Victim

I have read and re-read other poems by paula08. There can be no doubt that this young girl has promise as a writer, though it is just as obvious that she still has some hard work ahead of her before that promise is fulfilled.

This poem can be easily translated in any language and it will not shame the writer because it has universal appeal. I was touched when I read it the first time and enjoyed it more by the second and third reading.

Some critical comments:

''but in the end let's face the world, what happens if you fail?'' and ''but will this make your heart heal and stop it from falling apart?'' are too long.

I suggest you read high-quality literary books and stick with the authors and poets who truly inspire you. Use original metaphors and avoid clichéd ones. Mind punctuation and rhythm.

Heya, paula08! I'm here to review.

Okay, let's start off with this.

"that you'll be always safe and sound"

"where the tigers don't make a sound."

I think "sound" isn't meant to be used twice. Maybe in the last line, you could say,

"where the tigers don't pounce."

It doesn't have to rhyme wholly, just whatever works for you.


'Heads or Tails?'

I have a feeling "Tails" shouldn't be capitalized. Unless you meant to.

"The rumours will haunt you"

I said this to another person one time, but are you British? Rumours is the British way to spell rumors.

"up to your dreams making them nightmares"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there supposed to be a comma after "dreams"?

And also, in some stanzas, I think there's supposed to be a comma, but I'll leave that to you. This was amazing, and this awesome poem really caught my eye. I hope I see more of you in the Green Room! Byezeez!

This was an awesome piece of work. My internet has been down lately so im glad that the first poem that caught my eye was a good piece of work. The writing and some of the rhyming was very good but some of the metaphors could have had a little more detail or just be changed all together like the line "cutting through you with lasers". I cant help but laugh at the word lasers in there maybe because everytime i hear it i think of the way Dr. Evil said it in Austin Powers haha. I do love the line "let you be treated like a ghost in the living world" this line has alot of power behind it. People that are victimized usually do tend to feel this way because whatevery traumatizing event they endured they feel completely empty and dead inside, so a great line this is. All in all this was a great poem and i enjoyed reading it.

wow! this is a amazzing poem..
filled with the truth
I really enjoyed this poem. I loved how you managed to create a great rhythm, and while it's obvious you had a formatting problem, you made the stanzas prominent. I loved the lack of rhyme. It made this poem so original and interesting to read.

The only complaints I have is the lack of punctuation. Try adding in a few more commas here and there and you'll be spot on!

The only other complaint I have is that some lines disrupt the rhythm.

but will this make your heart heal and stop it from falling apart?



Just lines like this. Here's a hint. If there are one or two lines that are longer than the rest, this usually (but not always) indicates that the rhythm will be disrupted. Here's another example.

but in the end let's face the world, what happens if you fail?



I hope this helped. Again, great poem! You did an awesome job.

I really enjoyed this poem. I loved how you managed to create a great rhythm, and while it's obvious you had a formatting problem, you made the stanzas prominent. I loved the lack of rhyme. It made this poem so original and interesting to read.

The only complaints I have is the lack of punctuation. Try adding in a few more commas here and there and you'll be spot on!

The only other complaint I have is that some lines disrupt the rhythm.

but will this make your heart heal and stop it from falling apart?

but in the end let's face the world, what happens if you fail?

Wow, this is great! I just love the lines:

"A wrong step is all it takes

to conquer the eyes of the tigers"

It fits really well with the poem, and it all flows together really well.
The way you round it off too is great, very good work!