Young Writers Society

Hey there, paula08! IronSpark here - not for review day, but because I'm lazy and didn't finish NaRevMo AND I WILL I PROMISE WELL PROBABLY NOT WELL I DON'T THINK YOU CARE WHAT I WRITE IN CAPS SO I'M GOING TO STOP.

This poem is a bit short for me to really review in depth, so let's focus on one thing here and really explore it, poet-to-poet. And let's do it in one long paragraph because-in internet parlance- you only live once.

Okay. So the only thing I'd tell you to do with this is to think about your abstractions. I see a lot of words like "world" and "promise", which are (contrary to popular belief) actually tear down your connection to the reader, instead of strengthening it. We don't use those words (in this context, anyway) in our heads, and that makes it so blatantly obvious that this is a poem. You want your poem to sound as natural and inspirational as possible, which can't happen if it contains buzzwords like this. You get my drift? Look, here's an example. The phrase "everyday Americans" is used when politicians want to talk about your average American citizen. But do /real/ "everyday Americans" call themselves "everyday Americans"? Nope. And that's why, although it's technically true, those words have never and will never resonate with the American people--including those "everyday Americans" the politicians are talking about. And that's sort of what you're doing here. These concepts that are supposed to unite people are overused and do exactly the opposite. I'm not trying to be harsh here as a reviewer. What I mean is that to really be powerful, you need to be specific. Not all poems have to be image driven... including yours! But you do need to give the readers' eyes something to focus on. Especially in this modern world, we all have this need for constant stimulation, intellectual and visual. And if you choose not to give us one of those two, then you need to make it up with the other one. Give us new and fresh and complex ideas! Give us words! We want more as humans in the 21st century. We want intellectual sustenance. We want ideas to chew on! A lot of writers go for the easy (relative to your strategy) stuff: imagery. But I feel like you have something more here. The potential to get away from these abstractions and really connect to your audience is right there in the poem. You just need to step away and think about your word choice. You're so close, Paula, as a writer and poet and thinker and human. I know you can do it!

-

Well. That was quite a rant. Since I have to move on and try not to fail at RevMo, PM me if you have any questions. I would right now. And sorry for the unnecessary commas. I always use them, you know.

DFTBA!
IronSpark

Hey there! Thanks for requesting a review in my review thread.

Now, this is a pretty short poem, and I'n not sure how much I've got to say, so this review might be a little bit shorter than most of mine are. Having said that, let's get to it!

Formatting
Honestly, it really isn't working for me. The periods between stanzas really throw me off, and since the last three stanzas are only one line, it makes your message a bit disjointed.

In case you don't know how to format stanzas on here, I'll give you a quick lesson: if you want to make a new stanza, you press enter. If you want the new line to be in the same stanza, press shift+enter.

For example, your first stanza would look like this:
"A promise concealed in tears [shift+enter here]
reflects patterns of wonders to be [shift+enter here]
plastering confidence that settles all sears." [just shift here to form the new stanza]

I hope that example helped, I know it's a bit confusing to explain. If you have any questions, just ask me.

Meaning
I'm not quite sure what the message of this poem is. I don't quite understand it. I'll just tell you what I'm thinking.

reflects patterns of wonders to be

plastering confidence that settles all sears.

Hey there! I'm here to take a look at this, as requested, of course!

I'd like to start off with your punctuation. Don't beat a dead horse, I know, but you don't need a comma at the end of every line. It actually interrupts your flow -- which I'll talk about in a minute -- and doesn't let the reader fully enjoy the images and emotions you're trying to evoke. I would recommend writing this poem out as a couple of sentences and seeing where the commas and periods fit in. Of course, you can always go the extreme free-verse route and not use any punctuation whatsoever, which has its own emotional cues attached to it.

So let's talk about flow. Flow is, in my opinion, one of the most important things a poet can focus on. It's something you either want to encourage or completely shatter, depending on the effect you want it to have on your reader -- and "completely shatter" usually applies to longer poems that have an established flow, rhythm, and style, so they can create a breaking point or a pause in the work.

Your poem has incredibly little flow. Part of it is because of the punctuation -- at the end of every line, I have to stop and pause and then consciously go on to the next line. Part of it is simply because of your word choice and how the words don't quite fit together.

Diction goes hand in hand with flow. In order to create a flow, you have to create some kind of pattern for your readers to recognize, whether it's with syllables or words, something that they can latch onto. It doesn't matter if it's a conscious or subconscious decision on their part; what matters is that there's some kind of pattern.

Something that can be really helpful is saying your poem out loud. That way, you get an idea of how the poem flows when it's being read, and you can hear how some of your vowels and consonants may sound odd next to each other.

Now let me touch on poetic form and how the poem is presented to the reader. Because this work is so short, it's incredibly important to make sure it's formatted exactly how you want, so it'll have the maximum impact on the person reading it. And because of that, stanza separation like the periods you have really interrupts how the reader perceives the work, and it can interrupt images big time.

If you're having trouble with formatting your poetry, there are plenty of people on YWS who are willing to help! I know a few Publishing Center shortcuts of my own, and there's even an article on it in the Knowledge Base: How to Format Poetry

I wish you the best of luck! Keep writing!

This is a short but very powerful poem. I like how you rhyme the beginning, and then stop rhyming at the end to make it dramatic. My only suggestion is watch your tenses, for example: "concealed" and "falling" are two different tenses.. but otherwise the poem is great and I like how you have to try to analyze it, keep up the good work!

"A promise concealed in tears,

reflects patterns of wonders to be,

plastering confidence that settles all sears.

.

Until the last tear trails,

.

with a glistering dance,

.

falling down in the hands of the world."


This is very well done and analytical I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!
-Kenz:)

Hello paula! racket here to review your work!
Okay, I really like this, it's very emotional and well done. Good job! I really enjoyed this!
My first suggestion would to take lines one through three and put them into one stanza, 'cause the way the poem is put right now is hard to read. It is a little blocky, and the reader feels the need to pause between each line, which I think was the point, but it makes it hard to grasp the message of the poem. I would leave the last three lines separate, though, as it does add some great emphasis on that last line.
I would suggest possibly changing 'sears' to 'scars'? I always think of 'sears' as more of a verb than a noun, but that may just be me. Anyways, no particular reason for changing it, than I think sears doesn't work very well in the context.
I really like how you did your capitalization, and it will make more sense if you do put those first three lines into one stanza.

falling down in the hands of the world.

falling down into the hands of the world.

The effect that you create in this poem is certainly impactful. My favorite line is "plastering confidence that settles all sears." The line is powerful and the rhythm is spot on.
If we take your syntax and technical writing into account, I don't believe there's much to change. Each line stands on its own yet the poem as a whole is unified.
If I may nitpick at the last line- I'm not sure it's powerful enough to end such a cutting poem, or that the wording is quite right. Perhaps experiment with some more meaningful or descriptive words in the last line. I mean, the ending suffices here, but I feel like it could use a little more oomph. It just seems out of place in the poem or it's not giving me enough to leave me with a lasting impression.
Overall, this is a wonderfully written poem! I truly enjoyed reading this. You show such talent and control, and I applaud you for that!
Happy writing!