It’s not a long walk to the room. It’s down the science hallway. Will is in another hallway, not too far from the library. I wish he could’ve come with me. I know that the best place for him to be is here in Control, but sometimes I just need him by my side. This is one of those times.
I place my hand on the doorknob, sending a shiver through my body. I can’t tell if it’s from the cold of my nerves.
Just as I’m about to open the door, I hear footsteps from down the hall. I freeze. No one else should be in the halls this early. But I quickly relax when I see it’s Kellar, Colton’s comms partner. As much as I don’t like Colton, I don’t hold it against Kellar. He’s the complete opposite of Colton if anything. Besides, how can I not like him? The boy is insanely good looking.
Even with the lack of light, I can still pick up his unbelievably tan skin and deep brown eyes. And that smile. I’ve never wanted anything with anyone before, but if he asked me I’d say yes in a heartbeat. Then again so would every girl in the school so I don’t think I stand a fair chance.
I immediately start to panic.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing here.
“So what’s got you up so early?”
Damn.
How do I tell him that I’ve been offered a mission without actually telling him I’ve been offered a mission? I can’t very much lie to Kellar. Those eyes draw out of me things I would never say in the first place.
“I’m not going to class today,” I blurt out. He raises an eyebrow and stuffs his hands in his pockets. I inwardly groan. Where am I going with this? “Yeah, I have um... detention."
A smile spreads across Kellar’s lips. “Bryn Patterson, detention’s one and only life long member.” His eyes are laughing and it relaxes me.
“Well I best be going,” he says, gazing off down the hallway. “I was finishing up a lab and I feel asleep. Just woke up. Guess I should get back to the dorm, huh? Oh, do you happen to know what time it is?”
I glance down at my watch -- I think this might count as a personal item so I’ll have to scrap it soon -- the first time I’ve looked at it since Colton burst into my room. “It’s 05:34.” Not long before classes start. I hope no first levels make their way down this hallway trying to make sure they’re early.
“Thanks,” he replies, yawning. “Good luck with whatever it is you’ll be doing. See you around.” He smiles at me and I almost melt under his gaze. I watch until he turns the corner, then quickly turn the handle and push through the door.
Just as I shut it behind me, I realize that I didn’t check my surroundings before walking in here, only looked to make sure no one was watching. There could’ve been someone coming up behind me. They might try to sneak in and compromise the mission before it even begins!
Stop it. You’re just being paranoid. I remind myself.
The room I’ve walked into is pitch black, much darker than the hallway outside. Why does everything have to be so dark here? I stumble to the wall and run my hand along it, trying to locate a light switch. There is none. Thinking it’s motion activated, I take a few cautious steps forward. Nothing.
“Headmaster Caddarick?” I call out. Did I get here before him? No, Clemet said he would be waiting for me. And Caddarick leaves no one waiting.
Suddenly there’s a click and lights shine down from the ceiling. They don’t illuminate the entire room though, just the middle of it. Under the harsh lighting I see a single, cylinder stand. I hesitate before walking forward.
When I reach the center of the room I look up. The ceiling is much higher than should be possible, making it look like I’m standing in the middle of a sports arena rather than a classroom. There are tiny black tiles covering the area above me, shimmering even in the small spheres of light.
The stand in front of me is made of the same material. The way the light reflects off of it in all directions almost stops me. It’s hard to see anything on it because it’s so bright, but I can see a single piece of paper sitting there. Carefully, I pick up the paper. It’s thin and rather transparent. We’ve used this type of paper in our coding class before. It’s easy to write a message on both sides to confuse anyone not trained to read it.
It’s easy enough to figure out this code. There are only certain letters that match up on both sides. That’s the message.
Your mission. Retrieve the cup. Do not be seen. Return in less than two hours. Transportation provided. Immediately I set a countdown on my watch. I don’t care anymore that this is a personal item I was asked not to bring. I need it.
Suddenly I’m plunged into darkness again and the paper I’m holding slips from my grasp as a huge gust of wind passes by. There shouldn’t be any wind; I’m inside.
The floor starts to shake, all while the wind is howling in my ears. I’ve never experienced an earthquake before, but this must be what it feels like. My knees wobble as I try to stay upright. I finally give in and get on the ground. The wind has a definite chill to it and I’m left shivering, trying to keep myself steady as I fight the elements.
I lay there praying that this will stop and if I’m going to die that I die quick. But this is just an earthquake. People survive earthquakes all the time. Right?
It stops just as suddenly as it came on. Everything is once again still. There’s another click, this one quieter than the first, and a sliver of light snakes into the room against the opposite wall. A door has opened, one I’m sure I’m supposed to go through. I look down to check the timer on my watch, but find that it’s gone. How am I supposed to know how much time I have left?
I push myself up and dust off my clothes. Looking back, I see the door that I came through is gone. Or maybe the new door is really the old door and I got disoriented during the earthquake. I rub my eyes in frustration. None of this is making any sense.
Yet there’s no need for me to sit around and wonder. Caddarick chose me for this mission and I must complete it. Whatever else is going on here is just added distractions that I don’t need. Right now I have to get through that door and see what awaits me on the other side.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Burned 3.2Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Catching up, hooray me! The same drill as always, lazy me, nitpicks first, commenting as I go~
What material? This sentence completely threw me off, and even after rereading the paragraph right before this, with the light before everything goes all wonky, I still don't know what she was talking about. Perhaps mention color?
(You're so evil xD Leaving me with such a good chapter. This will probably be quite the short review.)
What I don't understand is why does Bryn relax around Kellar? I mean, sure she's actually a teenaged human girl with feelings and adorableness -- because holy cow was she cute, and I facepalmed so hard at her blushness, because all kinds of yes -- but really? She's worrying about people coming around and she sees the guy who works with her enemy and relaxes? I guess, perhaps you could mention something about her being at least a little on edge, or even snap back with a "What are you doing?" to herself. Not just panicking again without thinking about what she just did :3
Also, I don't understand why Colton took her phone in the first place. And then give it right back. Wouldn't Colton want to check out why her phone is buzzing and buzzing and buzzing? Or could he not get into it for whatever reason? I wish there were a little more specifics about this and what happened with the phone itself. (Plus, Colton just seems like an idiot for stealing and then giving it right back...)
Alright, granted I have never been in an earthquake myself either, and I wonder why Bryn thinks this is one. If there were an earthquake, more than likely things would be falling off the ceiling or flying around the room (if there were thinks to fly, because I don't know what's in there), etc. Plus, I feel like she would be a bit more panicked perhaps? Think about it some.
Alright, I have nothing else to say xD I've struggled with this review enough and I'm uber excited for what's to come. I love a good spy story and a great bad ass main character, and we have to much to find out about Bryn, holy cow! Can't wait for the next part! ^^
Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare
Ahhh, Colton. He's a very complicated person :3 I luv him for it.
Noelle, this is some nice, simple and clean writing. It was an easy and enjoyable read. I noticed a few places where utilizing the active voice would yield to some stronger writing. Here are my suggestions:
Whenever you're describing the character's actions, try to avoid describing the actions in terms of the hands doing the actions. A definitive "I grab/touch the doorknob" is active and sounds much better, whereas "I place my hand on the doorknob" is passive.
"His eyes are laughing" is also in the passive voice. It sounds like something is happening to his eyes, rather than his eyes doing the action. I suggest changing it to "His eyes laugh, and this relaxes me."
I haven't read any of the first chapters, but I would like to know more about her incentive for taking on the mission. As it is, she's just retrieving a cup for Caddarick. Why is it so important to her? What will happen if she fails? As this seems to be a part of a later chapter in the novel, you don't need to go into detail about it, but I think it needs to show that she's desperate to complete this mission.
I hope these suggestions help you.
-Dream.
Heya Noelle, Pretzelsing here for a review of this work,which is in the Green Room for this fine Review Day.

Let's dance,darling!
I really like that the action of this mission has started in this chapter. It feels like Bryn is finally doing something, somehow investing in her future,because of course everyone wants to be an agent.
~This whole paragraph is information and more information and more information. Why do I need to know the location of the hallway which Bryn is traveling through?Why would I,as the reader care? But I gotta say, awww <3 Bryn is yearning for Will to come and be her companion, and I think that you are really building their relationship here. I wonder if Will feels the same way at all.
~When I first read this sentence, I was pretty confused. You need to change "of" to "or" which is a conjuction to connect these two sentences.
~I don't think so. She didn't start to panic immediately, if you look at the context and the text/thoughts before that. Your word choice needs some help here,with this specific sentence, and so I would just delete the word "immediately."
~The way this sentence is put,simply doesn't work. I can't really seem to connect the ideas together,and I had to reread this a couple of times to get an idea of what you are talking about. I think that you need to rephrase it,and play around with the clauses/prepostional phrases here.
~This is a really nity grity nitpick, but I think that you have to choose one name to call him. Either Clement or Caddarick because even though this is his first and last name, it gets me really confused here.
~I gotta give it to you,Noelle. You have a knack for pointing out the obvious
~Word choice ping. I don't think that Bryn is feeling frustration. I think that she is feeling confusion about her surrondings. She doesn't know anything about the door, and so she feels . . . disoriented. I personally think that this is the best word to fit in here.
~I like the last sentence, but I wouldn't really consider it a cliffhanger. It's more like a pausing point so that you could continue to the next chapter.
~Just a thing to consider: How did she decipher the message on the paper so quickly? Is she some sort of genius, because I think that you should have given some time lapse in there. Some room for her brain to process it and figure it out,before she whispered it ourloud. I don't know if this is just me, but it would take me quite a while to read backwards letters on an almost invisible paper.
~I was so confused by the thoughts in Bryn's head about Kellar. She never mentioned him before, and I feel like she is wasting her time on him, by trying to make idle chit-chat with him,when she has an important mission to fulfill here. Why didn't she mention her secret attraction to him.
and I was personally disappointed because I thought that she should fall for Will~Overall, if to be perfectly honest,this chapter is the filler, plainly written just to get Bryn transported. I don't feel like there is anything excited, or twisted in here. I'll admit that the only thing that surprised me,probably as much as Bryn was the transportation method of an earthquake and wind. Who would have thought of that? I wonder how that works? Maybe I'll just have to keep on reading to see . . . *rambles on*
Anways,that's all that I have for this chapter Noelle. I hope that this helps you improve your writing and if you have any questions/comments,you know where to find me.
/Pretzel/
Caddarick is the Headmaster and Clemet is a professor. Reading that sentence back now I see it was poorly written :/