I’ve just sat down at the table when Will hugs me from behind, making me nearly spill my soda as his arms wrap around me. I shouldn’t really be drinking this since it after midnight and I actually need to sleep before class, but I don’t care. There’s nothing else good to drink.
“You did it!” he screams in my ear. I can’t help but grin.
“We couldn’t have done it without you,” I admit. It was the truth and I knew it. Without the traps Will had set off, we wouldn’t have made it in time.
Once Merith and I took off toward the professors, chaos ensued. Colton had shouted to stop us at any costs. And since half of the school is friends with him, they listened. I looked behind once when I was running, long enough to see a dozen kids get caught in a net, a handful fall down holes that sunk into the ground, and a few others trip into quicksand that appeared out of nowhere. I was impressed with how intense the professors had made this exercise.
“It wasn’t all that impressive,” Will said, shrugging it off as he sat next to me. “The professors gave us access to everything out there. When I say everything, I mean everything. You don’t even want to know some of the things I could’ve used.”
I raise my eyebrows, but he doesn’t elaborate. I’ll get the answer out of him eventually.
As intense as the exercise was for me and Merith, it was just as much for him. His jet black hair is stuck to his forehead and I can see sweat still dripping from his chin. Although he’s leaning his elbows on the table and still hasn’t caught his breath, his green eyes shine with delight. We haven’t been out of the exercise for even five minutes. I can only imagine what the intensity was like in the comms room.
“I can’t believe you guys made it back in time,” Sharna comments as she and Merith join us at the table, sitting across from me and Will. “Two minutes to spare. That was way too close for comfort.”
“If they hadn’t cut the time short it wouldn’t have been a problem.” Merith complains.
“Whatever.” Sharna responds, brushing a strand of red hair out of her eyes. I like this color on her better than the last. Teal didn’t go well with her brown eyes or dark complexion. Red isn’t much better, but it looks good enough.
I look around at my friends as they dig into their food; crackers with cheese, olives, chicken and rice. I’m not a midnight snacker, but I’ll sit here with them until they’re finished. We’re a team and always will be, no matter what the school tries to tell us. If being here at Vido’s School for Agency and Communication has taught me anything it’s how to find people to trust. I have the most trustworthy ones right here with me. Except maybe not Sharna.
Silence makes its way to the back of the dining room. There are four long tables for each of the levels, our tables being at the back. I look to the head of the room to see Headmaster Caddarick standing proud just inside of the doors. His look is solemn, but I don’t think the man has another expression. He never seems to have many emotions, but then again neither does his appearance. He wears the same suit, a slick black one, with a slight variation of color, every day. His gray hair is always combed back neatly and his eyes look bored as ever. I wonder how he ever impressed Vido to become Headmaster here.
“Tonight was another successful exercise,” he starts, his voice booming to fill the entire room. Even we fifth levels can hear him all the way in the back over the clattering of plates and silverware in the kitchen just beyond our tables. “The quick efforts of Ms. Merith Hache and Ms. Bryn Patterson forced us to cut back our time limit. We have never done that for this exercise. Each time limit gives all of you exactly the right amount of time to complete the mission. For their brilliant efforts, these girls should be recognized. Ms. Hache, Ms. Patterson, please stand.”
I try to keep myself planted firmly on the bench, but Will pokes me in the ribs. “Stand you idiot. You should be proud!” He grins at me and I roll my eyes.
The applause I stand to is only half hearted. Merith is beaming and bouncing on her toes. She’s eating it all up. I, however, notice the looks that my classmates are giving me. They’re not very welcoming.
Coming to Vido’s is a huge honor. Vido is the top dog in our small country of Dryysdale. There are many countries surrounding us that assume they can take advantage since we’re so small. Vido and his agents have been protecting our borders when our president can’t. All of his work is undercover. No one knows it’s him until the job is done.
Every kid wants to grow up to be an agent. I hear it in the streets when I visit home. They want the action, they want the glory, they want to protect our nation. They’ll do anything to get to the top.
The passion only intensifies when you’re accepted to Vido’s. The dream becomes reality and the fight to become an agent is real. Vido accepts so many students, but only chooses eight to become candidates for the agency, four pairs of comms and agent partners, each year. Any advantage a student can get, they’ll take. While one could have many friends during their time at Vido’s, competing for those heralded spots takes precedent. Of course everyone is going to hate Merith and I for succeeding. I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit jealous when others did well during exercises.
This is when we’re really tested. The classes we take are pointless, meaning nothing in the grand scheme of things. They’re only there in order to give us an education. A few select classes teach us how to be better agents, but the rest are just there because the professors need a job.
My gaze locks with Colton’s at the table next to mine. He’s shooting daggers at me, no doubt regretting his choice to help me. I can only smirk at his anger. It’s not my fault that he took the bait. He shouldn’t have believed us in the first place. One of these days he’ll learn.
Caddarick continues over the applause, “And of course we cannot forget the efforts of their dedicated comms, Mr. William Anchelle and Ms. Sharna Lacey.” The two of them stood, also looking quite pleased with the attention. Am I the only one not enjoying this?
“Congratulations to you all. Now,” Caddarick holds up his hand for silence. “Classes resume in the morning. Lights go out in an hour. Our next training exercise will be held in just a few days’ time. Your professors will be giving you more information later. Goodnight.”
The second that the professors walk out of the dining room, the chatter resumes. My friends and I sit and I return to sipping my soda. Everyone is talking about us. The conversations are all muffled together, but I hear enough to know.
When will they realize that we’re all here for the same reason? Fighting amongst ourselves isn’t going to help any of our chances. Neither, certainly, is being jealous. But eventually they will all forget about it and no one will care anymore. Until I complete the next exercise that is.
The noise doesn’t die down like I hoped it would. It only gets worse as more kids complain about the exercise being unfair or too complicated for a first level to figure out. This is going to get old fast.
I look across the table at Merith. She’s fidgeting, no longer eating her food but instead pushing the chicken around the rice in circles. Her eyes stay glued to her plate, moving only to catch a quick glance to either side. Even Will seems uncomfortable. He’s better at hiding his feelings so I can’t really be sure.
Merith finally looks up to meet my gaze. “Can we go back to the dorm? Now.”
I chug the rest of my soda. It burns on its way down my throat, but it feels good. “Fine. If you want to let the kids get to you go right ahead.”
“I could care less what they say,” she snaps. “I’m just tired of hearing people talk about how much higher than them I am. I’m not.”
“Welcome to my world,” I say under my breath. Merith can easily get wound up and I don’t feel like dealing with that right now. And I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear me complain about how everyone has been jealous of me since the moment I stepped through the front door. I hate it.
We say goodbye to Sharna and Will and head out of the dining room. I can feel Merith’s grasp tighten on my arm. I roll my eyes. She’s never going to be an agent if she doesn’t toughen up. There are going to be people out there who only want to tear her down and won’t care about praising her.
I pull Merith along faster, hoping we can make it out into the hallway before she has a breakdown. That wouldn’t help the situation at all.
We push through the large oak door and it slams shut behind us. We’re plunged into the darkness of the hallway and cut off from all of the nonsense. I hope that Will isn’t struggling in there. He’s rather popular among the other kids though, so I have no doubts that he’ll be able to deal with it.
I couldn’t care less about Sharna.
End of chapter
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Hey, Noelle!
You have to go and start making this hard on me, do you? A lot of the things that I'm noticing are things that I've covered in past reviews, so let's see if I can work on plot, huh? (Just be aware of some clunky narration as thoughts as such. Especially the beginning, with strange tangents and coming around back to Will, repeating things in thoughts and dialogue, etc., etc. You know the drill. This is a really good article talking about the struggle.)
[Also, quick note, the very first line doesn't read right. I can't pinpoint why, but I think it's just too long and both haves aren't closely related -- soda and hugging? huh? -- (or that you mention hug and then arms wrap around Byrn. It kind of gives a redundant feel, perhaps?)]
For shame. *ahem* Tense slip ^^ I think the recap had a rough transition back out of it. I commend you for slipping into the flashback quite easily, fluidly, like an actual memory was set off. Even the switch to past tense flowed nicely, but back out was a lot rougher. First off, there was this, and second, it felt too abrupt without a reaction. Here, flashbacks don't take much time to think about, as you know, but coming out of thoughts so suddenly without some kind of transition, jerky or smooth, or even just a tuning back in, can be abrupt for the reader.
I wanted to point out that I loved the paragraph when Sharna's red hair was introduced. It was really subtle, rather small, but it felt so real. It had a nice flow to it and a genuine thought process going on that's not too elaborate, yet still gives us a slight addition -- another perspective
On that note, there was a part that I think that lovely thought process was lost. >.> (I'm so sorry.) The paragraph after the one I praised, I felt like I missed something. Bryn mentions them suddenly shut down the conversation and start eating, but there was no mention of food before. It happened to suddenly appear? What, huh? It might help to mention them holding trays when they arrive, so I know their intention.
Another thing I think is established too late is where they are. At first, I could only imagine then in some white room of sorts, with just one little table in the center. I also wondered where she got the soda... But, all this slight confusion could be cleared up at the mention of the dining room earlier and describe it later as her thoughts drift away from her friends.
-- I am really style picky today, again xD But I absolutely love your plot and wouldn't change a word of it. The world, the competitiveness that's so eloquently weaved into there, the real tension. Gah! It's perf <3 --
If this headmaster is so obviously proud looking that Bryn's first impression of him at this moment is 'proud', how can you go on to say that he looks 'solemn as always'? Think about it.
World building, huzzah! It's sweet to finally get this information, about the country, the school, some other things. We can already tell that this isn't your real life world, and that it make us question what kind of work agents can do? What threats are they facing? It's really awesome, not too much all at once and a clear train of thought, but... the timing could be better. I'd love a good couple sentences, perhaps, about how the stakes are high. Only four are let in and such, but that world building stuff could be left to a less prominent scene, when Bryn is bored or alone or not really in the middle of something. Here, she is. Perhaps a better time would be after the headmaster leaves?
One thing that's bothering me is I can't get a hold of who Bryn is. At one point, she admits to being jealous, but then goes and says that everyone needs to learn to not be jealous of one another and work as a team. Alright. Well, when Merith suddenly becomes uncomfortable, she goes and tells her to toughen up when before she didn't like the attention. I guess Bryn is supposed to be the abrasive one, but she just isn't staying in the same set of mind.
And that's enough of my ramblings xD Hope I was able to help some and let me know if things don't make sense. Happy writing,
~Wolfare
Interesting topics that you talk about... was that like Yoda-speak? I'm never quite sure.
This was soooooooo, sooooooooooo good. I haven't read the rest but of this but I definitely, positively, will. I'm so glad this was what I randomly selected to read out of everything in the Green Room.
You have a gorgeous plot, a diverse range of interesting characters, realistic emotions and an exciting universe/world so congratulations on creating and all-around-great-story!
Are Will and Bryn in a relationship? On the way to one? Are they committed? Do they even have feelings for each other or are they just close friends? I only ask because the way Will hugged her made me think of a boyfriend-girlfriend hug (that is worded really poorly but you get what I mean, right? If you don't... You know when you read romance and the love interests hug? Like in greeting? When one is sitting down? That's what happens, right? In my experience with romantic literature it is, anyway. So yeah, that's what I meant.)
This was thoroughly enjoyable and a fantastic read!!!!!
Heya Noelle, Pretzelsing here for a review of this continuing chapter in your novel.And yes! I am the first one here
(that's a victory for me <,<)
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?
I was really disappointed that you made that time gap where this part of the chapter is narrated five minutes after they are done. :/ I thought that you would stay in the "heat of the moment" and show us the first-hand action of Merith and Bryn running to the other side of the school. I think that would be a more insightful perspective, and frankly what I was expecting.
From this line, and the other line where Bryn hoped that Will wouldn't get hurt, I can't help but think that Bryn and Will might get romantically involved(like a subplot) somewhere down in the plot-line. It seems like you are dropping hints here. For ex. why did he just hug Bryn and not Merith, who actually found the second component on the brick wall? Or usually teammates just clap eachother on the back and high fives(think about your basketball and baseball kiddos that you teach-how do they react together to a win?)
I personally think that it a waaaay too cliche and over-used phrase. Yeah, of course I agree with teamwork and all that blah blah, but honestly, I think by this point, you don't have to write this. The readers know this, and it is even further explained when you talk about the traps and such.
This seemed to be a bit awkwardly phrased, in my opinion because Colton doesn't seem like the type of guy to say: "at all costs." And this rings kind of untrue, since I am sure that nobody would want to risk their lives to chase the "winners" of this exercise.
I personally felt like this paragraph isn't really needed here. Lemme explain the reason. In the last sentence, Bryn thinks that she couldn't care less about Sharna. So why would she care about her hair color? It just doesn't make sense, and kind of contradicts a point made here.
Do you really need to write all of that out? The title of the school, I mean. I think that by this point, Bryn doesn't need to refer to the school like this (and the readers already know) so I would just maybe call it Vido School. Shortens the name a lot.
This guy doesn't learn from his mistakes, hmm? It seems like this in his character, because he just helped them for another time, without thinking it through. That, of course did give them an advantage but this really shows how stupid and naive Colton is.
The word "certainly" feels like it made the sentence choppy and just disrupted the flow of the sentence. I would just delete it.
Now let's get to the overall. I like how this chapter really illustarted the envy and jealously between them and the rest of the school. I could almost feel the rubber burning, but I do agree with Bryn. They're going to have to realize that they are here for the same reason and that they just need to stop being jealous. I totally agree, and think wholeheartedly that this would help the situation a lot if this happened.
Bryn seems like the stronger one, while Merith seems like the more vulnerable one. I felt like she was scared at the ending, although she didn't try to show. You did you job well, Noelle, by showing us the fear in Merith, even when it wasn't supposed to be their or visible.
That's all I have for this chapter, and I truly hope that this review helps you improve your writing.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzelsing/