Hey there, paula08! IronSpark here - not for review day, but because I'm lazy and didn't finish NaRevMo AND I WILL I PROMISE WELL PROBABLY NOT WELL I DON'T THINK YOU CARE WHAT I WRITE IN CAPS SO I'M GOING TO STOP.
This poem is a bit short for me to really review in depth, so let's focus on one thing here and really explore it, poet-to-poet. And let's do it in one long paragraph because-in internet parlance- you only live once.
Okay. So the only thing I'd tell you to do with this is to think about your abstractions. I see a lot of words like "world" and "promise", which are (contrary to popular belief) actually tear down your connection to the reader, instead of strengthening it. We don't use those words (in this context, anyway) in our heads, and that makes it so blatantly obvious that this is a poem. You want your poem to sound as natural and inspirational as possible, which can't happen if it contains buzzwords like this. You get my drift? Look, here's an example. The phrase "everyday Americans" is used when politicians want to talk about your average American citizen. But do /real/ "everyday Americans" call themselves "everyday Americans"? Nope. And that's why, although it's technically true, those words have never and will never resonate with the American people--including those "everyday Americans" the politicians are talking about. And that's sort of what you're doing here. These concepts that are supposed to unite people are overused and do exactly the opposite. I'm not trying to be harsh here as a reviewer. What I mean is that to really be powerful, you need to be specific. Not all poems have to be image driven... including yours! But you do need to give the readers' eyes something to focus on. Especially in this modern world, we all have this need for constant stimulation, intellectual and visual. And if you choose not to give us one of those two, then you need to make it up with the other one. Give us new and fresh and complex ideas! Give us words! We want more as humans in the 21st century. We want intellectual sustenance. We want ideas to chew on! A lot of writers go for the easy (relative to your strategy) stuff: imagery. But I feel like you have something more here. The potential to get away from these abstractions and really connect to your audience is right there in the poem. You just need to step away and think about your word choice. You're so close, Paula, as a writer and poet and thinker and human. I know you can do it!
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Well. That was quite a rant. Since I have to move on and try not to fail at RevMo, PM me if you have any questions. I would right now. And sorry for the unnecessary commas. I always use them, you know.
DFTBA!
IronSpark
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