Totally didn't try to start reviewing Chapter 4.1 without reading this one (because I read the first sentenced and realized I was missing something.)
Anyway ~ Hai Noelle! I'm here. As I say in the next review, I haven't read this in a long, long, long time and so I may say some stupid stuff concerning what is going on. So, forgive me on that xD (Also, sorry that I won't be reading the other reviews ~ I'm lazy like that.)
Okay, I'm going to get really picky for a second. xD Sorry about this:
I stop on a dime.
Idioms are a great thing, I must admit, and they can help emphasize your point if they're common enough and presented in the right time. This one phrase really pulled me out of it because I've never heard of it before. For a second I thought she was stepping on like a dime shaped object that was about to blow her leg off. Then I had to look it up and sure enough! It's an idiom. It doesn't feel like the place for an idiom to me, since there's all this tension about and idioms are a lot more informal and casual and relaxed. It may just be my opinion but it sure as hell threw me off.
There’s a hallway to the right and a wall made completely of window to my left.
I'm pretty sure windows are made of glass, Noelle ^^ Window is not actually a substance.
So, around the time when that Cole person appears is when things start to get rather confusing for me. First, is this Cole Colton? Unless there was someone else named Cole, I believe it is, but then that would be so strange to have two different characters with such similar names. The only reason it's throwing me off is because Colton has always been referred to as "Colton" in the past, never Cole. So I'm just overall confused about who this is .-. Next, is this the reason Colton came back and gave Bryn her phone? This is the reason he was so weird? Oooooooh. I'm excited to find out what this was all about and if it was planned to end up like this. Or is it someone going against Vito? Tension!
Okay, so one thing that was bothering me throughout the entire thing up until the end when Bryn was forced to jump out the window was that the building was collapsing. That's why she had to jump out of the window. But for a long time in the middle, it was no longer being referenced and I had thought it just suddenly stopped. Did the building stop shaking? How did she not feel it, how did it not impact her at all? That's sort of a pressing dilemma, so I feel like it would be a lot more present in her thoughts.
Okay, then Will turned on the lasers to get the men out of Bryn's way, right? So, there really isn't enough scene while all this is taking place. I don't know anything about this room except it's white, there are some halls next to it, there is a case where the cup was (and cup was used far too often in this xD Find some synonyms!) and then there is a glass wall. That's cool, but what about the lasers? Where do they go in the room and how does Bryn not get sliced by them? Also, does Will ever turn them off, because there is not any mention of them being turned off but Bryn runs right there. And do the lasers not go all over the room? How was Bryn not sliced when he initially turned them on? Where was this other man? This final question isn't as pressing and confusing as the others but I'm just wondering how this all goes down. I'm just generally confused about this part.
So I think bile rising in Bryn's through it like the only thing that shows her disgust throughout this, which isn't much at all. For being first person, a lot more emotions should be poured into everything, and while you don't have to spend a whole seven paragraphs going on and on about how horrible she felt, a little more variety and a little more emphasis would do some good. There just isn't enough emotion I feel in response to everything that's happening.
Final big thing about this entire thing is a lot, a lot, a lot happens. And I mean wow xD It can be a little bit overwhelming because everything is just being fired at you one after another without relenting. Get a little more inner dialogue, more emotion going to break up all the stuff happening because I had to go back and reread spots several times before I got the jist of what was happening.
Just as I resolve to let the life slowly drain from my body I make my choice.
I might have lied on the final big thing but this line just feels really contradictory to me. So she decides "hey, I'm just going to bleed out here and die" but then her actual choice is to let Will die instead of her? I don't see her logic, I don't see her reasoning. Back to that emotion thing, I wish you would explain her reasoning a little more. What was going on in her head as she was forced to decide?
Okay! Now, yeah a lot of action happens in here which leaves me with quite a few unanswered questions dragging me on to the next part :3 What's Bryn going to do? Where's she going to end up? Will she make it back? Is she going to find a way to remember her past? It's really intense and exciting and while I can't say I was really drawn into the writing the entire time this time, I'm still very interesting!
Keep it up, Noelle ~
- Wolfe
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