"Look at the sky," he'd always say in that dreamy, wistful tone of his. With a small smile on his face. He'd draw out the words longer than they should be. She thought of him now - her grandfather - as she stared out at the sunset in front of her. Yellows, oranges, and pinks melted together in a perfect combination. He would have liked it, yes.
If he was beside her, her grandfather would probably stay silent, taking it in as she was now. Not saying a word but acknowledging its beauty. He had enjoyed the sunsets and the girl took after him. The sunrises were too early in the morning but sunsets at a perfect time.
She inhaled slowly, swallowing back the forming tears. The aroma of the salty, sea air filled her senses. His Charlie Brown tie hung precariously in her loose grip. It was a Christmas-themed one, with small cartoons of Charlie Brown and friends dotting it, with the occasional snowman here and there. He was known for his ties, having a fine collection.
She looked back at the sky. The sun was almost gone now, peeking out from behind the ocean. The sky was still a mix of colors but more faded now, the night taking over. She took a breath, running her fingers down the tie.
She pressed it close to her chest and smiled sadly.
"I'm looking at the sky, Grandpa."
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i find this absolutely beautiful. may he rest in peace.
the descriptions are quite beautiful as well, i can imagine the sunset…the sea air…
i love this writing, and i’m sorry he passed away.
Thank you so much <3
What a lovely tribute to your grandfather.
The only thing I noticed was the glaring, and cardinal mistake of telling the reader, and not showing us. “She inhaled slowly, swallowing back the forming tears.” That was one example. I included a link to hopefully help.
https://www.writerswrite.co.za/106-ways ... be-sounds/
Thank you
Hey there! This is a very sentimental piece, and I feel as though you've shared a personal bit of your heart of your own experience here. I found as I read it that the personal touches make it tug at the heart of the reader. You started off with the mention of the sky - the sunset specifically - which sets a peaceful tone from the beginning. Your use of color enhances the visual image, so I'd recommend seeing what you can do to get even more creative with imagery to improve it further.
I would like to point out a sentence that could use a bit of specific work. It is where you wrote:
"In her hands, his Charlie Brown tie hung precariously from them."
It just sounds a little wonky. You've already said, "in her hands," so to say "from them" seems like an unnecessary repetition. I'd suggest something like, "She held his Charlie Brown tie loosely in her hands" or "His Charlie Brown tie hung precariously in her loose grip." There are multiple ways you can adjust it.
I really like how you came back and finished with the mention of the sky. It's a nice circular sort of ending that brings us back to the original theme. Good job.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your kind review
Hey pineapple321!
RandomTalks here with a very short review!
This was a really heartfelt piece and I love all the emotions that you have portrayed here with different variations - the narrator's love for her grandfather, her grief at his passing away, her longing to see him again, and the pain and acceptance with which she witnesses a sunset without her grandfather. It was a really beautiful piece, and the shortness of it just made it feel more final. Because that is what loss is - final. And I loved how at the end of the prose, you showed that even the narrator understands this and acknowledges the harsh reality of her loss.
I like how you have started the story here with the use of 'would', for the simple reason that he no longer 'can'. The theme of loss is strong and evident right from the beginning and it forms the backdrop of this beautiful scene of a sunset and mars it with sadness. I really liked how you continued it throughout the piece - telling us what her grandfather would have done if he was here. It makes his absence all the more painful and at the same time, it gives us an understanding of his character. Even if her grandfather is not present in this story, his personality is evident in every thought of the granddaughter. You have given him such a strong presence, that if we close our eyes, we can just imagine he is there in the scene beside the narrator.
I love the play of colors that you have used here. Just a single line, and you have painted a really vibrant picture with it. While I really like the simplicity of this description and the firmness of the narrator's thought that her grandfather indeed would have loved such a sunset, I also think that maybe you could have expanded on this part. The entire theme of the story is tied to this beautiful sunset that the narrator can no longer watch with her grandfather. Therefore, a little more details, a little elaborate description of the sky would have painted an even more vivid picture and strengthened the sense of grief and pain in the narrator.
Again, a beautiful incorporation of the grandfather's personality and showing rather than telling us what kind of a person he was.
And that was a really great way to end the story. The one sentence at the end, spoken out loud, was an epilogue in itself, and you make us feel so much with just a few words. The clearing of the sky and the settling in of the night can almost be viewed as a metaphor. The ending reflects the narrator's acceptance, and tells us that just maybe, she is going to be okay.
Overall, this was a really great piece. I really liked the simplicity with which you have portrayed a rather profound and irreversible aspect of life. It was strong, emotional and felt like a short glimpse into something very personal of someone's life. If this was written from life, then I am really sorry for your loss. If not, then thank you very much for sharing this story.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Yes, this was based on true events, I lose my grandpa recently. Thank you for your kind review
Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!!
I am not very sure of how to review it and if it will be right if I review it, but I will. It was a very sad one. I haven't seen my grandfather in my life...He passed away before my birth, but still I felt a lot from this story. It had a whole lots of emotions which made me feel how the narrator was feeling while writing the story.
You captured a beautiful moment and it was so sad for the narrator. Sadness in beauty, it was. It also kind of represented the time of dusk... the time which is sometimes believed to be the time of sadness and for unhappy people to come out. All in all, it was an excellent short moment here. I wonder if it can really be called a story because it actually captures a scene and not really a character's journey as other stories do, but it was quite good.
I really loved how such a short moment as this succeeded at capturing a lot of thoughts, emotions and feelings of the narrator. This little moment very well portrayed the great relation between the narrator and her grandfather. They knew each other a lot and were very good friends. Also, both of them were very interested in nature.
Tiny nitpicks:
I think excluding the s from the colors will make them sound a little better.
If he were, not was. As it's a conditional sentence, we use were. And here, in the context of this particular story, it's very important to use were. It's going to help a lot to denote the absence of the person and how the girl yearns to have her grandpa back.
I am not very sure about what this line is supposed to mean but I guess this should be written as " His charlie Brown tie hung in her hands".
That was all. I hope you are okay now.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Thank you for your kind review and critiques!