So beautiful! I love this!
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Burdened with guilt and failure,
I hung my head with shame.
He stood before me,
the judge of all my crimes.
I knew I was at fault;
there was no hope for me.
I cringed, expecting the just words
of condemnation.
He touched His hand
to my cheek and
lifted my chin so
I could gaze at Him.
I looked in His eyes,
and my shame and fear
melted away, lost in the depths
of the eyes of Love Himself.
His smile lit up the room
and my heart as well.
He gathered me in His arms,
and whispered these words to me,
"Well done, my faithful one.
Fear nothing, my daughter."
I knew all was well
when I looked in His eyes.
Hello im Justin from India and I got to admit that this poem here was simple yet impactfull ! There is literally soo much to think about from the first two stanzas, how open minded you were as it started and how dim you portrayed hope to be. I love the way you commenced with a tortured tone and went on further elucidating how goodness and forgiveness shines much brighter than the damnation you claim to be in. I have noticed a perfect amount of Transcendentalism and realism in the poem and I love the way you mingled them into a beacon of hope.This poem has a universal appeal I feel as many find themselves in the same situation as the protagonist, like I do now To me its an eyeopener and I hope this poem reaches many people because of its powerful ability to set minds into contemplation and convince them of a lighter crimson than the usual darkness that they face.
As a student of Literature I would encourage you to give a brief look up on the different rhyme schemes and meters under which a poem has to be standardized. But on the whole it was great and I hope you continue writing poems like this, p.s. you almost sound like R.Tagore piecing his spirituality, and I wish you luck.!
Hello, ongoeslife! My name is wisegirl22, and I am here to get your poem out of the Green Room!
There's really nothing to comment on. The stanzas were beautiful, your choice of words amazing, the free verse fitting well with the subject. I think this is a perfect piece. Feel all the glory of me saying that; this is the first poem I have ever said that to. You are the most talented writer on Young Writers Society. I cannot doubt it. Keep writing your amazing/terrific/fantastic/brilliant/thoughtful/beautiful works!
-wisegirl2
Hey, OnGoesLife. I'm Nonny and I'll be reviewing your piece tonight. I'm going to comment on each verse separately so it's easier to review the piece as a whole. I'll start, however, by stating that I am not a religious person so I'm probably not going to comment on the entire plot of the poem, but rather the word flow and other minor issues if I find any.
1st verse: I can't find anything grammatically or punctuation-ally wrong with this first verse. I will say that I would have enjoyed seeing more of the feeling of being so burdened with guilt and failure. I think that is a heavy line and adding that heavier feeling would have worked well.
2nd verse: In the line, "I cringed, expecting the just words of condemnation" are you cringing because he spoke or are you cringing because the thought of him condemning you to hell made you worried? I also think that the line would be more impact if you mentioned being condemned into hell instead of just straight condemnation. It's obviously implied but stating it will have more impact.
3rd verse: Nothing here.
4th verse: I don't think that love should be capitalized.
5th verse: The line, "His smile lit up the room and my heart as well". I'm not sure why this first line doesn't sound right but I think that it is one of the sentences with the least impact on the poem.
6th verse: I think you did well with the ending of this poem. You hit the point that God is generally understanding and will take time to forgive as long as you have been faithful to him.
Overall: I think you did a good job. The minor issues that I pointed out don't take away from the entire poem. Keep writing!
Points: 749
Reviews: 25
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