school knowing.”

Merith gives me a look so serious that I’m not sure if it’s really her. “I promise. No one will know.” I nod, not even hesitating in believing her.

Suddenly Will’s expression changes and he grins. “Think I have time to change?” I take in his outfit for the first time. He’s still in his pajamas, a red striped shirt and matching pants. I can’t help but laugh.

That’s what you’re worried about?”

“Well if I’m going to help you defeat some crazy guy or murder a mayor, I need to look my best.”

“I’m not going to murder any mayors.”

He ignores me and continues. “Clemet said to report immediately. Doesn’t give us much time to do anything.”

“True,” I respond and take a deep breath. "Aren’t you just a bit worried about why this is happening to us?”

His jovial expression vanishes in an instant. “Of course. We haven’t even taken the VQ yet. They shouldn’t be trusting us with any mission. But the only way we're going to find out is by going.”

"I wasn't thinking of not going," I grumble.

“So just leave already,” Merith chips in. “They’ll test you soon enough. Besides, not every fifth level that has ever been sent on a mission has passed the VQ.” She’s right.

Gathering every bit of courage I have, I get off the bed, pulling Will with me. “We’ll fill you in when we get back.” I promise.

“Fill me in on what?” she asks, but winks shortly after. I shake my head.

Turning back to Will I ask, “Do you have that book she was talking about?”

The corners of his lips turn up and he flashes his phone. “I downloaded it all last week. Everything I need is on this thing.”

“But Clemet said you couldn’t bring that.”

“She won’t know. Especially if I turn off any frequency it might give off to make it traceable.”

“Oh right, techie stuff. You would be that guy.”

His eyebrows shoot up. “Are you making fun of my genius?”

“No, never,” I respond, not able to hide my laughter. “Now come on. Let’s go see what kind of hell Vido got himself into now.” I drag him out of the dorm and into the dark hallway. A few of the lights are turned on so we can at least see where we’re going.

We make sure to walk silently past the dorms. Any noise could make one of our classmates stir and investigate. I’m not about to let some idiot mess this up for me. Everything has to go perfect. And I’m going to make sure it does.


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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:11 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Finally heeeere~ (Once again, normal stuff. Not reading other reviews, commenting as I go and nitpicks first ^^)

I look at Will, my eyes pleading with him.


This actually threw me off. When Bryn said that Merith could listen to it as well, one, Will had no idea what was on the phone so he couldn't even know if he was supposed to listen to it or not (because it may have been for only Bryn to hear) and two, she said it in a demanding tone with only 'said' as the dialogue tag. So, she doesn't sound like the kind of person to be 'pleading' in any way from what we've seen before. Therefore, her pleading now seems inconsistent and threw me off xD //end proof

... but judging by the look on Will’s face, he does.


What look? Here, it's just generic and I think Bryn would be able to tell if Will was upset or happy about it. Perhaps nervous, since he's doing what he's not supposed to? Not sure, but this detail feels like it matters so we can get the standing on how Will might feel about this mission, even though we learn it later on. This line feels a little empty without it.

So, I can understand that Colton is in there in the room with her, but then everything else starts happening and I'm a lot more confused. Will was there? Since when? Did he not question Colton about what he was doing? Because, he was just sitting on the bed as Colton left, not saying anything. And while Merith I can understand she'd be there (living there and all) her 'entrance' seemed strange. Did she turn on the light? Why not Will, who should just be coming in anyway. It really confused me with everyone suddenly appearing and things happening. Perhaps make it a little more clear, or voice more concern in Bryn's head like, "When did he get here?"

... Who's Caddarick? Is this me just forgetting or something else? It's only been two weeks since I read the last part (or was that three?) but the name doesn't ring a bell. Is it the head principal guy? Perhaps make this more clear, with something like "serious, Caddarick" or something. If I should know, then just ignore me xD

Will seems to give in pretty easily about Merith. As mentioned before about him not really knowing if he should hear it himself, he seemed so urgent at first and there was only one real line of dialogue to convince him. Perhaps even something that sort of goes against him from Bryn like, "If you can listen, than she can too." Maybe to make it seem like he's not as much of a pushover.

Bryn claims to be excited about the mission, but her initial reaction doesn't tell us that at all, and I don't feel that. She seems a lot more nervous than happy about it, and while she can still be happy, or looking forward to it, 'estatic' doesn't seem like the right word to be used there. Or perhaps have something where joy bubbles inside her, but all the worries strike it down and she's not quite as. Not sure, something to think about.

Otherwise, the beginning of this part was really nice! I feel a lot has happened in just these two chapters, which is throwing me off a little (with six parts, it's felt like four chapters >.>) but overall I think it's fine. And this is coming along nicely, making me curious about what Bryn has to do... but what about Bryn's mom...? I sort of remember you having something with her (next part? :3)

Anyway, not much else for me to say~ Awesome job, Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare




Noelle says...


Yeah, Caddarick is the Headmaster. I'm trying to get the whole one name thing to work because I don't feel like writing Headmaster Caddarick or the Headmaster every time he speaks. I'll work on that.



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Thu Jun 18, 2015 5:07 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Noelle, Pretzelsing here for a review. I almost can't believe that I am the first one to be reviewing this,since this has been in the green room for 5 days.

Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
YAY! :D Action is going to happen soon!

I have to say that this wasn’t what I expected Colton would do. For someone,who really is kind of Bryn’s enemy, I don’t understand why he would want to steal her phone,and then give it back to her? I really don’t see the point,so I think that it could be a potential plot hole,depending on how you handle it in the next chapters.

And then the message that Professor Clement left on the phone: I didn’t understand what it meant until the end, and I was just as confused as Bryn was about it. So good job on that, you have me mirroring her worry and anxiety.I really did feel her,and the emotions that are facing through her head. Now I’m getting really anxious and excited to see what Bryn is going to go through in this unexpected mission.

He doesn't answer, only reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone.


~I feel like you don’t need that phrase: “He doesn’t answer” because it’s telling us what happened,when you can simply show it by not having any dialogue coming from Colton. So this sentence could be rephrased and written like:

Pretzelsing wrote:He only reaches into his pocket and pulls out (the) phone.


~Another minor thing is that it’s not his phone but her(Bryn’s) phone that we are talking about here.

My heart sinks; it's a message from a professor.


~I think that you didn’t really give out any emotion in this sentence. The only thing that you did was give out the information about who left the message. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why Bryn’s “heart sinks” because you don’t show it,and you don’t explain the reasoning behind this. Plus, if you have noticed that this phrase is cliche a bit,and so I would come up with something more original and descriptive.

I gape at him as I grab the device.


~I think that you got these actions in the right order of time: first gape and then grab. This applies to any normal person, but Bryn is a top-class student on a mission as a secret agent. I would think,that she should react more differently and grab the phone first,and then try to gape at him. That’s just my logic,judging the situation.

“Whoa,” Merith says, voicing my exact reaction.


~I think that this reaction should be earlier on the story, meaning that after she is completely done with listening to the message, she gives her initial and first reaction,and then she think it all through. The paragraph with those remembering details that Bryn is worried about should go after Merith’s “woah.”

The faculty doesn’t stray from the norm; ever.


~You don’t need that semicolon,because a semicolon connects two complete sentences. I think that a comma would be enough for this particular sentence.

However, if he chooses, he may bring the red handbook

“But Clemet said you couldn’t bring that.”


I am so confused right now,because these two quotes completely contradict themselves. Both of them are talking about the important red handbook,but I honestly at this point don’t know if Will can bring it or not. I am very confused,and I know that this will be clarified in the next chapters,but I just wanted to point this out to you,so that you could possibly correct/clarify this now?

A few of the lights are turned on(,) so we can at least see where we’re going.


~This sentence didn’t flow when I tried to read it out loud, and after examining it, I concluded that the reason is because there is a missing comma,which would actually explain the sentence’s meaning. So please put a comma between “on” and “so” like I have done in the parenthesis in the quote above.

Okay,so reading back on this a couple of times, I noticed that most of your sentences are short and choppy in a sense during this chapter. I felt like maybe you need to connect more of them together gracefully,so that they flow better for the reader and reviewer. I just wanted to give you one example
[This is the original last paragraph:]
We make sure to walk silently past the dorms. Any noise could make one of our classmates stir and investigate. I’m not about to let some idiot mess this up for me. Everything has to go perfect. And I’m going to make sure it does.


~As a side note, I think that the last sentence of the chapter was invalid,because honestly, Bryn has no control over things like this. She should know,that there are many surprises and hidden things on any missions. They are risks and deciding factors. She should know this,yet here,you write her off as being naive and thinking in control while she is going into that mission.Just doesn’t make much sense for me.

Pretzelsing wrote:We make sure to walk silently past the dorms,because any noise could make one of our classmates stir and investigate. I’m not about to let some idiot mess this up for me. Everything has to go perfect, and I’m going to make sure it does.


And here’s another original:

Why do they even want me? The candidates are the ones who go on missions. Not that I’m complaining, really. I’m ecstatic to be assigned one! But my confusion outweighs any excitement I might have.


Pretzelsing wrote:Why do they even want me? The candidates are the ones who go on missions;not that I’m complaining,I’m ecstatic to be assigned one, but my confusion outweighs any excitement I might have.


I also noticed that you have a tendency to start a new sentence with a conjunction(I at least saw one instance in every paragraph). I don’t think that’s a good idea, because conjunctions are meant to connect sentences,not start them. This is a hard no-break rule,but generally I would try to avoid that.

Another thing, is that I honestly didn’t feel any air of mystery of secrecy. I think that if you want this to shine,then you have to implement it a bit more because giving Bryn one line with Merith,honestly kind of seemed forced. I think that it’s obvious that Merith knows that she can’t tell, and Bryn trusts her without hesitation. Then why all of this drama with the extra wasted time and the promise of silence? Didn’t Mer hear Professor Clement say that through the phone? Wasn’t that enough for her?

The thing that I really did like, is how Will and Bryn are showing themselves as a team,even though they have to go their separate ways. Maybe not so much in this chapter,but throughout your novel, the trio (Bryn,Mer,and Will) have worked so perfectly together, only Sharna was the odd one. I am surprised that you didn’t mention Sharna at all. Was she supposed to assist Merith while the other two were gone? Can Merith actually do everything(aka her daily lifestyle at Vido) without anyone’s help?

Anyways, I hope that I left you with some questions,suggestions,and revisions for you to consider when editing this. I hope that this helps and that you beautiful writing just keep on improving.

~Peace Out~

/Pretzel/





We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer