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138,658 Literary Works • 672,190 Reviews
Hey ongoeslife.
I liked the beginning of your poem. The use of thwip and the relation between the object and her emotions was a very good beginning. And then the use of 'endless shuffle' made me understand the fact that nothing in her life never changes. It was a good beginning. But then it was over already. I would've liked it more if it was longer and the idea of solitaire being her life and losing its meaning being expanded on.
I understand the word play, but I only understood it after you stated in the previous comment. If you increased the poem in length and empathizes her dull life instead of summing it up in two lines, it would make that word play clearer. And if you did that and left the beginning the same, I would really like that poem.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Deanie x
Oops, it's here twice... O.o
Thanks for your review! It's very helpful. =) As stated before, I am working to make it longer and better; your input helps me do that!
Thanks again!
~Ongoeslife
Hey ongoeslife.
I liked the beginning of your poem. The use of thwip and the relation between the object and her emotions was a very good beginning. And then the use of 'endless shuffle' made me understand the fact that nothing in her life never changes. It was a good beginning. But then it was over already. I would've liked it more if it was longer and the idea of solitaire being her life and losing its meaning being expanded on.
I understand the word play, but I only understood it after you stated in the previous comment. If you increased the poem in length and empathizes her dull life instead of summing it up in two lines, it would make that word play clearer. And if you did that and left the beginning the same, I would really like that poem.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Deanie x
Hi there! So I thought I'd give you a few words on this and I do mean a few words as I'm always self-conscious when the review is double the length of the piece
Abuse against short poetry aside, I feel like this isn't working. There's a good idea behind it and I like the theme but I think you need to stop and ask yourself if there's enough to make a poem.
I also didn't get a very strong sense of loneliness; there was more you could have done with open lines and maybe some clever isolation of words to convey that emotion and I found the last two lines so flat. Perhaps you wanted them to be dull to reflect the wording, but it's one of those occasions of don't tell us it makes for a dull night, show us! What else is going on in her home? Give us snap shots of the lonely meal she cooked for one and maybe nibbled as she pushed the cards around, dabbing pizza grease on their edges.
Is there silence? The low hum of a television she's left on in the adjacent room because without some measure of noise she would go crazy?
All of this advice is very vague and general so I'm going to jump to a line and give you an example of how you might have done more with it:
Alright so you give us aces which is the factual morsel and then you give us deuces and the reader perks up because that's a clever piece of word play and meandering from the subject. Unfortunately you then jump back to the mundane with kings. Try not to do that! Having the decoy in the middle takes the fun away. What you want to do is to play tricks on your reader and set up their expectations, then knock them down.
For example, you might have had 'of queens, kings and deuces' which would have thrown the reader who expected aces to come up next. Or you could go for the double bluff and have 'of aces, deuces and bathrooms'. Obviously with bathrooms to be replaced with anything of your choice. The idea would be that the reader thinks the trick is in deuces and already over so when they get to bathrooms, they are completely duped. And from there you give us a snapshot of her life and who she is. What does a lonely woman think about when playing cards alone?
I hope this gives you a few ideas and feel free to ask if you have any questions!
All the best,
Heather xx
Thank you for your review! I will try to work in a more lonely/bored feel.
I'm very confused on your whole "aces, deuces, and kings" tangent. How is deuces a play on words?
Hey! This is very, very short. I think there's a good idea here but I don't know... It's written well, I don't see any kind of errors. I kinda just don't understand the point of this I guess. It's nice, though.
I know it is. It seems to me that famous poets are allowed to write very short poems, yet for some reason, I'm not.
(Not picking on you; it's just that I get that a LOT.)
It's meant to be a sort-of play on words, with solitaire and solitary. Basically, she's been playing solitaire so much that it's become dull- no one is ever around to play anything different. Does that make any sense, or did I completely confuse you/spoil the poem for you?