Hi! This is my first post (a sestina) and I would really appreciate it if anyone reviews it. Well, hope you like it :)
Saying Goodbye
The thunderstorm roared with my endless tears,
I could see the blurred coffin going down.
The darkness was consuming it away
taking with it all the laughter and warmth.
Her time crept over her too soon, too fast!
There was nothing I could do, she was dead.
The wind swept away the souls of the dead,
but nothing could dry out my sorrow tears.
I could not keep up, it was just too fast.
The pain, grief, loss were pulling me down
into illusions that contained no warmth.
I wished it all to end, to go away.
The wind like carried my future away.
Nothing could have held it as she was dead.
Memories of her created some warmth,
but then again they also brought back tears.
Darkness surrounded her hugging her down,
I tried to fight it but it was too fast.
She had such a short life, it ended to fast,
death got to her and swallowed her away.
Stopping her heart beat and moving her down,
towards an unknown place, to join the dead.
My vision shattered like glass with the tears
erasing out any traces of warmth.
This was too harsh; there was no place for warmth.
Illusions flashed into my head so fast.
I could feel her wiping away my tears,
I tried to reach her but was too far away.
I wanted to be with her, to be dead.
Since everything seemed to be crumbling down.
Memories of her would never lie down.
I will never forget her love and warmth.
She will always be here though she is dead,
just to prevent me from thinking too fast
and from grief to take me away.
Her shadowy presence holds back my tears.
Death took her down unexpectedly fast.
He drunk her warmth and moved her far away,
Near the dead leaving me here to shed tears.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
You've got a lot of emotion packed into those lines. I love the style of writing, and it really flows together. Your word choice was phenomenal, and it really brought that emotion to the surface. Also, the grammar is great! I look forward to reading more of your work! As always, good luck to you and your writing.
Thank you very much. I' m really pleased that you liked it.
This poem is very emotional. However, it is also very relatable! For this to be your first post, it's really good! I love the way you chose your words, they add on to the emotional effect! This brought tears to my eyes, and I hope to see many more from you!
Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
Hi paula08,
This is a very emotional poem and almost leaves you with a lump in your throat,but I still really liked it.It is really good as a lot of people will be able to connect with this Poem of they had lost loved ones.if this is from personal experience I'm sorry for you loss :,(.if its not you are very very creative.i think sometimes you missed adding a comma in but apart from that it was great.Well done!
-Hanorah
Thanks a lot.
Oh, it's alright. At least it's not as bad as submitting something with fifteen hundred typos. XD (I do that a lot.) Congrats on your first post.
Definitely haven't seen many of those.
I really don't think "like" fits in with your tone at all. Why did you suddenly turn into a valley girl?? Hm! Maybe you could just replace "like" with "then." Or just reword it.Oh! A sestina.
"Sorrow tears" -- alright, LOVE that part, it *really* gives the word "tears" life because surprisingly it's such a novel coupling.
Oh! In the first line of the fourth stanza, "to" should be "too."
Hm. I noticed that you put commas at the ends of some lines (such as the first line of the first stanza and the third line of the fifth stanza) and not on others, and it seems a bit random to me. On other lines you put periods, so why have a comma there? What's the difference? You use proper grammar through most of it, so why have a splice right there?
Also, is this a typo or something?:
The "He" at the end--you're talking about God, right? I was a bit confused at first since most of the letters starting a line are capitalized, but after a bit of thought I couldn't figure out what else it could be.
And now comes the hard part here. To be honest, I think the biggest problem with this is that the words you choose to end your lines are so . . . overdone. I've seen them hundreds of times before. Heck, I've used them hundreds of times before. I think that this could be reddemed if the words inside your lines were also more interesting, but again, most of them aren't very striking or are cliche.
Everything is also so abstract. Some of the best ways to get people to feel emotions is not to tell them what you're feeling, but to give them the picture and then have them feel it along with you. You're trying to put so much emotion in, I can tell, but it's falling flat because most of the words aren't concrete enough. The biggest thing in a sestina is the words you end the lines with, right? I think what you need to do is look for some very novel and striking words to describe the death. Concrete objects and actions that paint a very definite picture. If you want to keep with the storm idea in the first stanza, words like gust, violet, black, sinking, heave, etc. Nouns, verbs, words with *force*.
That being said, though, a sestina is really hard to do well, and I think this is a tremendous effort! I'm kind of being overcritical, I think, because I know I couldn't do any better. :/ (I wouldn't have even thought to do a sestina in the first place!) I have to commend you on doing it!
I hope my suggestions helped.
Hi! This is the poem. Sorry I guess I didn't submit it right
Saying Goodbye
The thunderstorm roared with my endless tears,
I could see the blurred coffin going down.
The darkness was consuming it away
taking with it all the laughter and warmth.
Her time crept over her too soon, too fast!
There was nothing I could do, she was dead.
The wind swept away the souls of the dead,
but nothing could dry out my sorrow tears.
I could not keep up, it was just too fast.
The pain, grief, loss were pulling me down
into illusions that contained no warmth.
I wished it all to end, to go away.
The wind like carried my future away.
Nothing could have held it as she was dead.
Memories of her created some warmth,
but then again they also brought back tears.
Darkness surrounded her hugging her down,
I tried to fight it but it was too fast.
She had such a short life, it ended to fast,
death got to her and swallowed her away.
Stopping her heart beat and moving her down,
towards an unknown place, to join the dead.
My vision shattered like glass with the tears
erasing out any traces of warmth.
This was too harsh; there was no place for warmth.
Illusions flashed into my head so fast.
I could feel her wiping away my tears,
I tried to reach her but was too far away.
I wanted to be with her, to be dead.
Since everything seemed to be crumbling down.
Memories of her would never lie down.
I will never forget her love and warmth.
She will always be here though she is dead,
just to prevent me from thinking too fast
and from grief to take me away.
Her shadowy presence holds back my tears.
Death took her down unexpectedly fast.
He drunk her warmth and moved her far away,
Near the dead leaving me here to shed tears.
Il-kelma 'tears' hi uzata spiss, Paula. Trid timplika aktar milli taghti bl-imgharfa lill-qarrej. Imma tqis li hi wahda minn tal-bidu nett, nahseb tghaddi bhala poezija.
Din hija l-ewwel poezija li ktibt u hija sestina. Jekk innutajt,l-ahhar kelma ta kull vers fl-ewwel stanza, qighda tigi irrepetuta fl-istanzi kollha.